Digest for Thursday, October 14, 1993

There are 30 messages totalling 768 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Shark
  2. What is politics?
  3. Murphys laws of sex
  4. Bumper Sticker
  5. St. Kirk (Was: Junk Mail)
  6. What about "x does it y"
  7. Examination of Offensive
  8. Another explicit one/Adam and Eve Joke
  9. Re: What about "x does it y"
  10. Gruesome puns
  11. sexist?)
  12. Toilet humour
  13. Soviets/Insults/Do It/Puns
  14. Philosophy
  15. BAD!!!
  16. Re: STOP SILLY JOKES
  17. Dog Joke
  18. yet another horrible pun
  19. Sexist (crude) Q&A
  20. x,y and G rated
  21. gross
  22. Clean !! (perhaps REMOTELY sacrilegious)
  23. x does it y...
  24. silly jokes
  25. Polish Gay Guy.
  26. Mens bathroom walls
  27. A goose, a duck and a lawyer (slightly offensive)
  28. Poems about Love & marriage
  29. On using the "lowest bidder" (PG-13) (Medical humor)
  30. Re: What about "x does it y"


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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 07:02:27 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Shark <poem>

THE RHYME OF THE CHIVALROUS SHARK by Wallace Irwin

Most chivalrous fish of the ocean,
To lades forbearing and mild,
Though his record be dark,
Is the man-eating shark.
Who will eat neither woman nor child.

He dines upon seamen and skippers,
And tourists his hunger assuage,
And a fresh cabin boy
With inspire him with joy
If he's past the maturity age.

A doctor, a lawyer, a preacher,
He'll gobble a male one any day,
But the ladies, God bless 'em,
He'll only address 'em
Politely and go on his way.

I can readily cite you an instance
Where a lovely young lady of Breem,
Who was tender and sweet
And delicious to eat,
Fell into the bay with a scream.

She struggled and flounced in the water
And signaled in vain for her bark,
And she'd surely been drowned
If she hadn't been found
By a chivalrous man-eating shark.

 He owed in a manner most polished,
Thus soothing her impulses wild;
"Don't be frightened," he said,
I've been properly bred
And will eat neither woman nor child.

Then he proffered his fin
And she took it in--
Such a gallantry none can dispute--
While the passengers cheered
As the vessel they neared
And a broadside was fired in salute.

And they soon stood alongside the vessel,
When a life-saving dingy was lowered
With the pick of the crew,
And her relatives, too.
And the mate and the skipper aboard.

So they took her aboard in a jiffy,
And the shark stood attention the while,
Then raised on his flipper
And ate up the skipper
And went on his way with a smile.

And this shows that the prince of the ocean,
To ladies forbearing and mild,
Thought his record be dark,
Is the man-eating shark
Who will eat neither woman nor child.

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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 11:43:11 GMT-0100
From:         HOGNE SANDVIK <Hogne.Sandvik@ISF.UIB.NO>
Subject:      What is politics?

Son:     "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask
          you a question?"
Father:  "Sure son. What's the question?"
Son:     "What is Politics?"
Father:  "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage
         earner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother is the
         administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We
         take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll
         call the Maid The Working Class and your brother we can call
         The Future. Do you understand son?"
Son:     "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night, awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what
was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper,
the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep.
He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw
his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally
unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room
and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son:     "Dad, now I think i understand what politics is."
Father:  "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son:     " Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,
         Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely
         ignored and the Future is full of shit."
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 08:40:49 EST
From:         Tom Rusk Vickery <VICKERY@SUED.SYR.EDU>
Subject:      Murphy's laws of sex

I would add to Murphy's laws of sex, these from Robert
Heinlein's THE NOTEBOOKS OF LAZARUS LONG

Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.

In an argument, if it turns out you are right, apologize at once!

Always tell her she is beautiful, expecially if she is not.

[This one is my favorite]:  It is better to copulate than never.
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 09:54:23 -0400
From:         SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET
Subject:      Bumper Sticker

Coal Miners Dig Their Work
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 08:56:23 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      St. Kirk (Was: Junk Mail)

What did St. John say to his brother St. James when he came back from
the empty tomb on Jesus resurrection day?
        "He's alive, Jim."

St. James: Peter, how did you raise that kid Tabitha from the dead?!!!
St. Peter: Dammit, Jim, I'm an apostle, not a doctor!

Any more St. James jokes?
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 15:06:37 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject:      What about "x does it y"

Anyone got a *good* or new list of stuff like:
Teachers do it with class
Shrinks do it with your brain,
Amiga owners do it with Intuition (Intuition is the amiga DOS or something)
Golfers do it with drive, etc.
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 10:36:00 -0400
From: Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642 <D7AP002@TOA.TOWSON.EDU>
Subject:      Examination of Offensive

Somebody recently posted a request to stop the silly and offensive jokes. I
can almost guarantee you that no matter what is posted, someone out there will
consider it silly or offensive.

For example, if you are a moron, you may find the following offensive:

One day this moron passed a guy jumping up and down on a man-hole cover. The
moron noticed that the guy was saying "21...21...21...21...". The moron
stopped
and watched and after awhile, said, "Duh, het buddy, whatcha doin?"
"21...21...21...Getting my daily exercise...21...21...21..." "Duh, ohhh. Can I
try?" "21...21...21...Sure." The guy stopped jumping and stepped off the
man-hole cover. The moron then got on and started.
"Duh...21...duh...21...duh...21...duh..." "You gotta jump higher."
"Duh.....21.....duh.....21.....duh....." "Even higher than that."
"Duh.......21.......duh.......21.......duh......." "Higher still." The moron
then jumped as high as he could and while he was on his way up, the guy lifted
the man-hole cover off. Needless to say, when gravity took its toll, the moron
went plumeting into the man-hole. The guy then replaced the cover, stood on
top, and started jumping again. "22...22...22...".

You see, if you are a moron, and you actually get this joke, you would be
offended.

Of course, if you are Irish, and I am part Irish, this one would offend you:

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
One less drunk.

Like I said, someone will be offended by any joke. Bathroom humor is quite
likely to offend. If you are offended by the things on men's room walls,
please don't read the following:

Things I have seen on men's room walls:

Look up here and pee on your shoes.
What are you looking up here for? The joke is in your hand.
Those are the only ones I can remember at the moment. I would be interested in
hearing from others; particuarly the ladies.
Well folks, if I have offended you, I appologize. There is always the delete
function.
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 15:02:00 +0100
From:         WIM VERVEEN <VERVEEN@ATO4.OVO.AGRO.NL>
Subject:      Another explicit one/Adam and Eve Joke

You know why tampons have a rope tied to it?
So you can floss your teeth after going down on a woman

Why did God steal a rib from Adam to create Eve?
To show that stealing leads to nothing.
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 15:35:56 +0100
From:         P S Gupta <P.S.Gupta@BRA0801.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject:      Re: What about "x does it y"

Derryck, to add to your list -
* Divers do it deep
* Fishermen do it with their rods
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 10:02:25 EST
From:         Rick Dahm <dahm@CVAX.IPFW.INDIANA.EDU>
Subject:      Gruesome puns

Hi,gang! I just got on the list and enjoy the more wierd forms of humor,
especially puns that make your teeth curdle. Perhaps we could get a
pun contest going.  Anyway, here's a deep philosophical question to
ponder: Is embalming a dead issue?
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 16:00:25 MET
From:         Jan Kucera <kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ>
Subject:      sexist?)

A cowboy got married. He helped the bride on horseback, jumped into the saddle
and led his wife to his home. His horse stumbled over a branch. The cowboy
frowned and said: "One."
They went on. After a while the horse stumbled over a root. The cowboy frowned
a bit more and said: "Two."
Finally they arrived at his ranch. In the gate the horse stumbled again. The
cowboy frowned still more and said:"Three!" Then he helped his wife from the
horseback gallantly, took the gun and shot the horse dead.
The wife exclaimed: "How can you kill such a nice animal just because he
stumbled a bit. You have no heart. If I knew I would never marry you!"
The cowboy frowned to the maximum extent and said: "One."
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 16:20:29 GMT0BST
From:         Lee Rhodes <SCP23014@NOVELL1.RTC-CARLOW.IE>
Subject:      Toilet humour

Things I have seen on men's room walls:

We aim to please.
Will you aim too, please!
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 11:23:59 -0400
From:         Mike Thompson <mthompso@NALUSDA.GOV>
Subject:      Soviets/Insults/Do It/Puns

With all of the recent postings regarding Soviet-type humor,
I was reminded of the following joke I saw, I believe, in a Jack
Anderson column (could be wrong about that).  It was set during
the time of Gorbachev's crackdown on alcoholism.

An apparatchik summoned his beautiful secretary into his office
one afternoon.  She arrived with steno pad and pencil in hand.
After a few minutes of dictation, he told her to take off her
clothes.  When she had partially undressed, she began to feel a
bit self-conscious, so she went over to the door and closed it.
The boss, seeing this, became very angry, jumped up and opened
the door.  He said, "What are you doing?  Do you want them to
think we're drinking vodka in here?"

-------------
Heard this on CBS radio's Osgood File this morning.  Was just
waking up, so this may not be completely accurate.

A Dr. Greggerson (spelling?) from Queens College is a collector
of insults from various languages.  He has studied everything
from Albanian to Zulu.  Of course, the translation of insults
into other languages just doesn't sound as effective.  He
mentioned that the Japanese have several containing references to
vegetables, similar to calling someone a pumpkinhead.  In
Ashanti, "begetter of twins" is an insult.  Many cultures around
the world consider it bad luck to have twins.  Osgood asked if
there was an insult for radio announcers, and Greggerson
responded with an example from Sanskrit which means something
like "your grammar is incorrect."

All of this reminded me of the ridiculous insults shouted by John
Cleese in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  "You silly English
pigdog" (Schweinhund, I'm sure), "Tiny-brained wiper of other
persons' bottoms", and "I'll fry owls eggs on the tops of your
heads and make castinets out of your testicles".

------------
Some "do it" lines:

My personal favorite:  Linguists do it in different tongues!  :-P

Librarians/accountants do it by the book.

Economists do it for profit.

Upright bass players do it without fretting.

-----------
Puns:

Someone recently posted "Is embalming a dead issue?".  No, but it
sure drains me just to think about it!
-----------

Time to make like a hockey stick and get the puck outta here.  L8r.
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 16:23:31 GMT0BST
From:         Lee Rhodes <SCP23014@NOVELL1.RTC-CARLOW.IE>
Subject:      Philosophy

Why did the man cross the Moebius strip?
To get to the same side.
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 10:50:11 EST
From:         Rick Dahm <dahm@CVAX.IPFW.INDIANA.EDU>
Subject:      BAD!!!

A man called artie decided to become a hitman and offered his services at a
local bar known as a mafia hangout.  He didn't have long to wait before a
dishevelled, desperate looking man walked up to him and said, "Help me!
Kill my wife! I can't stand her nagging! I'll pay anything!" Artie considered
and said, "Well, since I'm trying to establish a reputation for myself, I'll
do it for a buck, on the condition that you spread the word that I'm a pro and
worth good money." The other man readily agreed and told Artie that his wife,
a woman of very regular habits, went to the A&P every day at noon.  So, Artie
went to the A&P and saw the woman the customer had described, standing in
the frozen foods aisle.  Deciding that stealth was his best bet, Artie made
sure the aisle was clear and sneaked up behind the woman and strangled her.
To his horror, Artie found he'd killed the wrong woman.  Hiding, he saw
another woamn who looked about right.  Measuring her up, he strangled her
before she could make a sound.  Turning the corpse over, Artie discovered
that,
although
although she closely resembled his target, this too was the wrong woman. His
target,after all,was very ordinary looking.  By some miracle, the coast was
still clear, so Artie decided to give it one more try. A woman walked up and
saw the two bodies piled on a shelf. Artie leaped out and throttled the life
out of her before she could do more than draw a breath.  Unfortunately for
Artie, the manager had seen this last killing and had called the cops, so
Artie was caught.  The next day, the headlines read, "Artie chokes three for a
d
ollar
dollar at A&P".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Let's make like shepherds and get the flock out of here.
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 17:00:29 MET
From:         Jan Kucera <kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ>
Subject:      Re: STOP SILLY JOKES

I strongly oppose censorship on jokes. I have lived in a country with strict
censorship for most of my life and I am glad that we got rid of it.
Who does not like some sort of humor need not to read messages that are
marked as sensitive in the subject.

The only thing we should obey is to indicate possible sensitivity in the
subject field.

A famous Czech writer Jaroslav Hasek (author of Brave soldier Shveyk - maybe
the usual English title is a bit different) once wrote that those who zelote
against dirty speaking usually read grafitti on men's room walls with a
great delight.

I think that dirty behaviour is much worse than dirty language. And I thing
that a censorship is dirty.

Obligatory humor - nonhumor (pure truth):
The leader of Czech ultras Sladek announced a demonstration in the heart
of Prague - Wenceslas square at the anniversary of the formation of former
Czechoslovakia (it is still official holiday in the Czech Republic). When
he got to know that the President (and also the Prime Minister - I'm not sure)
wants to put a bunch of flowers to the Saint Wenceslas' statue in the square
during the day Sladek declared that he would sue the President for
interfering with his demonstration. This is typical for the ultra party and
I see nothing humorous in it. But two things happened then that are not
without a "grain of salt":
1. The authorities declared the part of the square where the statue is
situated as a posession of nearby National Museum and not part of the
Wenceslas square.
2. The Mayor of Prague announced HIS meeting on the Wenceslas square on
the anniversary day in all the next 20 years (by 20 different letters).
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 12:05:43 -0400
From:         Dale Schroyer <SCHROYE@HSDWL.UTC.COM>
Subject:      Dog Joke

This was in the biography of the Doors' Jim Morrison, so stop me if you have
heard it before.

There was an investment banker that decieded to leave the city and become a
country gentleman. But he annoyed all his new neighbors with his complete
ignorance of country ways. He thought if he socialized with the country folk
he would become accepted. He noticed that they went duck hunting alot and so
made up his mind to take up duck hunting. He asked his closest neighbor what
he
needed to go duck hunting.

The guy told him what kind of gun he needed, what kind of clothes he needed,
and that he needed a bird dog. "Now be careful" he told the city slicker,
"some kennelmasters will try to sell you a dog with too large an asshole. If
the
dog's asshole is too large, when he goes into the lake to ge the duck the
water will rush in, he'll sink and drown." The city slicker thanks him and
leaves.

He gets the clothes and gun and then goes to the local kennel. He tells the
kennelmaster he wants a bird dog. The kennelmaster takes him out to see a dog
and tells him that the dog is good for any kind of bird hunting. The city
slicker picks up the dog's tail and tells the kennelmaster that the dog will
not

do because he has too large an asshole. "And when he goes into the lake the
water will rush in and he'll drown" says the city slicker. The kennelmaster
thinks a moment. Then reaches down, grabs the dog's balls and gives them a
mighty twist. Of course the dog's asshole cinches up tight. "Sorry" says the
kennelmaster, "I had him set for quail."
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 11:16:06 EST
From:         Rick Dahm <dahm@CVAX.IPFW.INDIANA.EDU>
Subject:      yet another horrible pun

Five hundred years ago, two arab countries were at war.  The king of one
country called for his finest spy and told him to steal the enemy's battle
plans.  That night, the spy sneaked into the enemy camp and eventually
found out where the plans were. He stole them but, on his way out, he saw the
guard had been increased. Needing a distraction, the spy set fire to the
camp's prayer tent, or zigurrat, and stole out of camp.  He hadn't gone
more than a few paces when a squad of heavily armed guards captured him
and dragged him before the enemy leader.  The spy was more appalled at having
The leader smiled and said,"we could smell the smoke from your cloak."
The spy was horrified. "You mean...?"
The leader nodded."Smoking zigurrats is dangerous to your stealth."

---And with that stinker gone, I beat a hasty retreat.
---Rick
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 12:48:24 CST
From:         Weasel <JEFF@CODVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      Sexist (crude) Q&A

Q. Why don't women fart as much as men?                /\ /\
A. They don't keep their mouths closed long enough to   . .
   build up any back-pressure.                          /"\
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 14:45:16 -0400
From:         Dawn M. Shotts <dawns@ALPHA.ACAST.NOVA.EDU>
Subject:      x,y and G rated

Hairdressers do it with style.

Photographers do it in the dark.

Cute joke:

An Easterner who walked into a  Western saloon was amazed to see a dog
sitting at a table playing poker with three men.  "Can that dog really
read cards?" he asked.

"Yeah, but he ain't much of a player," said one of the men.  "Whenever he
gets a good hand he wags his tail."
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 13:49:34 CDT
From:         Greg J Warner <G-WARN@VM1.SPCS.UMN.EDU>
Subject:      gross

  Did you hear about the guy that went in for a check-up?  The doctor said,
 "I'll need a blood sample, stool sample, urin sample, & a semen sample.

  "No Problem"  the guy says  "take my underware"
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 11:54:16 PDT
From:         Wayne Torman <wayneto@MICROSOFT.COM>
Subject:      Clean !! (perhaps REMOTELY sacrilegious)

So there's this remote island in the South Pacific, inhabited by a
peaceful tribe known as the Trids.  They live on the beaches of the
island, but can only get their food up on the mountain  where it grows.
 The problem is that there is a giant on the mountain, and whenever
they go there to get food, he comes out of his cave and kicks them off
the cliff.  This goes on for quite a while, and the Trids grow more and
more desperate.  Finally they seek outside help.  After checking with a
few sources, they learn of a Rabbi who specializes in difficult
problems of this type.  They call for the Rabbi to come out to the
island, and finally he arrives.

After they explain the situation to him he announces that he is going
up the mountain to confront the giant.  Naturally, a few Trids go with
him to guide him to the giant's cave.  When they arrive, the giant
comes out and, of course, goes after all the Trids and starts kicking
them off the cliff.  The Rabbi says to the giant, "Stop what you are doing".

The giant doesn't even bother to reply, just finishes kicking the rest
of the Trids off the cliff.  The Rabbi says, "Well, what about me?",
but the giant ignores him and starts walking back toward his cave.  The
Rabbi says "Hey GIANT, What about me?" and starts jumping up and down.
After being ignored again, the Rabbi finally yells at the giant "COME
ON YOU SISSY, COME AND GET ME... COME ON.... ARE YOU AFRAID TO KICK A
SERVANT OF GOD OFF THE CLIFF?.....  COME ON, COME AND GET ME!!!!!"

The giant turns back to him, ever so slowly, and says, in his loud,
booming voice, "Silly Rabbi..... kicks are for Trids!"
_____________________

I'm gonna make like a horse turd and hit the trail.
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 15:06:00 EST
From:         Wall, David K. <DKW0@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject:      x does it y...

Here's some more for the collection.  (A few of them are, as far as I know,
original with me -- at least I made them up independently just now.)

Muzzleloaders have lead balls
Hunters do it in the woods
Coon hunters do it all night
Programmers do it with their fingers
GUI users do it with mice
Fishermen do it in boats
Statisticians probably do it (p<.05)
Secretaries do it at their desk
Farmers do it with vegetables (or cows (moo!), sheep (baa-a-a-a-a), etc...
  take your pick)
Knitters do it with needles
Veterinarians do it with animals (did I spell "vet" right?)
Mechanics get greasy doing it

Doing this reminded me of a cartoon I saw once:  the scene is a marriage
counselor's office.  The wife is standing with her back to the counselor and
her husband.  The counselor lifts up the back of her dress and says to the
husband "Now surely you're not going to tell me you can pass up a fine piece
of ass like this!"    (And of course the husband replies "Don't call me
Shirley!" :-)  )

David
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 14:15:49 CDT
From:         Lesley Hite <LHITE3@UA1VM.BITNET>
Subject:      silly jokes

As for these "silly jokes" who knows why we find what we find funny?  As long
as we can laugh at something I guess it's okay.  (unless you make someone cry,
I suppose)

Anyway, as a psychology student I can say who the hell really understands what
makes us tick anyway?!

I think Jack Handey said it best:

To truly understand mankind (don't take this as sexist, I'm just quoting here)
we must first look at the word itself. MANKIND  Basically it's made up of two
words:  MANK and IND  What do these words mean? It's a mystery. And that's why
so is mankind.
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 16:09:07 -0400
From:         Wayde Nie <niew@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject:      Polish Gay Guy.

Hear about the Polish gay guy.....
He sleeps with women!
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 16:22:52 CST
From:         Bill Rauscher <BRAUSCHE@CBCN.CBCINC.COM>
Subject:      Men's bathroom walls

I noticed a posting of what was on bathroom walls.  I read this in 1971
and laughed then and still have remembered it.

This was during the 1972 Presidental Campaign:

Don't switch Dicks in the middle of a screw, vote for Nixon in '72.

And:

No matter how much you shake and dance, the last drop always goes
in your pants.
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 16:25:58 CST
From:         Bill Rauscher <BRAUSCHE@CBCN.CBCINC.COM>
Subject:      A goose, a duck and a lawyer (slightly offensive)

What can a goose do that a duck can't and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 21:33:17 LCL
From:         LEUSCHNE <LEUSCHNE@DULRUU51.BITNET>
Subject:      Poems about Love & marriage

When I was young and full of life
I loved the local doctor's wife,
And ate an apple every day
To keept the doctor far away.
                                                    Thomas Lamont

"Come, come," said Tom's father, "At your time of life,
There's no longer excuse for thus playing the rake -
It is time you should think, boy, of taking a wife."
"Why, so it is, father - whose wife shall I take?"
                                                     Thomas Moore

Found in Brandreth, Gyles (1987), The Joy of Lex, London: Robson Books, pp
198-199
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 18:28:00 EST
From:         Sam Roberts, Californian Refugee <GREYWOLF@MIDD.BITNET>
Subject:      On using the "lowest bidder" (PG-13) (Medical humor)

Note:  This joke is not very funny in a written context (as the punch line is
a sight gag), but has always gotten a good response when I've told it to my
friends.  So, pay attention and pass it along...

     A middle-aged working man was crossing the street one evening, on his way
home from work, when he is suddenly run down by a reckless driver, who doesn't
even bother to stop.  The man, having been thrown several feet by the impact,
picks himself up, starts to pat himself all over (to check for injuries), and
comes to the sudden realization that his right arm has been severed at the
elbow.  Frantically searching for his missing arm, the man spies it lying in
the gutter.
     Now, as luck would have it, this accident occurred right outside the
office of the most famouse surgeon in the world, and the man, seeing the sign
over the entrance, picks up his severed arm and rushes inside, where he is
ushered directly to an examination room.  The doctor enters and begins to look
him over.
     "Well, this is a pretty bad injury, but I think that several hours of
surgery should see you all fixed up." the doctor tells him.
     "That's excellent," says the man, giving a great sigh of relief.
     "Yes," says the doctor, "we can get started just as soon as you fill out
the insurance forms my nurse has for you."
     "B..b..but I don't HAVE any insurance!" the man exclaims.
     "Well, I can't be expected to work for free," replies the doc.  "If you
can pay by cash, that'd be just as good, but without payment, the only thing I
can do is sew up your wounds and dispose of your arm."
     "How much will the surgery cost?" asks the man.
     "Twenty thousand dollars."
     The man, though a hard worker all his life, has nothing near to twenty
thousand dollars in savings.  Dejected, but hoping to find someone else who
can save his arm, he leaves the doctor's office and looks up and down the
street. A couple of blocks away, in a small back alley, he finds a small
doctor's office of questionable quality.  He enters, where a somewhat old and
somewhat unwashed doctor approaches him, and after a brief conversation, tells
the man he can perform the surgery for only one thousand dollars.  The man,
excited over the bargain, forgets his worries over the surgeon's ability and
has the operation. Two weeks later he is amazed to find that the feeling is
beginning to return to his arm.  Soon after, he returns to the doctor to have
the stiches removed. As he is leaving the alley office, he sees the famous
surgeon's office, and decides to stop by and tell that doctor just what he
should do with his expensive fees! The receptionist shows him into an exam
room, and the doctor enters.
     "Do you remember me?" asks the man.
     "Aren't you the guy who had his arm cut off outside my office?" replies
the doctor.
     "Yes, I am.  I found another doctor who would perform the surgery for
only ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS.  You were going to charge me TWENTY thousand!  You
were going to rip me off!  So, I say FU...*(gasp)*!!

(As the man starts to say the "F" word to the doctor, place your left hand
into the crook of your right elbow rather violently, at the same time raising
your right arm as if to give the doctor "the finger".  Now, let out a gasp and
look over your right shoulder as if your right forearm just flew off into the
air!!)

** To those of you who still don't get it, the man tries to give the doctor
the finger, but his arm flies off instead, due to the poor quality of the
back-alley doctor **
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Date:         Thu, 14 Oct 1993 10:34:17 -0400
From:         Dawn M. Shotts <dawns@ALPHA.ACAST.NOVA.EDU>
Subject:      Re: What about "x does it y"

Haircutters do it with style.

Photographers do it in the dark.

More Humor:

An easterner who walked into a Western saloon was amazed to see a dog
sitting at a table playing poker with three men.  "Can that dog really
read cards?" he asked.

"Yeah, but he ain't much of a player," said one of the men, "Whenever he
gets a good hand he wags his tail."
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