Digest for Wednesday, October 13, 1993

There are 23 messages totalling 752 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. help
  2. Silly Jokes?
  3. STOP SILLY JOKES - dirty joke.
  4. Murphys Laws on Sex (relatively clean)
  5. Re: Andrew Dice Clays Nursery Rhymes
  6. Lets give the usual victims a break, and offend a different group today
  7. CLEAN JOKE FOR HANI
  8. Offensive to dead babies
  9. Clinton
  10. Terms for your dictionary....(G, Clean)
  11. isms
  12. Sexist (but clean) Q&A
  13. About the sex jokes...
  14. Soup stories
  15. Irish joke
  16. French nun and hot dogs
  17. Chevy Chase Show Status
  18. Re: Silly joke (if youre Polish)
  19. Taglines from the internet
  20. Life 2.N A collection of clean humor gather on 25 Jan 88
  21. Nietzsche and Menopause
  22. Doctors
  23. Comics page shorties


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 00:03:14 EDT
From:         Debra Ortiz <ORTIZ@DCSMSERVER.MED.SCAROLINA.EDU>
Subject:      help

Q.  How can you tell the difference between a sumo wrestler and a
feminist?
A.  The sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 09:38:00 -0400
From: Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642 <D7AP002@TOA.TOWSON.EDU>
Subject:      Silly Jokes?

As some of you may know, prostitution is legal in some parts of Nevada. The
working girls must go through some rigorous physical checks. One day a group
of working girls were in line waiting for their check up. This old lady walking
by saw the line and asked, "What are they giving away?" One smart mouth in the
line said, "Ice cream!". The old lady decided to get in line for her free ice
cream. When she came to the doctor he looked at her, shook his head, and said,
"Tch, tch, tch. And at your age!" She replied, "Well I can lick it, can't I?"

Father O'Riley was a priest in a highly catholic neighborhood in Ulster,
Ireland. Everyday he would mount the pulpit and harang the British. At first
the parishoners were behind him, but, after awhile it got to be stale. They
began complaining to the Bishop. Finally, the bishop told Fathe O'Riley that
if he did not another subject for his sermon other than the British then don't
give a sermon. Father O'Riley complied and for many months there was no
sermon. Then on Easter Sunday, Father O'Riley mounted the pulpit again. "Dear hearts,"
he began, "I'm going to talk to you about the last supper. Jesus was sitting
with the apostles and made the announcement that one of the twelve would be
responsible for his death. Peter, the rock of the new church, replied, 'It is
not me, is it Lord?'. And then Paul spoke up, 'I would not do such a thing,
Lord'. The Thomas, the doubter spoke, 'I would noty harm you Master'. They all
went in turn, asking if it would be them until it reached that scoundrel
Judas. Judas said, 'It is not me, Govnah'".

Some sexist jokes have been going back and forth on the list. I'll now share
the following that I saw on another BBS. These will be offensive to women.

One guy wrote in:

Why did the woman cross the road?

Who cares, she should have been in the kitchen!

Another guy wrote in:

Why did the woman cross the road?

Who cares, she should have been in the bedroom!

A lady wrote in:

Those two were terrible. Is there anyone out there with a joke about male
chauvenist pigs?

I wrote in:

OK, why did the male chauvenist pig cross the road?

He was chasing the two women that should have been in the kitchen and bedroom.

==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 09:20:52 EDT
From:         Ron Chibnik <chibnik@REACH.COM>
Subject:      STOP SILLY JOKES - dirty joke.

There's these three rats sitting at the bar talking.

The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"

The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught ina rat trap and
I bit it apart!"

Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off to fuck the cat.
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 10:16:38 -0500
From: We carry in our hearts the true country... <DMCINTYRE@ALBION.BITNET>
Subject:      Murphy's Laws on Sex (relatively clean)

MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX

 1 The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to
   leave her with no hard feelings.
 2 Nothing improves with age.
 3 No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because
   it'll never be quite the same again.
 4 Sex has no calories.
 5 Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of
   trouble.
 6 There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
 7 Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
 8 No sex with anyone in the same office.
 9 Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or
   how long it is going to last.
10 A man in the house is worth two in the street.

The follow are some 'general' rules and observations on the subject:

11 If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12 Virginity can be cured.
13 When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops
   listening to him.
14 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15 The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same
   ones she can't stand years later.
16 Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17 It is always the wrong time of the month.
18 The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19 When the lights are out, all women/men are beautiful.
20 Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't
   either.
21 Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- then on Sunday pray for crop
   failure.
22 The younger the better.
23 The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24 It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused
   the trouble in the garden.
25 Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
26 Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
27 There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex.
   But there is nothing exactly like it.
28 Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
29 Love is a hole in the heart.
30 If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into
   our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
31 Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
32 Do it only with the best.
33 Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter
   words to convey its full meaning.
34 One good turn gets most of the blankets.
35 You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
36 Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
37 It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
38 Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
39 Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
40 Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
41 Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
42 A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he
   couldn't.
43 What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
44 It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
45 Never say no.
46 A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
47 Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
48 Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
49 Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
50 A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
51 Loves comes in spurts.
52 Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are
   unimportant.
53 Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking about.
54 Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
55 There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in
   love.
56 Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

From: Kenneth Pruett <kpruett@ST6000.SCT.EDU>
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 11:00:53 -0400
From:         Dawn M. Shotts <dawns@ALPHA.ACAST.NOVA.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Andrew Dice Clay's Nursery Rhymes

You forgot one:

Little boy blew;  HEY he needed the money!!!
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 11:15:59 EST
From:         Theresa Muir <TFD@CUNYVMS1.BITNET>
Subject:      Let's give the usual victims a break, and offend a different group today

Although in recent years, the Irish seem to have been shamefully
neglected as a good group to ridicule (except perhaps in the UK),
I come from a huge (what other kind is there?) Irish family, and telling
jokes at our own expense occupies a lot of our time at family
gatherings, e.g.:

A  VERY pregnant Irish woman awakes in the middle of the night and
says to her husband, "Paddy, darlin' turn on the light, the baby's comin'"
Paddy turns on the light, and they successfully deliver a little baby,
get it fed, stick it in a cradle, and go back to sleep.
A bit later, the wife says,"Bejesus, Paddy, turn on the light.  It's
twins, it is!"
Paddy turns on the light; second baby delivered, fed, cradled; couple
goes back to sleep.
(This happens as many times as you like)
Finally, the wife awakens, and cries, "Bejesus, Paddy, another one,
turn on the light!"
Paddy, without turning over in bed, says: "I will not.  It's the light
that's attracting 'em."

One Sunday morning, while walking to church, Paddy askes Bridget,
"Bridget, do we have sexual relations?"
Bridget: "Not on my side of the family, we don't."

Q. What's Irish foreplay?
A. "Brace yourself, Bridget!"

Q. What is the most useless thing on a woman's body?
A. An Irishman.


Slainte,
Theresa

P.S.  you are all probably familiar with the lunacy that happens in
New York City every spring when the gay group wants to march in the
St. Patrick's Day Parade, and the Ancient Order of Hibernians (or the
Ancient Order of Hibernators, as we call them) won't let them in.

Having had some experience with elderly Irish relatives, my take on the
situation is that it isn't that the group is "gay" that bugs them.
Half of them don't even know what gay people are.
It's the fact that they can see that word "homosexual" has the word
"sex" in it that bugs them.

Erin go bragh!
T.
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 11:15:00 EST
From:         Haussler, BJ. <bjh3@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject:      CLEAN JOKE FOR HANI

No, no, no, Hani............The point is to DELETE what you don't want to
read. Right on Tom!  Keep 'em coming Folks! Just the way they are. There are
those of us who LOVE dirty jokes, sexist jokes, blonde jokes, etc.

OB joke just for Hani....

After having ten children, the Fermis decided they didn't want to have any
more. Thus they went to the doctor for advice on birth control. He gave them
a box of condoms, and told them that if they used them during sex, the
chances were slim that they'd have any more children.

Two months later, they were back in the doctor's office. "Well," said the
physician, "I don't understand it, but Mrs. Fermi is pregnant again. Did you
use the condoms like I told you?"

"You bet," said Mrs. Fermi. "We followed alla de instructions - except that
since we no have de organ, I put it on de tambourine."

******************

And now a  JOKE:


Going to the drugstore, the woman asked the pharmacist what would help get
rid of her husband's dandruff. He recommended HEAD and SHOULDERS.

The next day she reutrned and he asked how the treatment was going.

"Fine, I gues," she said, "only how do you give 'shoulder'?"


Beej
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 11:47:29 -0400
From:         JOHN GALT <praveen@BODHI.ESYS.CWRU.EDU>
Subject:      Offensive to dead babies

Q: What is easier to unload, a truck full of Dead Babies or a
truck full of bowling balls?
A: Dead Babies, you can use a pitchfork
Q: What's the difference between a truck load of dead babies and
a truck load of bricks?
A: You can't use a pitchfork on bricks.
Q: What's the difference between a barrel of water and a barrel
of babies?
A: You can't shovel water with a pitchfork.
Q: How do you load 100 screaming babies onto a truck?
A: A pitchfork.
Q: How do you unload a truck full of babies?
A: With a pitchfork.
Q: Why do you unload a truck full of babies with a pitchfork?
A: So you can tell which ones are still alive.
Q: What's this? (hold arms out and shake them)
A: A live one.
Q: How do you know when you hit a live one?
A: The pitchfork shakes
Q: How do you find the live baby in a pile of dead ones?
A: Jab 'em all with a pitchfork.
Q: What is worse than that?
A: At the bottom of the pile, there was one trying to eat its
way out
Q: What is worse than that?
A: It made it
Q: What is worse than that?
A: It went back for seconds!

A woman was lying in her hospital bed recuperating after an
intense 12 hour delivery of a bouncing baby boy.
Moments later the hospital room door opened, and in walked
the delivery nurse carrying the baby boy ....
SUDDENLY the nurse THROWS the baby on the floor, kicks it up
against the wall, picks it up and TWIRLS it around several times
and THROWS it against the wall....
Well, just bewildered, the woman gives out a loud SHREEEK and
hollers MY GOD ..... WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABY ??????
The Nurse chuckles a little to herself 'April Fools', she
says...
He was ALREADY DEAD !!!!!!!!!!
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 11:14:09 -0600
From:         NAME <ECLEMENT@ADMIN2.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Clinton

I have been saddened to learn recently that both Halloween and
Thanksgiving have been outlawed and therefore will not be celebrated
in Arkansas this year.  It appears that the Witch has left the state
and that she took the Turkey with her.
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 12:21:55 -0400
From:         TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU
Subject:      Terms for your dictionary....(G, Clean)

 Fictionary .....


        Nagagator:  map-reading back-seat driver.
        Graffaxi:   unsolicited comments received on a facsimile machine.
        Kleptocracy: corrupt government.
        Prima doughnut: cruller worth singing about.
        Sellebrity: athlete in TV commercial.
                                - Reader Digest -
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 16:41:39 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK>
Subject:      isms

Back in the bad old days before Yeltsin brought democracy(?) to Russia,
and Brezhnev ruled the roost, the good citizens of Moscow were getting
really vodka'd-off by the endless shortages and queues. One day, Ivan
said to Mrs Ivan, "This is no  good; I can't stand these queues any longer;
I'm going to take my old army revolver and shoot comrade Brezhnev!"
Mrs Ivan was shocked and terrified but she knew there was no stopping Ivan.
especially on Friday nights for example. She sat in her kitchen worrying
over what would become of her when Ivan was sent to Siberia. Then the door
opened but it was not the KGB but Ivan, who slinked in looking really down,
and put the revolver on the table. "So what happened ,what happened?!"
she screamed. "Well you see dear, I just couldn't get near...there was a
queue...."


(Apparently, a version of this joke was going round Berlin (about Hitler).
in the last days of WWII, when the Germans knew the war was over, Berlin
was surrounded and there was no food to be had anywhere.

I have no doubt that a version of it is being told about Yeltsin as we speak,
and will no doubt be told about his successors after he finally blows it
big-time.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three people were out wallking:
A lawyer who charges exorbitant fees,
a lawyer who charges reasonable fees,
and Santa Claus.

Suddenly they see a fifty pound note on the ground.
Q: Who picks it up?

A: The lawyer who charges exorbitant fees of course;
the other two are just a figment of your imagination!
:-)
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 12:19:07 CST
From:         Weasel <JEFF@CODVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      Sexist (but clean) Q&A

Q. Why did God create Adam first?          /\ /\
A. To give him a chance to say something.   . .
                                            /"\
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 15:12:00 EDT
From:         Mark A. Black <BLACK@BKLYN.BITNET>
Subject:      About the sex jokes...

Hani or Abdullah,

  Quit being a wuss...It isn't hurting anyone by telling a sex joke if
it is in good taste...And also it is labeled in the subject line so if
you feel that you are going to be insulted then delete it before you
read it...Then you won't be upset or intimidated..

Later,
Black..
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 15:58:11 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Soup stories <Mulla>

BOILING SOUP

     The Mulla's wife was angry with him.  She accordingly brought
him his soup boiling hot, and did not warn him that it might scald
him.

     But she was hungry herself, and as soon as the soup was
served, she took a gulp of it.  Tears of pain came to her eyes.
But she still hoped that the Mulla would burn himself.

     "My dear, what is the matter?"  asked Nasrudin.

     "I was only thinking about my poor old mother.  She used to
like this soup, when she was alive."

     Nasrudin took a scalding mouthful from his own bowl.

     Tears coursed down his cheek.

     "Are you crying Nasrudin?"

     "Yes, I am crying at the thought that your old mother is dead,
poor thing; and left someone like you in the land of the living."

DUCK SOUP

     A kinsman came to see the Mulla from somewhere deep in the
country, bringing a duck as a gift.  Delighted, Nasrudin had the
bird cooked and shared it with his guest.  Presently, however, one
countryman after another started to call, each one the friend of
the "man who brought you the duck."  No further presents were
forthcoming.  Yet, each stranger expected a meal.

     At length the Mulla was exasperated.  One day yet another
stranger appeared.  "I'm the friend of the friend of the friend of
the relative who brought you the duck."

     He sat down, like all the rest, expecting a meal.  Nasrudin
handed him a bowl of hot water.

     "What is this?"

     "That is the soup of the soup of the soup of the duck which
was brought by my relative."
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 15:03:04 -0500
From:         Forrest Baulieu <BAULIEUF@GBVAXA.UWGB.EDU>
Subject:      Irish joke

When the world was created, God placed three Golden telephones on the
earth.  These golden telephones were direct lines to God, Himself.
Recently, a fellow felt the need to speak directly to God.  After
doing a little research, he discovers one golden telephone is in Jerusalem,
one is in Rome, and one is in a small town in Ireland.  He flies to Jerusalem
first.  There, in a huge temple, the telephone was kept.  It took several
days to go through the paperwork, and make his way up the administrative
ladder, but finally the man talks to the Rabbi who is in charge of the phone.
"I'd like to use the golden phone, please".
"Alright.  The fee is $100,000."
The man was astounded.  "Too much!"
**insert phony accent and ethnic mannerisms in bartering here**
The man flies to the Vatican where he goes through much the same process.
When he gets to see the Cardinal in charge of the phone, he says,"I
want to use the golden phone, please."
The Cardinal says, "very well, my son, but you must make a donation of
$500,000 to the Church."
"What?!" yells the man.  They only charged $100,000 in Jerusalem.
**insert accented disparaging remarks about the business practices
of the Jews here***

So, to make a long story longer, the man finally flies to Ireland, where
he has no trouble finding the small church with the golden telephone.  No
red tape, no hassle.  The elderly priest welcomes him, and when the man
says, "I want to use the golden telephone.  How much do *you* charge?", the
priest replies "Just 38 cents, me boy".
"38 cents!  But in Jerusalem they charged 100,000 and in the Vatican, they
charged $500,000."
In his delightful brogue, the priest responds, "Ah, but you're in Ireland--
here it is a LOCAL call."
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 16:14:52 EST
From:         Dani Mudge <DANI@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      French nun and hot dogs <sexually suggestive>

French Nuns

Two young French nuns had the opportunity to come to America.  Before
leaving, the Mother Superior told them that during their visit they must
try the American hot dog.  After arriving in New York, they went
directly to a concession stand and ordered two hot dogs.  The first nun
got hers and opened the bun to see what it looked like.  She exclaimed,
"Ma Cherie', guess what part of the dog I got?"

Cute! ;)
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 16:14:00 CDT
From:         George M. Cohen Jr. <GCOHEN@UTMBEACH.BITNET>
Subject:      Chevy Chase Show Status

I like Chevy, he's very different, but he needs some better guests.

On a related subject  DavidLetterman last night had Howeird Stern on.
He was dressed like the cover of his new book.  No, this is not an endorsement
of his 750,000 copy selling book, but he was funny.  He wore a long black bath
robe.  On the cover of his new book, he is showing as little of his
(grosss.....) body as posible with this same robe.  There was some doubt to
whose body was on the cover.  I realy wouldn't admit to having that body!!!!!
He stands up, and on live TV (well it's tape delay, but live sounds so
impresive) he disrobes.  Under his robe he is wearing this obscene outfit.
He looked just like Tim Curry on Rocky Horror Picture Show!!!!  I laughed
so hard that I p**d on myself!!!!!  I am requesting
a tape of this performance to keep in my must see colection.

David was in shock.  He tried to do it again later and he covered his eyes....
I would have done the same.
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 14:41:16 PDT
From:         Josh Choen <joshc@NETCOM.COM>
Subject:      Re: Silly joke (if you're Polish)

So what does a Polish woman get on her wedding night that's long and hard?
A1. A new last name
A2. Nothing
----------------------------------------------------------------------- 35



------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 19:14:19 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Taglines from the internet

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... (Bo Dereck getting older).
Old age & treachery triumph over youth & vigor.
Enter any 12-digit prime number to continue.
To be a Californian means to have faults others don't.
Philosophic enjoyment = mutual misunderstanding.
Is evil a child of the nature or nurture of the beast?
God is a comic playing to an audience afraid to laugh.
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 17:13:48 PDT
From:         HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  2.N   A collection of clean humor gather on  25 Jan 88

                A LESSON IN POLITICAL SCIENCE

SOCIALISM - You have two cows.  The government takes one to give
        to someone else.
COMMUNISM - You have two cows.  The government takes both and gives
        you the milk.
FASCISM - You have two cows.  The government takes both and sells
        you the milk.
NAZISM - You have two cows.  The government takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRACY - You have two cows.  The government takes both, shoots one
        and pours the milk down the drain.
CAPITALISM - You have two cows.  You sell one and buy a bull.

An old woman was sitting in a park in Moscow reading a "Teach
Yourself Hebrew" book.  A policeman notices her and decides to
start to give her a hard time.
"What are you reading that for?" he shouts at her.
She replies,  "I am old, and I will die soon.  I want to be
prepared; so I am studying the language of heaven."
The cop says, "Well, how do know that it's heaven that you are going to?"
The old women answers, "Well, honestly I don't, but that's okay.  I
already speak Russian."

To err is human, to forgive divine
To err is human, to purr feline.
To err is human, two curs canine.
To err is human, to do nothing, benign.
To err is human, to quit, resign.
To err is human, to howl about it, lupine.
To err is human, to solve it, design.
To err is human, to admit it, asinine.
To err is human, to moo bovine.

LOS ANGELES TIMES, December 9:
A man walked into a branch of the Antelope Valley Bank and handed a teller
a note demanding money.  The man had one hand in his pocket, as if holding
a gun, so the teller began handing over the contents of her cash drawer.
 When she had forked over $7,000 the robber said, "That's enough" and walked
out the door.  It's hard to find a bank robber who knows when he's had enough.

     "There's only one thing about the 1988 Presidential race
 that worries me....someone has to win. "

Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.

I just heard via some TV reporter in Saigon that Vietnamese slang for
Russian sailors translates to 'Americans without money'.

----------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 20:16:18 -0400
From:         Byron Lanning <BJLANNING@DELPHI.COM>
Subject:      Nietzsche and Menopause

                                 Copywright 1993 by Byron Lanning

Shakespeare said, "Hell hath no fury like a scorned woman on
menopause."

And while we're on the subject of menopause, the philosopher
Nietzsche once contemplated the question, "If women go into
menopause, do men go into womenopause?" He said this right after
kissing a horse. The authorities didn't think too much of his
kissing contemplation and threw him in the cook house, I
mean kook house.

In the asylum he underwent pre-Freudian therapy, at the time
considered a very crude therapy, even when one took into account
no one had invented psychiatry yet. Everyday Nietzsche had a
pre-Freudian session. It consisted of Nietzsche sitting in a
chair making paintings for Rorschach tests while his psychiatrist
lay on a couch sleeping. The session ended when his psychiatrist
woke up and said "That will be $75," and Nietzsche paid him in
cash. Despite the crudity of the theory, Nietzsche made great
progress, and in only a few weeks, he mistook his psychiatrist's
wife for a hat.

A short time later, pre-Freudian therapy made a big leap forward
in psychiatry. Psychiatrists took credit cards as well as cash.
By this time, however, Nietzsche had moved beyond pre-Freudian
therapy and gone into group therapy.

In group therapy, Nietzsche sat in a dunking booth while the
other members of the group threw baseballs at him. When they hit
the bull's eye and dropped him in the water, they cheered, "This
what I call psychiatry!" Nietzsche made even more progress here
and soon mistook his hat for his psychiatrist's wife.

After years in the asylum, the doctors declared him completely
sane except for one eccentric behavior. He ran through the halls
of the asylum screaming, "Lex Luther is trying to stick green
kryptonite down my shorts and take away my super powers!"
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 22:40:09 SAT
From:         TomCat <STU1A41@SAUPM00.BITNET>
Subject:      Doctors

Hani i disagree with man .....Let the wheel rolling

i will tell you a jok i think it is kinda of silly but since a friend of mine
wants to be a doctor i will say it.

one day the phone ring in the doctor office. the doctor answered the phone
Doctor : Hello
Guy : hello doctor, do you have cotton ball?
Doctor: yes
Guy : put it in your asshole.

every day and the guy call and the doctor says the same thing, but after a
month the doctor notice his mistake and goes to the police department and told
them about the story the police man told him ok tell him you don't have cotton
and the problem will be solved.

next day
Phone ring.
Doctor : hello
Guy : hi doctor, do you have cotton ball?
Doctor: no (and he is happy since he got him)
Guy : ok doctor, you can take out from your asshole.
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 13 Oct 1993 20:23:09 -0700
From:         Linda White <snowhite@ESKIMO.COM>
Subject:      Comics page shorties

A few of my favorites from the Frank and Ernest strip:

Scene: office, impossibly messy desk
"The place was getting so cluttered that I spent all day organizing a new
piling system."

Scene: bookstore
"This self-help book didn't work. Do you have one on self-pity?"

Scene: the normal home, stuff strewn all over the place
"My mother tried to be a good housekeeper, but she said our family's
clutter led to togethermess."

And from a local computer-user freebie of six years ago:

Three men in lab coats. One is saying "Whirrrr," another "Kachunk,
kachunk," and the third "Hummmmm...."
Caption: Pioneers in computer simulation

"Always leave 'em laughing when you say good-bye..."
I don't know who said that, but it's time to
say good-bye to the funny folk,
and act like a tree,
and leave.

- Linda for the last time
=========================================================================

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index