Digest for Tuesday, October 12, 1993

There are 19 messages totalling 384 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Child thinking
  2. Clean Catholic Confessional
  3. Pedophile Joke (offensive to catholics)
  4. Top Ten Lists for October 5 - October 7
  5. Re: More Franglais & Very offensive to Hamsters & Sellotape
  6. Broken Pecker Joke (sexual)
  7. More Micheal Jackson jokes
  8. Religious team names
  9. Dog joke - clean (mostly)
  10. Dahmer (gross)
  11. a new old version of an old joke
  12. Life 2.M A collection of clean humor gather: 12 Jan 88
  13. A slightly dirty joke
  14. Sexist Q&A
  15. Auburn
  16. Offensive to Epileptics!
  17. Tagline from the Internet
  18. Academic joke
  19. help


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Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 02:05:01 SAT
From:         TomCat <STU1A41@SAUPM00.BITNET>
Subject:      Child thinking

Hi everyone!
i have a silly jok but i think i must post something to feel that i am alive
so i will post this jok.

One day a child ask her mother this questions

child : Mother who brought this TV set ?
Mother: Honey Mr.Jack brought it.
Child : Mother who brought this wall lamb ?
Mother: Honey Mr. James Brought it?

And the child continue asking her mother who brought this and this and every
time the mother tell her a name of friend to the fimaly then the child ask

Child : Mother what about my father, he didn't bring anything?
Mother: Honey if i depand on your father you will never being born!! :)

       TomCat
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Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 08:04:05 EST
From:         ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center <ADKO@NMUMUS.BITNET>
Subject:      Clean Catholic Confessional

An 85 year old man enters the confessional and shouts to the
priest "Father, I just screwed a 19 year old woman."  Noticing
the man's lack of proper confessional etiquette, the priest asks
"My son, are you Catholic?"  "No, Father, I'm not." he replied.
"Then why are you telling me?" asked the priest.  And the old
gentleman responded "I'm telling everyone."
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Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 09:25:34 -0400
From:         Michael Ligas <ligas@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject:      Pedophile Joke (offensive to catholics)

        A rabbi, Catholic priest, and a lawyer are aboard a ship
        carrying them and 50 schoolchildren across the English Channel.

        The ship starts to sink and they have to pile into a lifeboat.
        However, the Rabbi quickly notices that the life boat has a
        capacity of 50 people.

        "We obviously have to save the children," the rabbi says, "I
        pray that the Almighty will save my life."  And then he jumps
        into the water.

        The lawyer takes one look at the priest and then grabs one of
        the kids rushing into the boat.

        "Fuck the kids," says the lawyer.

        Says the priest, "Do you think we have time?"
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Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 09:31:51 -0400
From:         Amy L. Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      Top Ten Lists for October 5 - October 7

---> October 5, 1993 <---

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Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 14:31:11 +0100
From:         Alun Richards <A.Richards@STE0409.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject:      Re: More Franglais & Very offensive to Hamsters & Sellotape

Well asgard.clare.tased.edu.au, you're absolutely right, it was
crap.  I missed the accent off the la.  Sorry about that.
And just in case nobody's posted this one:

Q: Why do you wrap hamsters in Sellotape?
A: So they don't split when you fuck them.
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Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 10:27:19 -0400
From:         SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET
Subject:      Broken Pecker Joke (sexual)

A guy takes his broken pecker to a doctor for treatment. The doctor tells
him there's nothing he can do for him except wrap it up with a splint. That
night he and his girlfriend are necking and she keeps waiting for him to
go a little further.

She removes her blouse and says, "Look at this...untouched by human hands."

He doesn't respond.

Then she removes her pants and says, "Look at this...untouched by human
hands."

At this, he jumps up, drops his drawers and says, "Look at this...still in
the crate."
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Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 14:33:35 GMT
From:         Adrian Littler <littler@GATWICK.SGP.SLB.COM>
Subject:      More Micheal Jackson jokes

Apologies if these jokes have been posted before. Some appeared in "The Sun"
a British tabloid paper.

#1

Fourteen kids were drowned on Micheal Jackson's ranch.........His waterbed
burst!

#2

What does Micheal jackson have after dinner?
under Eights (a sweet, After Eights, is traditionally in UK had with coffee
after a meal)

#3

What is M. J.'s latest single
Don't let the son (sun) go down on me

#4
Have you heard M. J. is cutting down on his drinking?
He's down to two tots a night!
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Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 12:48:07 -0400
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Religious team names

I read in a religious mailing list:
==============
> I've said for a long time that we ought to quietly change the namess
> of teams like braves, indians and redskins to names like pilgrims, puritans
> and calvinists.  Let those who understand honor be honored; let those who
> view such names as a dishonor slink quietly away.  Who cares.  There are
> real problems in the world today without manufacturing petty ones.

GOOD IDEA! As long as it doesn't foster too much competition between the
different groups. I can see it now: The Calvinists womped up on the
Arminians 10-2 in last nights game. It must have been foreordained!
==============

For those of you who don't know, Calvinists believe that everything is
predestined while Arminians believe in free will.
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Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 14:40:48 AST
From:         Bob Sanford <RSANFORD@BRHS.COGS.NS.CA>
Subject:      Dog joke - clean (mostly)

This man came home late one night after a bout of elbow-tipping and
found that he was very hungry.  He looked in the fridge and only
found some sort of meat-like spread. He made a couple of sandwiches
from it and found it to be delicious.

The next morning he asked his wife what that delicious concoction was
that he had eaten. She said, "My God, that was dog food!"

He replied, "Well, get some more because I liked it so well."

She obliged. Now she is not only buying dog food for the dog but for
her husband as well, who is gobbling it like there is no tomorrow.

Her grocer asks her one day about the amount of dog food that she is
constantly buying. When she tells him that it is for her husband he
says, "My good grief, that stuff will kill him!" She just shrugs and
buys more dog food. Every time she comes into the store the grocer
tells her that eating dog food will kill her hasband. She ignores him.

After a time, she comes into the store wearing a black dress and a
veil. The grocer says, "See, I told you that eating all that dog food
would kill your husband." She replies, "It wasn't the dog food that
killed him. The damn fool was sitting a stool in the kitchen trying
to lick himself and he fell off and broke his neck.
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Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 13:28:17 CDT
From:         STACY BICHELMEYER <SBICHELM@OZ.UMB.KSU.EDU>
Subject:      Dahmer (gross)

Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer kept the noses of all his victims in
the refrigerator?

Yep.  He wanted to open up a franchise - "Dahmernose pizza!"
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Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 14:58:27 EDT
From:         Se Lareow Patricius <PCONNER@WVNVM.BITNET>
Subject:      a new old version of an old joke

here's a little joke I came up with the other day...

to understand it, realize that
A: in medieval times, the barber was also the doctor
B: It doesn't really make sense anyway

It's based on the "Doctor, my arm hurts when I do this" "Well, don't
do that" joke of old...

A peasant goes to visit the barber, and says
"Barber, my arm hurts whenever I do this..." (waving arm)
The barber naturally answers
"Well, we'll drain a pint of blood and clear that right up"

--Riff
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Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 10:01:51 PDT
From:         HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  2.M     A collection of clean humor gather: 12 Jan 88

  Excerpts from:  Year in Review for 1987  -by Dave Barry

August

10 -- The U.S. space probe Meanderer II, after a journey of six years
and many millions of miles, passes within 400 miles of the surface of
Neptune, sending back dramatic color photographs of a Delta Air Lines jet.

22 -- Rumors circulate that Gary Hart will re-enter the presidential
race.  Johnny Carson places his writers on Full Red Alert.

September

12 -- In the ongoing hearings, Sen. Joseph Biden pledges to consider the
Bork nomination "with total objectivity," adding: "You have that on my
honor not only as a Senator, but also as the Prince of Wales."

October

25 -- The Senate Transportation Committee recommends that the federal
speed limit should be raised on highways going through boring or ugly
areas, so drivers can get through them quicker.  "In Indiana, for
instance," the committee says, "it should be 135 miles per hour."

November

1 -- In the ongoing heroic effort to trim the federal budget deficit,
House and Senate conferees agree not to order appetizers.

15 -- In their continuing heroic deficit-reduction efforts, House and
Senate conferees agree to continue working right through their 2:30
racquetball appointment.

29 -- The world financial community's faith in the U.S. economy is
restored as heroic House and Senate conferees hammer out a breakthrough
compromise deficit-reduction measure under which $417.65 will be slashed
from the $13.2 million pastry budget of the Federal Bureau of Putting Up
Road Signs With Kilometers On Them.

December

27 -- Oscar C. Klaxton, an employee of the U.S. Department for Making
Everybody Nervous, wins a $10,000 prize for dreaming up the concept of a
deadly "hole" in an invisible "ozone layer."

Copyright 1987 Knight-Ridder Newspapers
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Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 15:29:09 -0400
From:         Dale Schroyer <SCHROYE@HSDWL.UTC.COM>
Subject:      A slightly dirty joke

What is the definition of wicker box???

It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
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Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 16:23:33 CST
From:         Weasel <JEFF@CODVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      Sexist Q&A

Q. Why are women like computers?                               /\ /\
A. You take them both for granted until they go down on you.    . .
                                                                /"\
To MARK_MCD : They may be old, but unlike fads and styles,
              universal truths are good forever.
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Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 17:11:58 CDT
From:         Ed Johnson <EJOHNSO3@UA1VM.BITNET>
Subject:      Auburn

Q: What's the difference between Auburn and Mayberry?
A: Mayberry's still on television.

                               Ed Johnson
                               The University of Alabama
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Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 15:35:43 PDT
From:         Wayne Torman <wayneto@MICROSOFT.COM>
Subject:      Offensive to Epileptics!

Q: What do you do if you find an epileptic in your bathtub?

A: Throw in your laundry!
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Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 21:14:53 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Tagline from the Internet

Ifyoucanreadthis,youspendtoomuchtimefiguringouttaglines.
IneedsignificantlymoreroominthislineforwhatIwanttosay.
SCUD : (S)ure (C)ould (U)se (D)irections.
(A)bort (R)etry (I)nfluence with large hammer.
System Failure.  Push (B)ullshit  (W)hine  (S)urrender.
USAir = (U)nderwater (S)eating (A)vailable (I)n (R)ear.
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Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 23:24:18 EST
From:         Bill Edwards, Columbus College, Georgia <EDWARDS@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Academic joke <researchers beware>

   A psychology professor goes to his physician with the complaint that
he is in agony. Every part of his body that he touches hurts like heck--
his nose, his knee, his stomach, everything, everywhere.

   The physician asks, "I see that you are a psychology professor, is
that correct?"

   "Yes, what does that have to do with my pain?"

   "Professor, could you please tell me about your philosophy and
methodology. Are you a behaviorist, or phenomenologist, or something
else?"

   "I'm impressed doc, I didn't realize you knew so much about academe.
I'm a behaviorist and of course I use strictly empirical methodologies in
my research."

   The physician smiles, "Oh now I understand, let me look at your hand. It
sounds like you have a broken finger."
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Date:         Tue, 12 Oct 1993 23:57:16 EDT
From:         Debra Ortiz <ORTIZ@DCSMSERVER.MED.SCAROLINA.EDU>
Subject:      help

Q:  How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A.  A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
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