Digest for Monday, October 11, 1993

There are 11 messages totalling 349 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Re: lindas shorties
  2. OK, Ill change the subject
  3. Sexual Content, Stereotypical
  4. Holmes & Watson, Explicit, Offensive to fruit (both types)
  5. CHUNNEL(Underground tunnel) - (Clean)
  6. Homer Simpson
  7. The Bitten Ear
  8. original limericks
  9. Deer Hunting Schedule (clean)
  10. clean, NOT sexist
  11. Life 2.M A collection of clean humor gather: 12 Jan 88


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Date:         Mon, 11 Oct 1993 02:35:09 EST
From:         Theresa Muir <TFD@CUNYVMS1.BITNET>
Subject:      Re: linda's shorties

>Lou: What happened to that electrician who stuck his finger in the live
>outlet?
>Bud: He was delighted.


This one reminds me of one my father told me when I was tiny;

Q: What did the firefly say when he backed into the airplane propellor?
A: Delighted, no end!

This evening, I saw an uncle of mine, who told me the following, also
when I was tiny (my older relatives had a lot of fun with me when I
was little.  At the time, I did not have the faintest idea of what
these jokes were about):

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Sam and Janet!
Sam and Janet who?
(sung) Sam and Janet Evening!

(You probably have to love musicals to get this one)

Theresa

Hey, we've done the nostalgia thing with elephants, dead babies, Helen
Keller, etc.  How about knock knock jokes?
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Date:         Mon, 11 Oct 1993 06:55:46 EST
From:         Theresa Muir <TFD@CUNYVMS1.BITNET>
Subject:      OK, I'll change the subject

Knock knock
Who's there?
Gorilla.
Gorilla my dreams, I love you!

and my favorite, stolen straight from the Mary Tyler Moore show (if
any of you children have cable, you can still see this on Nickelodeon, and
see what funny really is):

Knock knock
Who's there?
Anna Maria Alberghetti.
Anna Maria Alberghetti who?
Anna Maria Alberghetti in a taxi, honey . . .

Theresa
(who never got to bed)
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Date:         Mon, 11 Oct 1993 08:25:17 EDT
From:         John Chick <JCHICK@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject:      Sexual Content, Stereotypical

So Tom has been dating this women, Wendy, for a long time and decides
to propose to her.  He buys her a ring and pops the question.  Wendy agrees
to marry him, but has had so many bad experiences with men that she finds
it hard to trust any of them.  So, she asks Tom to have her name tattooed
onto his penis and he agrees and has WENDY tattooed onto his penis.  As
fate would have it, things didn't work out and Tom and Wendy boke up before
the wedding.
    Now Tom was pretty depressed and decided to go on vacation to Jamaica
to get himself back together.  While there, he decided to go to a nudist
beach.  So he's walking on the beach and sees this Jamaican guy who also
has WENDY tattooed on his cock.  Tom goes up to him and says "excuse me
but I couldn't help noticing that you know Wendy."  The Jamaican replies
"What are you talking about man?"
Tom shows the Jamaican his tattoo and says "You have the same tattoo, you
must know Wendy."  The Jamaican replies
"I don't know any Wendy, man, and my tattoo actually says 'WElcome to
jamaica have a Nice DaY'!"
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Date:         Mon, 11 Oct 1993 14:42:15 +0100
From:         Alun Richards <A.Richards@STE0409.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject:      Holmes & Watson, Explicit, Offensive to fruit (both types)

So Sherlock Holmes & Dr. Watson have just solved another case,
and Watson is dozing lightly.  He becomes aware of his trousers
being removed, and a of yellow citrus fruit being thrust between
his buttocks.
"Holmes, Holmes, what's going on?"
"A lemon entry, my dear Watson."
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Date:         Mon, 11 Oct 1993 15:11:04 +0100
From:         P S Gupta <P.S.Gupta@BRA0801.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject:      CHUNNEL(Underground tunnel) - (Clean)

Recently, my friend circle had a new member. This time from
France. So, I was reminded of a joke I read a few years ago.
- The idea of building a chunnel between France & England was
conceived quite a few years back. I believe it goes as far as
the days of Napoleon. Now, the question was "How do we build the
chunnel ?". One suggested "Well, one man starts digging in
France, and one in England and they meet somewhere in the middle.
A question was raised "What if they don't meet ?". To which the
first one replied "Well, we shall have two chunnels..".
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Date:         Mon, 11 Oct 1993 09:43:58 -0600
From:         Mike Novak <NOVAKMJ@SLUVCA.SLU.EDU>
Subject:      Homer Simpson

This reminded me of one of my favorite snipits from _The Simpsons_:

Homer is talking with God(!) :

Homer:  God, what is the meaning of life?

  God:  Oh Homer, I can't tell you that!  You'll find out when you die.

Homer:  D'OH!!  But I can't wait that long!

  God:  You can't wait six months?!
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Date:         Mon, 11 Oct 1993 11:35:53 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      The Bitten Ear <Mulla>

THE BITTEN EAR

     Two men came before Nasrudin when he was acting in his
capacity of magistrate.  One said, "The man has bitten my ear--I
demand compensation."  The other said, "He bit it himself."
Nasrudin adjourned the case and withdrew to his chambers. There he
spent half an hour trying to bite his own ear.  All that he
succeeded in doing was falling over in the attempt, and bruising
his forehead.  Then he returned to the courtroom.

     "Examine the man whose ear was bitten," he ordered.  "If his
forehead is bruised, he did it himself, and the case is dismissed.
If not, the other one did it, and the bitten man is compensated
with three silver pieces."

     The right verdict had been arrived at by seemingly illogical
methods.
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Date:         Mon, 11 Oct 1993 12:09:10 CDT
From:         Kevan L. Moore <moore@TEKELEC.COM>
Subject:      original limericks

hello.  just some originals to prove that limerics don't have to be dirty.
gross, perhaps, but not dirty. a haiku is thrown in for free.


a teenager ate chocolate bars
as many almost as the stars
the subsequent swelling
left people rapelling
and scaling his deep facial scars


a sleepy programmer named Gene
chose to end his long fast from caffiene
he sipped sugared coffee
then screamed and took off. he
since hasn't been heard from or seen


a big-nosed hawaiian young man
had a schnoz large and flat like a fan
on a windy day he
held his face to the lee
and his outrigger sailed to japan


a artist once chiseled a cow
but could not sell his sculpture somehow
so to keep him from starving
he butchered his carving
and had marble steaks for his chow


chef dahmer had soon made his mark
with his fried-food cafe in the park
he was fair in his place
never partial to race
for he offered both white meat and dark


there once was a poet named bob
whose limericks almost were supurb
though his meter was great
and his imagery clear
he would always have trouble with rhymes


when bob wrote haiku he
never quite got the meter right
but the rhyme scheme was easy


klm
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Date:         Mon, 11 Oct 1993 13:47:43 EST
From:         ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center <ADKO@NMUMUS.BITNET>
Subject:      Deer Hunting Schedule (clean)

In preparation for the upcoming deer hunting season (a season which
receives more attention than Christmas in my midwest neck of the
woods) I offer the following Deer Hunter Opening Day Summation:

 1:00 a.m.  Alarm clock rings.
 2:00 a.m.  Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
 3:00 a.m.  Leave for deep woods.
 3:15 a.m.  Arrive back home and pick up gun.
 3:30 a.m.  Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight.
 4:00 a.m.  Set up camp -- forgot the damn tent!
 4:30 a.m.  Head into the woods.
 6:05 a.m.  See a deer.
 6:06 a.m.  Take aim and squeeze trigger.
 6:07 a.m.  Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
 8:00 a.m.  Head back to camp.
 9:00 a.m.  Still looking for camp.
10:00 a.m.  Realize you don't have a clue where camp is.
12:00 noon  Fire gun for help -- eat wild berries.
12:15 p.m.  Out of bullets -- 6 deer come by.
12:20 p.m.  Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 p.m.  Realize you ate poisoned berries.
12:45 p.m.  Rescued.
12:55 p.m.  Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
 3:00 p.m.  Arrive back at camp.
 3:30 p.m.  Leave camp to kill deer.
 4:00 p.m.  Arrive back at camp for bullets.
 4:01 p.m.  Load gun.  Leave camp again.
 5:00 p.m.  Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
 6:00 p.m.  Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing at camp.
 6:01 p.m.  Load gun.
 6:02 p.m.  Fire gun.
 6:03 p.m.  Hit pick up.
 6:06 p.m.  Partner returns to camp dragging 6 point buck.
 6:07 p.m.  Suppress strong desire to shoot partner.
 6:08 p.m.  Fall into campfire.
 6:10 p.m.  Change clothes.  Throw burned ones in fire.
 6:16 p.m.  Take pick up, leave partner and his deer in the woods.
 6:25 p.m.  Pick up boils over due to hole shot in block.
 6:26 p.m.  Begin walking.
 6:35 p.m.  Stumble and fall -- drop gun in mud.
 6:40 p.m.  Meet bear.
 6:42 p.m.  Fire gun, blow up barrel -- plugged with mud.
 6:43 p.m.  Wet pants.
 6:44 p.m.  Climb tree.
 9:00 p.m.  Bear departs.  Wrap $@!%&^* gun around tree.
12:00 midn  Home at last!

Sunday:     Watch football game on T.V. slowly tearing hunting
            license into little pieces.  Place into envelope.
            Mail to game warder with clever instruction on where
            to place it!
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Date:         Mon, 11 Oct 1993 21:30:15 +0100
From:         Dirk VanGulik <dirk.vangulik@CEN.JRC.IT>
Subject:      clean, NOT sexist

Q: how do make a man's brain look like a pea ??
A: Inflate it and paint it green...
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Date:         Mon, 11 Oct 1993 17:15:06 PDT
From:         HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  2.M     A collection of clean humor gather: 12 Jan 88

----------------------------------------------------

  Excerpts from:  Year in Review for 1987  -by Dave Barry

January

21 -- The Audi Corporation is forced to recall 250,000 cars after
repeated incidents wherein parked Audis, apparently acting on their own,
used their mobile phones to purchase stocks on margin.

28 -- In the Middle East, Syria has its name legally changed to
"Jordan."  A welcome calm settles over Beirut as the six remaining
civilians are taken hostage.

February

3 -- In the ongoing war against the federal budget deficit, Congress
gives itself a pay raise.

23 -- Panic grips the nation as a terrorist group seizes 150,000 new,
improved W-4 forms and threatens to send them to randomly selected
Americans through the mail.

March

21 -The IRS releases an even newer, simpler W-4 form in response to
complaints from a number of taxpayers, all of whom will be audited for
the rest of their lives.

May

4 -- The Hart story becomes so hot that issue-oriented Phil Donahue
devotes a show to it, canceling the regular weekly appearance of the
sex-change lesbian surrogate-mother nude-dancer ex-priests.

29 -- Nineteen-year-old German Mathias Rust, flying a single-engined
Cessna airplane, manages to cross 400 miles of Soviet airspace to reach
Red Square in Moscow, where he narrowly avoids colliding with a Delta
Air Lines flight en route from Pittsburgh to Cleveland.

30 -- Caspar Weinberger orders 5,000 single-engine Cessna airplanes.

June

18 -- A survey of Florida residents reveals that their number one
concern about the state is that "not enough people are walking around
with guns." Alarmed, the state Legislature passes a law under which all
citizens who are not actually on Death Row will be REQUIRED to carry
revolvers.


Copyright 1987 Knight-Ridder Newspapers
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