Digest for Sunday, October 10, 1993

There are 12 messages totalling 332 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Masturbation joke.
  2. Death of Barney
  3. Reincarnation (ever so slightly offensive perhaps)
  4. Re: Barney SUCKS
  5. Re: Barney SUCKS
  6. Reincarnation (ever so slightly offensive perhaps)
  7. Etymology of the word grok
  8. Sexist Joke (gross, offensive, immature)
  9. Looking for eggs
  10. Oxygen (was Re: Etymology of the word grok)
  11. More shorties (clean)
  12. Re: lindas shorties


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Date:         Sun, 10 Oct 1993 01:40:15 EST
From:         Tyler Haulenbeek <X7FV@SLUMUS.BITNET>
Subject:      Masturbation joke.

Just a quickie (another one from Jack the drunken one...):
FATHER: Jack, if masturbate, you'll go blind.
JACK:  Dad, I'm over HERE.

      "I swore I would be true, and honey, so did you...
       So why were you holding her hand?  Is that the way we stand?
       We're lying all the time..."   -the Cranberries
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Date:         Sun, 10 Oct 1993 03:24:02 EST
From:         Tyler Haulenbeek <X7FV@SLUMUS.BITNET>
Subject:      Death of Barney

Hi everybody...I know I already made a post, today, but I had to share
this with ya...
I recently received a little story (250+ lines) about Barney meeting
his distant cousins...it's really gross, and really, really anti-Barney
the Purple Hugasaurus, and (to me, anyways) REALLY FREAKIN' FUNNY.
I unfortunately can't post it to this list, apparantly due to its
length.  BUT I would be happy to send it to anyone who asks.
I'm not sure who the original author is, but I did propose to them,
solely because of their anti-Barney attitude. Sooooo, if you hate Barney
as much as I do, let me know, and I'll send this lovely little story to
you.  (NOT FOR THE MEEK)
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Date:         Sun, 10 Oct 1993 15:45:29 LCL
From:         LEUSCHNE <LEUSCHNE@DULRUU51.BITNET>
Subject:      Reincarnation (ever so slightly offensive perhaps)

Consider the story of the two octogenarians on a park bench. One asks
the other:

"Do you believe in reincarnation?"

"Well, Joe," replies Harry, "I've never really thought much about it."
  tis
ng to go first.  Le
t's agree that the one who is left behind will
come to this park bench every Wednesday at 11:00 a.m., and the one who
has departed will find a way of getting a message to him at that time
about reincarnation and all those other things that are beyond our ken."

Harry agrees.

One month later, Joe dies peacefully in his sleep.  Every week for
several months, Harry takes up his station at the park bench at 11:00
a.m.

Then one Wednesday, at the appointed hour, he hears a voice, as though
from afar.

"Harry, Harry, can you hear me?" the voice says.  "It's Joe."

"Joe, for heaven's sake, what is it like?"

"You wouldn't believe it, Harry, about the only thing you do up here is
make love.  They wake you up at seven in the morning and you make love
until noon.  After lunch and a nap, you're at it again right through
until dinner time."

"Good gosh, Joe, what are you and where are you?"

"I'm a rabbit in Montana!"

------
From: Cousins, Norman (1990), The laughter prescription, Saturday
Evening Post, 262(6), 32-40

  Burkhard Leuschner Paedagogische Hochschule,  Schwaebisch Gmuend,
  Germany Burkhard.Leuschner@extern.uni-ulm.de  Leuschne@dulruu51
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Date:         Sun, 10 Oct 1993 13:11:13 EST
From:         Tyler Haulenbeek <X7FV@SLUMUS.BITNET>
Subject:      Re: Barney SUCKS

Hi again, everyone...
Well, that Barney story post has been on for less than 12 hours, and
I've gotten at LEAST 10 responses...
I THINK I answered everyone...if I forgot you, let me know...
BTW, with someone's permission, I COULD just break it down into smaller
bits and post in on the list...
How 'bout it, people-in-charge?
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Date:         Sun, 10 Oct 1993 13:43:56 -0700
From:         Linda White <snowhite@ESKIMO.COM>
Subject:      Re: Barney SUCKS

Waiter: Are you ready to order, sir?
Diner: Yes. I'd like a hamburger, and make it lean.
Waiter: Yes, sir; which way, sir?
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Date:         Sun, 10 Oct 1993 22:02:47 LCL
From:         LEUSCHNE <LEUSCHNE@DULRUU51.BITNET>
Subject:      Reincarnation (ever so slightly offensive perhaps)

Consider the story of the two octogenarians on a park bench. One asks
the other:

"Do you believe in reincarnation?"

"Well, Joe," replies Harry, "I've never really thought much about it."

"Maybe we ought to start thinking about it," says Joe.  "One of us is
going to go first.  Let's agree that the one who is left behind will
come to this park bench every Wednesday at 11:00 a.m., and the one who
has departed will find a way of getting a message to him at that time
about reincarnation and all those other things that are beyond our ken."

Harry agrees.

One month later, Joe dies peacefully in his sleep.  Every week for
several months, Harry takes up his station at the park bench at 11:00
a.m.

Then one Wednesday, at the appointed hour, he hears a voice, as though
from afar.

"Harry, Harry, can you hear me?" the voice says.  "It's Joe."

"Joe, for heaven's sake, what is it like?"

"You wouldn't believe it, Harry, about the only thing you do up here is
make love.  They wake you up at seven in the morning and you make love
until noon.  After lunch and a nap, you're at it again right through
until dinner time."

"Good gosh, Joe, what are you and where are you?"

"I'm a rabbit in Montana!"

------
From: Cousins, Norman (1990), The laughter prescription, Saturday
Evening Post, 262(6), 32-40

  Burkhard Leuschner Paedagogische Hochschule,  Schwaebisch Gmuend,
  Germany Burkhard.Leuschner@extern.uni-ulm.de  Leuschne@dulruu51
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Date:         Sun, 10 Oct 1993 20:57:01 -0400
From:         Byron Lanning <BJLANNING@DELPHI.COM>
Subject:      Etymology of the word grok

                                         Copywright 1993 by Byron Lanning

According to the Peter Funk Press, the word grok originated from the Old
English word groaks, a form of sugar coated groats which came with a secret
prize in every package. It became the favorite breakfast cereal of Old
English kids, and they begged their parents to buy it for them whenever they
went shopping at the grocery store.

Some soothsayers during the reign of Alfred the Great could read the lumps
in groaks and foretell the future. For instance, the soothsayer Madame Thug
read a bowl of groaks once and predicted the next week will arrive on time
and it did as she exactly said. Later, another soothsayer Ms. Buttcrack
predicted that Old English would evolve into Middle English. This went
against the conventional assumption that Old English would become Older
English then Oldest English then Dead English, and King Harold made her swim
the English Channel in a suit of armor.

Roger Bacon, the philosopher and monastery-man, who theorized that someday
gunpowder would become the premier food preservative and called mercury
"really cool stuff," used the word groaks as a verb when he said, I don't
groak at all why my Encyclopedia of Useful Knowledge didn't make the NY
Times Best Seller List."

During the Black Death the a in groak came down with plague and the National
Institute of Health had it burned, which left us with the word grok.
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Date:         Sun, 10 Oct 1993 22:11:37 -0400
From:         Michael Ligas <ligas@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject:      Sexist Joke (gross, offensive, immature)

Why do women have foreheads?

So you have a place to kiss them after you cum in their mouth.
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Date:         Sun, 10 Oct 1993 22:32:03 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Looking for eggs <Mulla>

META-THINKING

     "What are you doing, Mulla?"

     "Looking for eggs."

     "There are no eggs in last year's nest!"

     "Don't be too sure," said Nasrudin, "if you were a bird and
wanted to protect your eggs, would you build a new nest, with
everyone watching?"
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Date:         Sun, 10 Oct 1993 22:05:03 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Oxygen (was Re:  Etymology of the word grok)

Objoke: (Main part written by: Craig Werner (MD/PhD '91))

                                  OXYGEN
                                  ------

Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to these oxygen
concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very much those of
cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.) In higher concentration e.g. about 20%,
the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it takes about 2.5 billion
inhalations before death takes place. The reason for the delay is the
difference in mechanism of the toxic effect of of oxygen in 20% concentration.
It apparently contributes to a complex process called aging, of which very
little is known, except that it is always fatal.

However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is the fact
that it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any considerable
decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with symptoms resembling
those of cyanide poisoning.

Concentrations higher than 20% decrease the above mentioned delay. High
oxygen concentration provokes in prematurely born babies placed in incubators
a condition known as retrolental fibroplasia resulting in blindness. Lung
irritation has been reported on experimental animals exposed for several days
to high oxygen concentrations.

Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All the fires that were reported in the
continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be due to
the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings in
question.

Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
tasteless, so that its presence cannot be readily detected until it is too
late.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Ian note: This is true. Oxygen *is* very bad:  when  blue-green  algae
first  started  manufacturing  it,  it  killed  off 90% of the life on
Earth. That is why people do their best to eliminate algae from places
like refrigerators, sinks, bathrooms, etc.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
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Date:         Sun, 10 Oct 1993 23:18:02 -0700
From:         Linda White <snowhite@ESKIMO.COM>
Subject:      More shorties (clean)

Jenny: Why is Georgie crossing the playground?
Benny: To get to the other slide!

-----------

Lou: What happened to that electrician who stuck his finger in the live
outlet?
Bud: He was delighted.

-----------

Micky: In my opinion, Wanda's a great singer.
Nicky: Yeah, she's waterproof!
Micky: What do you mean?
Nicky: No one can drown her out!

-----------

Miser: someone who earns money the hoard way.

-----------

Big sister: Mom says babies are expensive!
Big brother: Yes, but think how long they last!

                        --- 1993 Joke a Day calendar

- Linda, who knows what day it is whether it's the right one or not

Happy Thanksgiving, Canadians!
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Date:         Sun, 10 Oct 1993 23:42:14 -0700
From:         Linda White <snowhite@ESKIMO.COM>
Subject:      Re: linda's shorties

Please! That subject sounds like wearing apparel! And I'm NOT admitting to
anything!

Taking up Theresa's challenge:

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Fido.
Fido who?
Fido known you were coming, I'd've baked a cake.


Ha! Two points! Knock-knock and musical!


- Linda, who is probably up too late
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