Digest for Saturday, October 09, 1993

There are 8 messages totalling 296 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Language, sex, etc.
  2. Short ones (clean)
  3. answer: WOMEN & COWS
  4. What do MEN say about WOMEN ?
  5. Comps
  6. Home from the Honeymoon (sexual content)
  7. Taglines from the Internet


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Date:         Sat, 9 Oct 1993 02:43:02 EST
From:         Tyler Haulenbeek <X7FV@SLUMUS.BITNET>
Subject:      Language, sex, etc.

(WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYBODY...)

A man was walking on the beach one day, when he came across a woman
with no arms and no legs.  She was lying in the sand crying.
"What's wrong?" asked the man, feeling bad.
"Well...I've never been hugged before...."
The man felt terrible about this.  Out of pity, he picked her up and
gave her a great big hug.  And she felt better.
Suddenly, she started crying again.  "What's wrong?" asked the man,
still pitying the poor, armless, legless woman.
"Well...I've never been kissed before..."
So the man held her close and gave her a deep, soft, wet kiss.  And
she felt better.
Suddenly, once again the woman began to cry. "What's wrong now?"
asked the man.
"Well, I've never been fucked before..."
So the man picked her up and threw her into the nearby ocean. "NOW
YOU'RE FUCKED!!!"

--------------
THIS JOKE IS GROSS.  ENJOY.

There's a sixty-five year old virgin, and she goes into the gynecologist
office.  "I think I've got crabs," she says.
"How can you have crabs?  You're a virgin!" says the doctor.  "Let me
take a look here..."
So she spreads her legs and he takes a look. A few minutes later, he
tells the woman, "Nope, you don't have crabs..."
"Well then, what is it?"  the woman asks.
"You've got fruit flies. Your cherry's rotten."

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I had another joke, but I can't freakin' think of it.
If I remember, I'll post it. (How DO you keep a moron in suspense?)

-Tyler Haulenbeek (Haulenbeek: Dutch for "pulling a bird's face")

   "I must, I must, I must increase my bust..." -Lords of Acid
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Date:         Sat, 9 Oct 1993 01:05:51 -0700
From:         Linda White <snowhite@ESKIMO.COM>
Subject:      Short ones (clean)

"Where is everybody?" he asked.
I don't know, but here are a few from recent Joke A Day calendar pages:

Optimist: Someone with little experience.

---------

Bert: My sister always sings in the shower.
Ernie: Mine, too. She really should sing on the radio.
Bert: She's that good, eh?
Ernie: No, but then I could turn her off!

---------

Rinky: I'm reading a very interesting article on the makeup of the Supreme
Court.
Dinky: Gosh, I didn't know they wore any!

---------

Betty: My son's majoring in music at college. He plays the tuba.
Hetty: Is he any good?
Betty: Good! Why, he's graduating Magna Cum Loud!

---------

Felix: I don't think George is going to make it as a politician.
Oscar: Why not?
Felix: Well, take that speech he gave yesterday...when he asked if they
could hear him in the back and the answer was "no," everyone in front
moved to the back!

---------

Nostalgia buff: someone who finds the past perfect and the present tense.

---------

Olive: It's my golden anniversary!
Angie: It can't be! You only got married in 1986.
Olive: Yes, but I count the time in dog years!

---------

Why are horses lousy dancers?
They have two left feet.

- Linda, filling in until the funny people get back online
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Date:         Sat, 9 Oct 1993 13:04:33 SAT
From:         Hani Al-Sumairi <STUCA1D@SAUPM00.BITNET>
Subject:      answer: WOMEN & COWS

   this is the answer for: whats the difference between a woman and
a cow's milk...
   when you *USE* cows milk you gain energy, but when you *USE* a woman
you loose energy ...*winks*

  whats the relationship between WOMEN and ALIANS?
 answer: they both do no usefull things for EARTH !!!!!!

two persons, one man and one woman..went togather to sell their brains
they woman's brain was 1000 times more expensive than the man's brain.!
why do you think so????? :)

   answer, for those who cannt wait:

the woman's brain hasnt been used before !!!!! *sorry girls* :)

                          Abdullah Al-Sumairi
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Date:         Sat, 9 Oct 1993 17:03:16 SAT
From:         Ayman Sammy <STUHADC@SAUPM00.BITNET>
Subject:      What do MEN say about WOMEN ?

hi all, this is my first post, hope you like it.

        One day, a person came to his friends and asked them what is
   *WOMAN* in your opinion ? the first one was an American, he  said
   "Woman is like a fower if you take care of it, it will last long.
   If you don't, you can replace it with another one."

   The second was an English man, he said "Woman is  like a  can  of
   Pepsi as you finish it, just throw it." The last one was a French
   He said "Waman is like a cassette when side one is finished reverse
   to side two."

                                          Ayman
                                     <*CraZyAyman*>
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Date:         Sat, 9 Oct 1993 10:27:43 CDT
From:         Ed Johnson <EJOHNSO3@UA1VM.BITNET>
Subject:      Comps

Comp (a.k.a. prelims) time was just a day away at a particular leading
university.  To add a little variety to the already tense situation, a couple
second-year doctoral students came up with the following bogus comp questions
that were "accidentally" left in the communication department's copy machine:

1) Which is preferable: qualitative or quantitative research?

2) Develop an algorithm for post-structuralist theory.

3) What is the fallacy of analysis?

4) Partition the principal components of the following numbers in a simple
path analysis:

         98.6  14  27
         -1    44   0

5) What aspect of Bertalanffy's General System Theory explains Terret's
Syndrome?

6) Construct the three analytic models that have replaced Foucault's
discoursive formation.
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Date:         Sat, 9 Oct 1993 11:42:41 -0600
From:         Steve Gorelick <smg@AQUILA.GC.CUNY.EDU>
Subject:      <No Subject Given>

Some great Henny Youngman jokes:

1) I once bet on a horse that was so slow I bet it to live.

2) My wife is such a bad cook that, when I wake up in the morning, all the
roaches have hung themselves on dental floss.

3) Doctor: You only have six months to live.

Man: I can't pay the bill.

Doctor: Allright, I'll give you another six months.

4) A man to his psychiatrist after waiting for an hour: Doctor, no one pays
any attention to me.

Doctor: Next patient, please.

5) My daughter had an affair and didn't even bother to have it catered.

Any Henny Youngman fans out there?
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Date:         Sat, 9 Oct 1993 13:03:06 CDT
From:         Ed Johnson <EJOHNSO3@UA1VM.BITNET>
Subject:      Home from the Honeymoon (sexual content)

You need to read _Latin for All Occasions_ by Henry Beard (1990) New York:
Villard Books.

Here are a few examples from the section,"Latin Bumper Stickers for You
Chariot":

FRENA PRO FERIS TENEO
*I stop for animals

CUM CATAPULTAE PROSCRIPTAE ERUNT TUM SOLI PROSCRIPTI CATAPULTAS
HABEBUNT
*When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.


The following are some other handy lines from the book:

Dic! Itane est!
* You don't say!

Raptus regaliter
*Royally screwed

Num ista condicio optima est?
*Is that your best offer?

Ego te demitto.
*You're fired

Lege atque lacrima
*Read 'em and weep.

Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.
*Don't call me, I'll call you.

Braccae tuae aperiuntur
*Your fly is open.

Foras gradiamur.
Let's step outside.

Apudne te vel me?
*Your place or mine?

Venite ac capite!
*Come and get it!

Da mihi habenas.
*Give me a break.
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Date:         Sat, 9 Oct 1993 21:55:23 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Taglines from the Internet

These tagline are in the Tom Swifty tradition of humor:

You tell 'em Bald Head, you're smooth.
You tell 'em Banana, you've been skinned.
You tell 'em Bank, you're safe.
You tell 'em Bean, He's stringing you.
You tell 'em Brake, you've got the drag.
You tell 'em Butcher, you've got a lot of tongue.
You tell 'em Cabbage, you've got the head.
You tell 'em Cat, That's what you're fur.
You tell 'em Chloroform, you can put them to sleep.
You tell 'em Church Bell, I told you.
You tell 'em Clock, you've got the time.
You tell 'em Dentist, you've got the pull.
You tell 'em Hard-Boiled Egg, you're hard to beat.
You tell 'em June, And don't July.
You tell 'em Manicurist, I've been trimmed.
You tell 'em Mountain, I'm only a bluff.
You tell 'em Operator, you've got their number.
You tell 'em Printer, I'm not your type.
You tell 'em Railroad, It's not along my line.
You tell 'em Skyscraper, you have more than one story.
You tell 'em Teacher, you've got the class.
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