Digest for Friday, October 08, 1993

There are 14 messages totalling 373 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. TRUE STORY!
  2. More Franglais Jokes
  3. computer dictionary - part 8 of 9
  4. Sexist Q&A
  5. mildly sexist
  6. Immigrants and new culture
  7. Ethnic mocking
  8. Re: Haunted House
  9. Another canibal
  10. Parrot Joke (Clean)
  11. Is it me?
  12. Ketchup
  13. Re: Another canibal


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Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 07:41:00 EST
From:         Haussler, BJ. <bjh3@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject:      TRUE STORY!

This TRUE STORY from my secretary......Last week her mother was getting her
usual "do" when her hairdresser relayed a previous-day experience:
     The hairdresser (owner) was getting ready to close up her shop when a
man came in and asked if she could give him a "quick cut" before she closed.
She agreed,and as she was trimming the guy's hair, he put his hand under the
"cape" and the cape started moving. (She became somewhat uncomfortable.)

     Then, the lady got REAL concerned when the man put his OTHER hand
under the cape and the cape started moving MORE; she thought she was trimming
the hair of a PERVERT. She then panicked, took a hairdryer and smashed the
man up-side his head, causing him to black out on the floor........


     The lady hurried and called 911, police came............only to find out

that the poor guy was JUST CLEANING HIS GLASSES!

                                                    Beej
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Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 11:58:39 +0100
From:         Alun Richards <A.Richards@STE0409.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject:      More Franglais Jokes

1: "Frappe, frappe."   2: "Qui est la?"
1: "Lors"              2: "Lors qui?
1: "Oui, that's why I frapped"

Q: Why doesn't a Frenchman have 2 eggs for breakfast?
A: Because one egg is un oeuf.
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Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 07:56:00 EDT
From:         Musat, Bob <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject:      computer dictionary - part 8 of 9

 - - - - - - - - -
COMPUTER DICTIONARY
By Phillip M Chow and Kenneth P Coles

SERIAL:  Wheaties, Cheerios, etc.
SIMULATOR:  What you actually purchased when you bought your computer.  Also
see MAINFRAME.
STACK:  The area of a computer's memory used to collect garbage bytes.
STAND ALONE:  What happens to a programmer when he starts talking about
computers at a party.
STATE OF THE ART:  Undefined.
SUBROUTINE:  Close hatches before diving.
SUBSCRIPT:  Generally inferior to SUPERSCRIPT.
SUPERSCRIPT:  Generally superior to SUBSCRIPT.
TERMINAL:  Mental state of programmers.
USER:  Someone requiring drug rehabilitaion.
VOLATILE STORAGE:  A disk drive filled with nitroglycerine.
WORK STATION:  The last place where you'll find a programmer.
WRITE:  Opposite of wrong.
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Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 07:28:17 CST
From:         Weasel <JEFF@CODVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      Sexist Q&A

Q. Why are women like postage stamps?
A. You lick 'em, you stick 'em, then you send them on their way.
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Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 12:33:45 EDT
From:         Tiffany Martin <tmartin@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      mildly sexist

There were three men walking on a beach.  While walking the found a bottle.
  One man picked up the bottle and rubbed it a couple of times.  All of a
sudden a genie popped out and said, "Your wish is my command."  The first man
replied, "make me 10 times smarter than I am now."  The genie waved his hands
and said,"Poof!  You are now 10 times smarter than you were."

   The second man decided to rub the bottle and the genie popped out again and
said, "Your wish is my command."  And the second man replied," Make me 100
times amarter than I am now."  The genie waved his hands and said, "Poof!  you
are now 100 times smarter than you were."

   The third man picked up the bottle and rubbed it and out popped the genie
again.  The genie said, "Your wish is my command."  The third man replied,"
O.K.
make me 1000 times smarter than I am right now."  The genie waved his hands
and
said, "Poof, you are a WOMAN! "

**That is dedicated to all the sexist males**
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Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 13:34:25 EDT
From:         Steven Gorelick <SMG@AQUILA.GC.CUNY.EDU>
Subject:      <No Subject Given>

Does anyone know some stories/jokes about the experiences of new
immigrants, particularly relating to learning a new language, culture?

Steve Gorelic
smg@aquila.gc.cuny.edu
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Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 13:45:11 EDT
From:         Paul Worth <pworth@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      Immigrants and new culture

Jose was new to the U.S. and was attending a baseball game with his cousins.
They had really bad seats and Jose was seated right behind the flagpole.  He
found that if he stood up in his seat he could see over the top of the pole.
He had never attended a baseball game before and wasn't sure what to expect.
Imagine his surprise when a band came onto the field, everyone stood up, took
off their hats, turned toward him, and sang in unison "Jose, can you see?".
What a great country!

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Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 13:53:29 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Ethnic mocking <rude to targets>

These are examples of ethnic jokes I read this summer. I am not
repeating them here to be offensive to any of the target groups.
I enjoyed them as humor which people tell during their dark moods.

Q: what is the difference between the Itialian mafia and the Polish Mafia?
A1: The Itialian Mafia makes you an offer you can't refuse,
A2:  The Polish mafia makes you an offer you can't understand.

A stupid pygmy joke:

"What do you call the black stuff between an elephant's toes?"
Slow pygmies

Another American ethnic joke

"What do you get when you cross a Vietnamese with a Puerto Rican"?
A car thief that can't drive.

This is an very funny joke I came across after the Indo-Pak war in
1971. Here it goes....

Somewhere near the Indo-pak border there was fierce fighting. On
one side of the border the Sikh Regiment was shooting
indiscriminately at the Paki side. All of sudden the Commander of
the Sikh regiment got a brilliant idea.

He stood up and yelled Multan Ahmed !!!
On the other side Multan Ahmed of Paki forces stood up and boom he
was history.

Next the Commander stood up and yelled Imtiaz Ali
Sure enough Imtiaz Ali stood and boom boom he was also confined to
the dustbin.

All day this went on.

This strategy was surely working and by the end of the day many
paki soldiers were dead. At dawn, the commander of the Paki forces
called his remaining soldiers for a meeting. Now they were able to
figure out what went wrong. They were stupid and decided that this
will not happen again. This time no one will stand up even if they
call out our name again and again.

Come next morning, the commander of Sikh regiment very pleased with
yesterday's results tried the same stunt.

"Ahmed Hussain"

Nobody got up from the other side.

"Ahmed Hussain"

No response once again.

The commander was perplexed, he yelled out for his second-in-
command Satnam Singh.

Sure enough everybody from the other side got up to say there is no
Satnam Singh!!!

Boom Boom boom boom .....


Now we know why pakis lost the war.....
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Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 11:28:13 -0700
From:         Mike McNair <mkm%srs11c@SCF28.SCF.LORAL.COM>
Subject:      Re: Haunted House

With this being a Christian group, you probably want to stay away from
anything that may be interpreted as satanic, etc. and just go with
something scary.  Aside from decorations, there are other things to
consider.  For instance, the food.  Since this is a youth activity,
consider serving 'bloody fingers' (hot dogs smothered in catsup),
'worms' (gummy worms), 'martian eye-balls' (green olives), etc.  You
can have lots of fun coming up with alternate names for many foods.
Also having boxes or booths where the kids can stick there hands inside
to feel around is great.  Of course, you do not want the kids to be
able to see what they are touching.  Having things like jello, boiled
egg, cooked oatmeal, etc. provide all sorts of fuel for active
imaginations.

------------------------------------------------------------
Mike McNair                                        John 3:16
mkm@srs.loral.com                             Romans 10:9-13
------------------------------------------------------------
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Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 14:42:37 LCL
From:         Rafael Lacaz Ruiz <RAFLRUIZ@TUVIRA.CIAGRI.USP.BR>
Subject:      Another canibal

(Sorry if it is repeated...)
Once upon a time, a family sitting round a table.
The daughter complaims:
- Mom, I don't like my brother.
- ...
- Mom, I don't like my brother!
- ...
- Mom, I don't like my brother!!!
- Shut up you, and eat !!

Rafael Lacaz Ruiz
University of Sao Paulo - Brazil
Raflruiz@tuvira.ciagri.usp.br
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Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 13:40:53 CDT
From:         Keith Lingwall <Keith=Lingwall%DSS%NA=Hou@BANGATE.COMPAQ.COM>
Subject:      Parrot Joke (Clean)

 So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears
like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes
straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns
him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is
driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the
throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just
makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK, fork you." and locks the bird
in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches,
and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a
stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the
freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks
and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the
bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so
worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says,
"Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to
improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that
has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Keith Lingwall          Ham Radio: KB5NSD
Network Administrator   Landline: (713) 378-7654
Compaq Computer Corp.   CIS : 76646,2325
Houston, TX             Internet: KRL%DSS%NA=Hou@Bangate.Compaq.com

* Not an official spokesman for Compaq Computer Corporation *
---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 15:35:42 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Is it me? <Mulla Nasrudin>

IS IT ME YOU SEE?

     The Mulla walked into a shop one day.

     The owner came forward to serve him.

     "First things first," said Nasrudin.  "Did you see me walk
into your shop?"

     "Of course."

     "Have you ever seen me before?"

     "Never in my life."

     "Then how do you know it is me?"
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Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 14:56:18 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      Ketchup

Back home in Malaysia, we call catsup "tomato sauce". Soy sauce, on the
other hand, we call "kicap". [pronounced "kee chup"]

Imagine the confusion that ensured when we tried to follow an American
cooking T.V. show:
        "Now add 4 or 5 tablespoons of catsup..."

Boy, talk about *salty* meat loaf...

By the way, I noticed that a German word for soy sauce is "kidjap" or
something like that -- probably borrowed from the Dutch which is
borrowed from the Indonesian, which is a dialect of Malay. [The Dutch
used to own Indonesia.]

Yours unamericanly,
                Ian Chai
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Date:         Fri, 8 Oct 1993 21:57:54 -0400
From:         Brian K. Auger <bauger@CAP.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Another canibal

Reminds me of:

- Mommy!  Mommy!  There's a spot on Daddy's leg!
- Shut up and eat around it!


> Once upon a time, a family sitting round a table.
> The daughter complaims:
> - Mom, I don't like my brother.
> - ...
> - Mom, I don't like my brother!
> - ...
> - Mom, I don't like my brother!!!
> - Shut up you, and eat !!
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