Digest for Thursday, October 07, 1993

There are 18 messages totalling 605 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Poor girl
  2. Re: Help...
  3. See Mother run
  4. Travelling Salesman
  5. Yankees
  6. Catholic Priest < Sick, preverted , but timely>
  7. Sexist Q&A
  8. Concert cond.
  9. Religous Golf
  10. limmerick
  11. computer dictionary - part 7 of 9
  12. A few more elephants
  13. signs & a polish joke
  14. Life 2.L - A collection of clean humor gather: 11 Dec 87
  15. The Trivia Grab Bag
  16. Re: (RUMMELH@USCN) fat people humor
  17. Real truth; relative truth
  18. Update - re Chain Letter


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Date:         Thu, 7 Oct 1993 08:40:49 GMT-0100
From:         HOGNE SANDVIK <Hogne.Sandvik@ISF.UIB.NO>
Subject:      Poor girl

The french girl came home, sobbing because she was pregnant.
- Who is the father of the child? her father demanded.
- Well, he is the most famous man in France.
- What? The President?!
- No, father, the unknown soldier!
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Date:         Thu, 7 Oct 1993 09:09:25 MET
From:         Richard Badham <badhamr@GEOSCC.OSLO.SGP.SLB.COM>
Subject:      Re: Help...

Funnily enough, "mouse", or "mus" pronounced "moose", has a very definit
double meaning in Norway. What's small and comes in a warm furry package?

My  friend when introducing windows to local government secretaries always
got an embarassed laugh when he said "just take hold of your mouse and
gently press button". It often broke the ice at a rather boring lecture.
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Date:         Thu, 7 Oct 1993 11:04:11 LCL
From:         LEUSCHNE <LEUSCHNE@DULRUU51.BITNET>
Subject:      See Mother run

The friend who had the following text couldn't remember where he found
it and when - maybe decades ago. If anyone has seen this before and
remembers where, I would certainly appreciate to hear about it.

And one more thing - if someone has a First Reader lying about, could he
or she be so kind as to send me the text of, say, the first two pages -
can't be a lot to type :-) . This would be very helpful, because in
Germany I have no access to reading primers for American children.

                              ---

                        OH, SEE MOTHER RUN

                           Joan Mills

See Mother. Mother is sleeping. "Jump up, Mother," says Father.
"Jump up! Today is the first day of term."

Oh, see Mother get out of bed! Her eyes are not open. Her
slippers are on the wrong feet. She cannot find the bedroom door.
Funny Mother!

"Hurry, children," says Mother. "Today is the first day of term!"

See the children go down to the kitchen. They hurry slowly on the
first day of term, don't they? Mother hurries to the kitchen,
too. Mother has one eye open now.

"I will give you a good breakfast," says Mother. "I will give you
fruit juice, porridge, toast, bacon, eggs, and milk from the
friendly cow."

"Ugh!" says Laura.

"Ugh!" says Bobby.

"Ugh!" says Chris.

Laura wants cottage cheese and tea. Bobby wants cornflakes and
cocoa. Chris wants three bananas.

"Ugh!" says Mother.

Here comes Father. He is wearing his clean white shirt and good
brown suit. Father is a business executive. "I am going to work,
Mother," says Father. "Good-bye!"

"Good-bye, Father!" call Laura, Bobby, Chris and Mother. Father
waves good-bye. Father is glad he is a businessman and not a
mother.

                               ***

"Children, children!" says Mother. "Hurry up and put on your
clothes. Soon the school bus will arrive!"

See Laura. Laura is combing her hair. See Bobby. Bobby is
reading. See Chris. Chris is tattooing his stomach with a
ballpoint pen.

See Mother's hair stand up! What is Mother saying? Those words
are not in our book, are they? _Run_, children, _run_!

"Mother, Mother!" says Laura. "I have lost a shoe!"

"Mother, Mother!", says Chris. "My zip is stuck, and I have a
jelly baby in my ear!"

"Mother, Mother!", says Bobby. "I think I am ill. I think I may
be sick on the yellow school bus!"

Oh, see Mother run!

"I am going mad," says Mother. "Here is Laura's shoe on the
stove. Here is another pair of trousers for Chris. Here is a
thermometer for Bobby, who does not look ill to me."

Now what are the children doing? Laura is combing her hair. Bobby
is playing the banjo. Chris is under the bed feeding jelly babies
to the cat.

"Oh!" says Mother. "Hurry, hurry! It is time for the yellow
school bus!"

Mother is right. (Mother is always right.) Here comes the yellow
school bus.

See all the children on the bus jump up and down. Jump! Jump!
Jump! See the pencil cases fly out of the windows! Listen to the
driver of the yellow school bus. He cannot shout as loud as the
children, can he? Run, Laura! Run, Bobby! Run, Chris!

See Mother throw kisses. Why do Laura, Bobby and Chris pretend
they do not know Mother?

"Good-bye! Good-bye!" calls Mother. "Barroom!" goes the yellow
bus.

                               ***


How quiet it is.

Here is Chris's sweater in the shoe cupboard.

Here are Bobby's glasses under the cat.

Here is Laura's comb in the fruit bowl.

Here are cornflakes all over the kitchen floor.

Here is Mother. Crunch, crunch, crunch.

Mother is making a big cup of coffee. Mother is sitting down.
Mother does not say anything. Mother does not do anything. Mother
just sits and smiles.

Why is Mother smiling?
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Date:         Thu, 7 Oct 1993 07:56:00 -0400
From: Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642 <D7AP002@TOA.TOWSON.EDU>
Subject:      Travelling Salesman

There was this lady of the evening that was out on the road. Since it was
getting dark, she decided to stop at this farm house for the night. The farmer
told her that there was no room in the house, but there was some room in the
barn. He also told her that there were two travelling salesmen in the barn
already. She indicated that it would be no problem. After she had gone to the
barn, the farmer realized that his daughter's pet bear was in the barn but
decided that she would see it when she go there.

The next morning she went to the farmer to thank him and he asked how things
went during the night. She replied, "Oh those two travelling salesmen were
great but that college kid in the fur coat didn't even thank me."
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Date:         Thu, 7 Oct 1993 07:47:37 CDT
From:         Ed <EJOHNSO3@UA1VM.BITNET>
Subject:      Yankees

Ahem, after reading a string of redneck jokes here, may I suggest a little
cultural diversity?  For example, you know you're a Yankee when...

someone calls you "Sir" or "Ma'am" and you find yourself wondering what they
meant by it.

your idea of a wilderness experience is walking on something other than
concrete.

Well, that's a start, but I'm sure many of you on this list can think of
other fun things by which a person can tell whether he or she's a Yankee.

                                          --Ed Johnson
                                            University of Alabama
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Date:         Thu, 7 Oct 1993 09:46:47 EST
From:         ROBERT RYAN <ROBERT_RYAN@CCMAIL.GSFC.NASA.GOV>
Subject:      Catholic Priest < Sick, preverted ,  but timely>

A Catholic Priest is feeling long overdue for a vacation.  So, he asks a
fellow priest at a church across town to fill in for him while he takes
off for a week.  His friend has no problem filling in at mass but is unable
to hear confessions.  So, the priest asks an Episcopal clergyman friend to
help out.  He is eager to help out but unfamiliar with the confessional.  The
priest assures him there's nothing to it.  He leaves him a list of sins and
their punishments.  At first, the Episcopalian makes out fine hearing
confessions.  He listens to the confession, looks up the sin on the list,
and assigns the appropriate punishment.  Then, a woman confesses that she
has had anal sex.  This particular sin isn't listed.  In a panic, the
man rushes out of the confessional looking for help.  He finds an altar boy
and says "You've got to help me, what do you get for anal sex?"  The altar
boy answers "Three candy bars and a soda."

----
Credit goes to the JOKEMASTER, (not me, a Catholic)
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Date:         Thu, 7 Oct 1993 11:35:16 CST
From:         Weasel <JEFF@CODVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      Sexist Q&A

Q. Why do women have belly buttons?
A. It's a handy place to keep the tartar sauce.
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Date:         Thu, 7 Oct 1993 13:29:58 EDT
From:         MR WALTER R FITZPATRICK JR <KGGG30A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject:      Concert cond.

Steve Schwartz writes about unacceptable conduct at a concert.
To this you can add my personal experience at an Opera performance on a
Sat.night in N.O. at which,during the quieter moments,could be clearly
heard the play-by-play of the L.S.U.football game on someone's pocket
portable.
     Walter Fitzpatrick
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Date:         Thu, 7 Oct 1993 11:48:54 -0600
From:         Chester Hodges <CHESTER@OJC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      Religous Golf

One day three people were playing golf.  The first person up to the tee was
Jesus.  He steps up to the tee, lines up his shot, and hits ball as hard as he
can.  It's not to good of a shot.  It ends up on a lilly pad in the water
hazered.  Jesus says, No problem, and walks out on the water, and nocks the
ball right in the hole.  The next person up is Mosses.  He steps up to the
tee,
and lines up his shot.  He hits the ball with all that he's got.  His ball
winds up in the same place that Jesus's did.  Only he's not so lucky, his ball
sinks to the bottom.  Mosses says not a problem.  He divides the water, hits
the ball, and sure enough it goes right in the whole.  Well now the third
person walks up to the tee.  Now this guy is a really terrable golfer, the
only
reason that he even goes out is to be with his friends.  Anyway, he lines up
his shot, and lets it fly.  It's a really wild shot, I mean it's bouncing off
of trees and everything.  Well right when everyone thinks that the ball is
going to be lost, an eagle comes along and snatches the ball out of mid-air
and
dropes it right in the hole.  Mosses looks at Jesus and says, "I really hate
it
when your dad play's with us!"
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Date:         Thu, 7 Oct 1993 14:51:07 -0400
From:         Mike Shockley <MSHOCKLE@DREW.BITNET>
Subject:      limmerick

There once was a man from KcKiney
Who was so, so very tiny.
While on his way home,
He sat on a bone
And a dog bit off his little hiny.

I actually made this one up myself!!  :)
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Date:         Thu, 7 Oct 1993 14:56:00 EDT
From:         Musat, Bob <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject:      computer dictionary - part 7 of 9

 - - - - - - - - -
COMPUTER DICTIONARY
By Phillip M Chow and Kenneth P Coles

PRIME NUMBERS:  Tender, juicy numbers used only in the most expensive
computers.
PROGRAMMER:  A person who thinks he knows how to talk to a computer.  A
person who REALLY knows how to talk to a computer is known as a fruitcake.
PROTECTED DATA:  Definition withheld.
REAL NUMBERS:  What you wish your computer would use instead of all this
phony binary/hex stuff.
RECURSION:  See RECURSION.
REDUNDANCY:  KKeeyybboouunnccee..
REGISTER:  Never found in a Radio Shack store.
RESET:  Another way to end a four hour sort.
RIBBON:  What your spouse gives you every time your friends ask you about
your computer.
RND:  Short for 'Random Number Generator', a computer command for
calculating checkbook balances, income tax, rent, phone bills, etc.
ROM:  Built on seven hills, all roads lead to it.
RS232:  R2-D2's father.
RT:  Remote Terminal;  What the programmer considers his spouse.
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Date:         Thu, 7 Oct 1993 14:01:20 -0600
From:         NAME <ECLEMENT@ADMIN2.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      A few more elephants

How can you tell when an elephant is getting ready to charge?
He takes out his Diner's Club card.

How do  you housebreak an elephant?
You get 14 copies of the New York Times -- Sunday edition.

What did the elephant say when he got caught in the revolving door?
If this place wants to do much business with elephants, they better
  get bigger revolving doors.

What do you do when an elephant sneezes?
Get out of the way!

What does a bald elephant elephant wear for a toupee?
A sheep.

What did the banana say to the elephant?
Nothing.  Bananas can't talk.

Why do the elephants make fun of Tarzan?
They think his nose is funny.

Why don't elephants watch reruns on television?
They didn't like it the first time.

Why do elephants live in the jungle?
Because it's out of the high rent district.

What did the elephant say to the maharajah?
Get off my back!
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Date:         Thu, 7 Oct 1993 15:28:00 CDT
From:         THE UNICORN <S_YECK@TWU.BITNET>
Subject:      signs & a polish joke

    This came from a list I'm on:

    Sign on Dade County tollbooth: Welcome to Miami! STOP -- GET GUN.

    This came from a coworker who showed me a picture of it:

    Sign in Oklahoma on highway says, " Beware.  Hitchikers may be escaping
    convicts."

    Polish joke:

    How did the polish man commmit suicide?
    He jumped off the basement floor!!
     (hee, hee, I like this one!)

--Meshel
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Date:         Thu, 7 Oct 1993 13:34:47 PDT
From:         hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  2.L  -  A collection of clean humor gather: 11 Dec 87

----------------------------------------------------

Dorothy Parker had the most amusing witt, here's a few of em.
     At a party, a snobbish gentleman is trying to impress her. "I just
can't bear fools" he says.  To this comes an instant reply "Obviously
your mother did".
     A reporter is pestering her at a party.  Reporter: "Have you ever
had your ears pierced"  Dorothy Parker: "No, but I've often had them bored"
     It had been said that Dorothy Parker could make a pun based upon
ANY word.  A gentleman challanged her to make a pun using the word
"horticulture"; she promptly replied:  "You can lead a horticulture,
but you can't make her think."
     The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
     The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque
Enclosed."
     And of course the famous:
        Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

----------------------------------------------------

    One Pole: Are the Russians our friends or our brothers?
    Second Pole: I give up.
    First Pole: Our brothers - you get to choose your friends.

    Why is Communism like flying in an aeroplane?
    You see the glorious horizon approaching but the longer you fly,
    the less the glorious horizon seems to approach, you feel sick,
    and you can't get out.

    Small boy:    They were telling us at school about the difference
        between Socialism and Communism.   How will we know when
        Socialism has been achieved, and we are in the state of
        true Communism.
    Mother:        When every family has a private plane.
    Small buy:    Wow!   And what will we use ours for?
    Mother:        I was thinking if flying down to Kiev to see if
        they have any butter this week.

     A man in Russia gets a ticket allowing him to buy a car.  He sits down
with the car dealer and picks out the basic car and then a few options.
The car dealer says the car will be ready in ten years.  The man wants to
know if it will be ready in the morning or the afternoon.  The car dealer
is a bit surprised, "Why do you care?  It's ten years away."  "Well the
plumber
is coming in the morning."

----------------------------------------------------

        Syadov walks into the Moscow health clinic and asks to see an
ear-and-eye doctor. The nurse explains to him that there isn't a specialist
in those two areas at the clinic, but tells him that they have an eye-doctor
AND an ear, nose, and throat man. She further goes on to suggest, after
seeing his rather vacant stare, that he see the ENT specialist, and, if that
doesn't work, why then he can go to the opthalmologist. So a month later
(Remember, the clinic is run by the Soviet bureacracy) he is shown to the
doc's office. The following dialogue ensues.
Doctor: So, tell me, Comrade Syadov. What seems to be the trouble?
Syadov: DOC! DOC! Ya GOTTA help me! I'm going crazy!
Doctor: Just calm down, and tell me your symptoms.
Syadov: Well, I..OK. I...I'll try. It's like my ears and my eyeballs aren't
connected to the same man. I can't see what I hear, and I can't hear
what I see!
At this, the doctor sighs, shakes his head, closes his notebook, and
prepares for his next patient. When Syadov asks what he's doing, he explains:
"Really, I'm very sorry, Comrade. But there's no known cure for Communism."
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Date:         Thu, 7 Oct 1993 16:32:00 EDT
From:         Rich.Carl <ADP3S@MSU.BITNET>
Subject:      The Trivia Grab Bag

Here's another set of humorous trivia culled from *The Santa Cruz Comic News*.
(Question to you Latin scholars: Are singular items of trivia called trivium?)

Among England's curious laws is one that prohibits old-clothes dealers from
selling an animal to a child.

Eight percent of the world's people are considered "extremely good looking."
Eight percent are also thought to be "ugly." That, according to studies of
how we appear to others.

Few know what Bertha Dlugi did. In 1959 it was, in Milwaukee. She patented a
bird diaper. For people who let their canaries fly around the house.

If you'd eaten lettuce in medieval Europe where people could see you do it,
they'd have thought you were nutty.

The name of Louis Pasteur has meant a lot to the milk industry. But milk
wasn't his first personal choice, evidently. He once said, "Wine is the most
healthful and most hygenic of all beverages."

Q. Who first came up with chicken-fried steak?
A. Some Texas cowboys, research reveals. More than a century ago.

How many work days do you have left before you retire? If typical, you'll
spend about 10,000 days on the job overall. So you can count how many you've
already put in, and figure it out.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * End of Trivia * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

For subscription information relating to The Santa Cruz Comic News, email me
privately at:  adp3s@msu.edu
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Date:         Thu, 7 Oct 1993 17:02:15 EDT
From:         John Chick <JCHICK@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject:      Re: (RUMMELH@USCN) fat people humor <commentary>

I have had some recent experience regarding commentary on fat (or as I prefer,
circumferentialy challenged) people.  My 1973 thunderbird kicked the bucket
last spring forcing me to start riding a bike.  Since that time I have had
three comments shouted at me as I was riding.  All three were made by young
women (men normally just yell, trying to startle you and make you fall).  I
relay these comments, not as a complaint, but simply because they are in their
way humorous.
      Comment 1. "Pedal your bike chubby"
      Comment 2. "Give up, nothing will ever help you"
      Comment 3. A car carrying two female passengers pulled along side me,
                 after a moment, one of the women simply said "He's fat."

I find these comments somewhat surprising in that I don't consider myself THAT
fat.  Certainly I am not slim by any definition, but I am not grossly obese
either.  Should I get depressed, kill people, commit suicide?  Nah, fuck that,
I think I'll just order a pizza.
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Date:         Thu, 7 Oct 1993 18:31:36 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Real truth; relative truth <Mulla>

This is one of my five favorite Mulla stories. At this end of the story
I have reposted my explanation of Mulla Nasrudin.

RELATIVE TRUTH AND REAL TRUTH

     One day Nasrudin was sitting at court.  The King was
complaining that his subjects were untruthful.  "Majesty," said
Nasrudin, "there is truth and truth.  People must practice real
truth before they can use relative truth.  They always try the
other way around.  the result is that they take liberties with
their man-made truth, because they know instinctively that it is
only an invention."

     When the city gates were opened the next morning, a gallows
had been erected in the plaza, presided over by the captain of the
royal guard.  A herald announced:  "Whoever would enter the city
must first answer the truth to a question which will be put to him
by the captain of the guard."

     Nasrudin, who had been waiting outside, stepped forward first.


     The captain spoke: "Where are you going?  Tell the truth, the
alternative is death by hanging."

     "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on those gallows."


     "I don't believe you!"

     "Very well, then.  If I have told a lie, hang me!"

     "But that would make it the truth!"

     "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."


Note about Mulla tales: The Mulla Nasrudin is a Sufi character
whose origins predates Islam in his homeland of Persia (modern
Iran). Nasrudin is an eternal sophomore. Mulla is a religious
title which implies the person is a teacher, leader, and even a
magistrate. The anecdotes which I post to HUMOR frequnetly see
the Mulla playing a simpleton, while other times he is the
teacher enduring the ignorant. These teaching-tales are not
jokes, but to those raised in the middle east or with Yiddish
humor there is something delightfully humorous in understanding
the lesson(s) of each anecdote. Mulla Nasrudin tales should be
understood as folklore. Many of the stories are ancient, most
have been modernized although there is the pretense that event
occurred in ancient times, and new Mulla Nasrudin stories are
recent inventions. Idries Shah's books (published by NY's
E.P.Dutton) are my source for most of these tales. I post these
tales in the hope that others may be stimulated to post humor
from other cultures.

----------------------------------------------------------------------- 34


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Date:         Thu, 7 Oct 1993 16:43:07 -0700
From:         Linda White <snowhite@ESKIMO.COM>
Subject:      Update - re Chain Letter

For those who have asked:

The person who sent me the joke chain letter reported that, during the two
days it took to get the joke on this list, a freak wind gust toppled a
large tree onto his storage shed.

A friend to whom I forwarded it said that as he was downloading it, his
computer flashed the error message "disk full" and froze.

So far, it didn't do the first person any good because of the time and
energy he's having to expend cleaning up the mess. Maybe he waited too
long before sending it on once he received it.

I suggested to the second person that he didn't even have to send it on
for the chain letter to work: with his computer down, he could spend more
time with his wife.


- Linda
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