Digest for Wednesday, October 06, 1993

There are 16 messages totalling 513 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Children, the dear sweet things
  2. computer dictionary - part 6
  3. Air Head (Formerly Dumb Blond) Jokes
  4. From the Daily Collegian
  5. Sexist Q&A
  6. dumb blonde
  7. re Andrew Dice Clay nursery rhymes:
  8. Even More Books (Insults Animals, Gays, Women, Contains Lewd Language, and is very childish in parts). Now will you read it?
  9. Re: Haunted House
  10. More on that "castrating" wife...
  11. Jesus joke (clean)
  12. Greasemanspeak - unbelievably gross and explicit material follows
  13. Halloween costume
  14. Satirical Chain Letter
  15. Sexist joke (clean)


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:         Wed, 6 Oct 1993 00:32:21 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Children, the dear sweet things <poem>

When the traffic on this list gets too heavy, and people are sending
private mail to the public list, remember it could be worse. I
thought of this poem when I was complaining about the heavy mail
yesterday:

CHILDREN WHEN THEY'RE VERY SWEET by John Ciardi

Children, when they're very sweet,
     Only bite and scratch and kick
A very little.  Just enough
     To show their parents they're not sick.

After all if children should
     (By some horrible mistake)
Be entirely good all day
     Every parent's heart would ache.

"Our little monsters must be ill:
     They're much to well behaved!
Call the doctor!  Do it quick!
     Maybe they can still be saved!

". . . Wait!  They're looking better now.
     Johnny just kicked Billy's shin!
Betty just bit Teddy's ear!
     Jane just stuck me with a pin!

"There!  The little dears are fit
     As sharks and crocodiles, you'll find.
No need for the doctor now:
     Get a stick and make them mind!"
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 6 Oct 1993 06:45:00 EDT
From:         Musat, Bob <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject:      computer dictionary - part 6

 - - - - - - - - -
COMPUTER DICTIONARY
By Phillip M Chow and Kenneth P Coles


MAINFRAME:  What the salesman said you were getting when you bought your
micro. Also see SIMULATOR.
MATH CHIP:  Piece of a broken abacus.
MINICOMPUTER:  Wife of Ottocomputer.
MODEM:  The new version of 'MODEL'.
MUX:  Short for multiplexer, a device which plexes multis. A device which
plexes cats is a purrplexer.
NIBBLE:  A small BYTE.
NORMALIZE:  What a spouse claims to be trying to do by cutting the power to
the computer.
PASSWORD:  The nonsense word written on a piece of paper and taped to the
CRT.
PERIPHERAL:  Your spouse since you bought your computer.
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 6 Oct 1993 08:37:00 EDT
From: Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642 <D7AP002@TOA.TOWSON.EDU>
Subject:      Air Head (Formerly Dumb Blond) Jokes

Before I get to the humor, let me say a few words.

I have only been on this list for a few days and it is great. It is truly
great
to be part of a humor line that is not censored out the wazoo. I can get to
this one BBS through TELNET that has so many do's and don'ts that it totally
detracts from the humor. For example, no dumb blond jokes, lawyer jokes, light
bulb jokes, dead baby jokes, etc. are allowed to be entered. Before you can
put
any of these types on it has to be unique and you have to check the archives.
By the time you do all of this, the appeal of putting a joke on is gone. If
you
miss one in the archives and duplicate it, you get blasted by the moderator. I
hope this list never gets censored like that because the whole process is
completely outlandish. For those of you that want to poke around on the BBS I
just described, which is totally allowed, the TELNET address is
whip.isca.uiowa.edu. I encourage you to read the info screen on HUMOR.

Now for the jokes. Please note that these used to be dumb blond jokes. I have
substituted Air Head (AH) for dumb blond (DB). There are some jokes in which
DB
remains because the joke would not be funny without the reference. My
applogies
to all of you with blond hair because 90% of the blonds I know are smart
individuals.

What do you call 10 AHs lined up in a row, ear to ear? Wind tunnel.

What do you call 10 AHs in a circle? Dope ring.

What goes, "VAROOM...SCREECH...VAROOM...SCREECH..."? An AH at a flashing red
light.

How is an AH similar to a bottle of beer? They are both empty from the neck
up.

What does an AH use panties for? Ankle warmers.

How does an AH turn the light on after sex? Opens the car door.

What do you call the brunett between two DBs? Interpreter. (Sorry)

What are the letters TGIF for on an AH's shoes? Toes Go In First.

What do you have with an AH with $1.00 in her belt buckle? All you can eat for
under a buck.

With the recent rash of Bosnian jokes, I think some Iraquie jokes are also in
order.

Did you hear that Sadam Husein just joined the NBA? Yeah, he's the only one
that can shot over Jordan.

What is the most important part of an Iraquie tank? The back up lights.

What is the difference between an Iraquie tank and a vacuum cleaner? The
vacuum
cleaner only has one dirt bag inside.

The well's not quite dry yet. I'll save the other jokes I have for later;
so that you folks don't get tired of me, probably next week.

I would like to see some traveling salesman jokes.
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 6 Oct 1993 09:03:46 -0400
From:         SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET
Subject:      From the Daily Collegian

*Student Cited for Ticket Scalping*

A University student was cited late Monday at the 600 block of East College
Avenue for selling Penn State football tickets at a price greater than their
face value, police said. The student allegedly advertised the ticket sales
through University *electronic mail*. The advertisement was seen by University
Police Services, who alerted State College police. The tickets, which were
for the Penn State-Michigan game, have a face value of $10 and were being sold
for $120.
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 6 Oct 1993 08:45:50 CST
From:         Weasel <JEFF@CODVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      Sexist Q&A

Q. What's the difference between a woman yelling at you from the
   front porch and a dog barking at you from the back porch?
A. If you let the dog in, it'll SHUT UP.
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 6 Oct 1993 08:47:15 CDT
From:         STACY BICHELMEYER <SBICHELM@OZ.UMB.KSU.EDU>
Subject:      dumb blonde

What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she had acute
vaginitis?
"Thank you!"
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 6 Oct 1993 09:36:52 CDT
From:         Rachel Dvoretzky <RACHEL@RICEVM1.RICE.EDU>
Subject:      re Andrew Dice Clay nursery rhymes:

Old Mother Hubbard & her dog/bone rhyme is found in an old nasty R&B song
called "Stoop Down Baby (And Let Your Daddy See)", recorded by a number of
artists.  Funny song, with verses like "Two little girls, playing in the
sand.  One said to the other, I wish you were a man.  That one said Child, I
ain't no man, but stoop down baby and I'll do the best I can." ...etc.,etc.,
etc...
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 6 Oct 1993 16:10:56 MET-1
From:         Barad Csaba <BARAD@BTK.JPTE.HU>
Subject:      <No Subject Given>

Q: What is an over-sized, female, milk-producing animal feeding on
    grass?
A: Lawn-moo-er.
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 6 Oct 1993 16:06:06 +0100
From:         Alun Richards <A.Richards@STE0409.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject:      Even More Books (Insults Animals, Gays, Women, Contains Lewd Language, and is very childish in parts). Now will you read it?

         Big Animals - L E Fant
         Very Big Animals - Dinah Soare
         More Big Animals - G Raffe
         Even More Bloody Animals - C Lyons, Anne Teater, Art Vark

         Poor Dental Hygiene - Al E Tosis
         Common Ailments - Ivor Nastikov
         Heavy Drinking and its Results - Chuck N D Morning
         Why War isn't Easy - N M E D Fences

         My Body - Anne Atomy
         My Greatest Asset - Mike Hunt (See previous Humor listings)
         Rubberware and its Uses - D V Ant-Activity
         Sadomaochism - A T Lashes
         Homosexual Greetings - L O Sailor and R U Wuntoo
         The Gay Couple - Ben Dover and Phil McKrakken
         The Other Gay Couple - Patrick Fitzmichael and Michael Fitzpatrick
         Venereal Disease - Dick Hertz and I P Fire
         The Effect of Women on the Body - Art Ache & C Sure
         Freuds View of Women & Sexuality - P Ness Envy

         People You Wouldn't Employ - Ed Banger and Cy Coe
         Cheap Accommodation - C D Appartment
         Approaches to Data Architecture - N T T Modelling
         Interior Design - Walter Wallcarpeting
         The Bank Manager - Robin Bastard
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 6 Oct 1993 11:24:03 -0500
From:         Leo Anderson <KICKER@VAX1.BEMIDJI.MSUS.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Haunted House

When I was a kid one of the most heart-stopping things I ever saw in a haunted
house was a guy dressed up as "Jason" (from the movie Friday the 13th) jumped
out of a closet with a REAL chain-saw running.  There was also a strobe light
 inthe closet to add to the effect.  One important note: if you use this one,
 take
the cutting chain off of the chain-saw!!.

Another time I worked in haunted house for my uncle, I dressed up in the most
hideous mask that I could find with matching gloves.  I then sat in the attic
and when people walked under the hole leading to the attic, I would reach down
and scream at them.  Some of the reactions were great, people falling to their
knees and stuff like that.  A good thing to do if you can use this one is to
have something at the opposite end of the room that draws their attention to
it (a fake skeleton or something) so that they don't notice the attic hole.

The best scares are when you have the people attention distracted by something
"stupid" then popping something scary out from behind them.

I'll try to remeber more things that I have seen and send them, if you are
interested.

  |/
- |\icker
Kicker@vax1.bemidji.Msus.edu
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 6 Oct 1993 12:27:00 EST
From:         Theresa Muir <TFD@CUNYVMS1.BITNET>
Subject:      More on that "castrating" wife...

... that is if you can stand one more thought about that unfortunate
woman, who cut off her (also unfortunate) husband's penis.

A local radio personality (famous and vulgar, but not whom you think),
was wondering aloud how the police found the disembodied organ (after
the "surgery," the wife, in a panic, took the dismembered member with
her, drove around for awhile, and tossed out the car window).

"Did they have special penis-detecting equipment?" the radio guy
fulminated. "Did they have SPECIAL PENIS-SNIFFING DOGS???"

I thought, what's so special about a penis-sniffing dog? They all do
it.

Theresa Muir
Grad School of City U of New York
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 6 Oct 1993 13:46:31 EST
From:         HRGY000 <HRGY@MUSICB.MCGILL.CA>
Subject:      Jesus joke (clean)

The Day of Judgement has arrived.  Major disasters everywhere:
flood, fire, disease.  St. Peter has been at the Gates of Heaven
for three straight days, asking the millions of victims some very
basic questions.  Jesus comes along and sees that Peter is much too
tired to continue.
"Pete, take a break and I'll do this for a while".


So Jesus takes over and asks each potential resident their name,
occupation, and number of children, where applicable.

After a time, an old, feeble man appears before him.
"Your name sir?" asks Jesus
"I don't know" replies the man.
"Occupation?"
Again the old man replies that he doesn't recall.
"Number of children?"
"No clue" says the man.
Somewhat exasperated, Jesus starts anew.  "Your name really isn't that
important.  However, your occupation is.  Please concentrate sir; what
did you do for a living, how did you gain your livlihood?"
The old man, lost in thought, slowly starts to piece it together.
"Well" he says "I can recall working with my hands a lot.  In fact,
looking at the splinters in my palms, I'd have to say that I was a
carpenter"
"Excellent and honorable occupation sir.  Well done!  Now for the next
step:  How many, if any, children did you have?"
Once again the old man furrows his brow and tries desperately to
remember.  After a long while he says "I'm almost sure I had one child
and since I can't remember any dresses or dolls, I'm sure the child
was a boy.  And one more thing, this boy of mine was ostracized because
he had holes in his hands, his feet, and his sides".
Finally piecing the story together, Jesus jumps to his feet, the
ultimate realization of who he has encountered striking him like a bolt
of lightning.  With tears in his eyes, he yells "Father!!"
The old man, equally moved, rises and screams "Pinocchio!!"
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 6 Oct 1993 13:57:13 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      Greasemanspeak  - unbelievably gross and explicit material follows

One of the biggest eye-openers I got when I moved to the Washington, DC area
10 years ago was this certain disk jockey I found whilst searching for a good
progressive station on the FM dial. I found the progressive music, but I also
found one Doug Tracht, a/k/a "The Greaseman," on metal-rock station WWDC-FM in
Washington. Since Mr. Tracht is now carried nationwide out of Los Angeles, I
thought some of you might need a glossary to his huge and expressive...uh,
vocabulary. This is not an official dictionary so the words are not in alpha-
betical order, rather in order of importance.

Habadogee (n., hah-bah-duh-GHEE) - all purpose expression for sex or sexual
intercourse.

Gobbledogee (n.) - oral sex.

Hydraulics (n.) - penis. Usually used with 'the', as in "I whipped out the
hydraulics..."

Bombay doors (n., pl.t.) - anal sphincter. Also 'portal.'

shangri-la (n.) - orgasm, climax

ten-HUT! (excl.) - an erection.

fudgepacking (v.n.) - anal intercourse. "Fudgepacker" is a gay man. Also just
'packin'.

walk on the wild side - a gay sex encounter. Lou Reed immortalized this
expression, of course.

carpet-muncher - lesbian.

doodads (pl.n.) - testicles.

biscuit (n.) - female genitalia, vulva.

massive passive (n.) - a really good bowel movement. Or, just 'massive.'

cut a slice (v., intr.) - to have sexual intercourse. Synonyms: 'bottom-
knocking', 'zesty session.'

snarlin'-gnarlin' (n.) - fellatio.

go south with the mouth (n.) - cunnilingus. Also 'lap the gap,' 'feast the
yeast.'

whitecapping (v.n.) - a full bladder. Relieving this condition is known as
'making your bladder gladder.'

browncapping (v.n.) - when you have to go the john so bad you just barely
make it 'cause it's already pushing out and threatening to leave skid marks
on your Fruit-of-the-Looms.

I'm almost (ALMOST) embarrassed to sign my name to this s***!
Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
woodell@umuc.umd.edu
Yes, I spend a lot of time in the car with the radio on
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 6 Oct 1993 16:43:32 -0600
From:         Roger Drake <FAC_DRAKE@WSC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      Halloween costume

        My favorite halloween costume was someone dressed up as the Pope,
wearing a sign: POPE JOHN PAUL george and ringo.
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 6 Oct 1993 16:11:41 -0700
From:         Linda White <snowhite@ESKIMO.COM>
Subject:      Satirical Chain Letter

Note: I tried to send this less two days ago. Will the fickle fingers of
fate PLEASE let it through this time? I don't want to let my friend down!
 A friend just sent this to me. Of course it's a joke,but...well....

Original:

 This paper has been sent to you for good luck.
The original has been worn out from having passed
through the hands of so many people.  It had
travelled around the world 70 times
[Dear Reader: please help keep this count current.
If this letter falls into your hands after just completing
one more circuit of the world, please add one to the count.]
The luck has now been sent to you.  You will experience great sex
within four days of receiving this letter, provided you
send it on! Since the copy must tour the world, you must
make twenty copies and send them to others.

This is no joke.  Send no money.

Send copies to people who need to get laid within 96 hours.

After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control
Officer got his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine
and had the longest series of ograsms of his life.

John Elliot tried to pick up a prositute, but, because he
broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead.
When they searched his home, they found magazines of
little boys which they showed to his neighbours.

In a suburb of Paris, Don Loray's trousers were ripped by an
unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing to circulate
the letter.  However, before this happened, a condom machine
gave him three condoms for the price of one.
(was this the consolation prize?)

Do note the following:

Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953.
He asked his secretary to make twenty copies and send
them out.  A few days later he encountered her in a
red-light district making more than he had
every paid her at work.
 General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw
what he thought was a quarter in the street.
When he bent down to pick it up, a beautiful woman in a
miniskirt walked by, and he got a great view.
His aide, Colonel ger Bumswiver, who did not pass on
the letter, tried to pick up a similar object but was
fucked up the ass by a desperate gay when he bent over.

Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the
letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within
96 hours. His wife then went bowling with his best friend
and never returned. Later, after finding the letter again,
he mailed twenty copies.  A few days later he got
a wife and discovered that his old wife, who he thought was
wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon
for all these years!

Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not believing,
threw the letter away.  Nine days later he spilled hot
coffee in his crotch.

In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas
was faded and barely readable, so she did not realize
that this paragraph applied to her.  She promised herself
she would retype the letter and send it on, but she put it
aside to do later.  She was plagued with problems including
herpes and other venereal diseases she contracted in her
futile attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar.
The letter did not leave her hands in 96 hours.  She finally
typed the letter and found a man with a 10-inch penis.

You must distribute at least twenty copies within 96 hours
of receiving this letter.  Those who do will find their love
lives more fulfilling.

Those who do not will be doomed to one-night stands with
mechanical devices.

-----------end of message------------

 - Linda
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:         Wed, 6 Oct 1993 09:42:28 EDT
From:         William A. Reitwiesner <wrei@SEQ1.LOC.GOV>
Subject:      Sexist joke (clean)

Q:  Why don't women get ulcers?
A:  They're carriers!
==========

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index