Digest for Tuesday, October 05, 1993

There are 29 messages totalling 621 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. Re: Dave Barry plus some uk observations
  2. Another elephant joke...kinda gross
  3. Bosnian Humor
  4. Sexist Q&A
  5. Re: Andrew Dice Clays Nursery Rhymes
  6. Andrew Dice Clays Nursery Rhymes
  7. computer dictionary - part 5 of 9
  8. Some more clean elephants...
  9. MORE BOSNIAN HUMOR
  10. Re: Book Jokes
  11. Re: Haunted House... (may be religiously offensive)
  12. Crazy Halloween Costume
  13. Halloween costumes
  14. Canadian Waco humor
  15. Spell Checker
  16. The Other Spell Checker Poem
  17. Clean Elephant Joke
  18. Truman Humor
  19. crude language
  20. Halloween
  21. More books (insulting to anyone with intelligence)
  22. Slightly risque librarian poetry
  23. Caveman joke - VERY SEXIST!!!
  24. Halloween costume idea
  25. offensive to men (hopefully)
  26. halloween costumes
  27. Re: Peacekeepertoilet wont flush if seats up
  28. Fat people humor
  29. Political joke (clean)


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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 09:54:23 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK>
Subject:      Re: Dave Barry plus some uk observations <language>

Love the "weasel spit" :-) In England, weak beer (or tea) is often
described as "gnat's piss".

The story about it taking 6 people to change a light bulb in the
uk National Health Service may have to be modified in the light
of yet further government spending cuts: add a 7th person
to go out on the streets and beg the money to buy the sodding
light bulb in the first place!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
In a gentler vein, from the magazine 'The Countryman": Two villagers
gossiping about a third: "Oh no, 'e can't be from round 'ere;
'e got nobody in the churchyard".
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 10:13:05 +0100
From:         Alun Richards <A.Richards@STE0409.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject:      Another elephant joke...kinda gross

You forgot the follow-up:

Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A: Because sheep don't have string attached.
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 08:08:26 -0400
From:         John Vogel <JVOGEL@HQ.NASA.GOV>
Subject:      Bosnian Humor

National Public Radio sent Scott Simon to Bosnia to cover the war.  He did one
piece on humor in Bosnia, much of which is black humor.  Here are the one's I
remember.

        Cigarettes are in very short supply.  A man had put the unsmoked half
of his cigarette over his ear.  He was running between buildings with a friend
when a sniper opened up on them.  He was hit a glancing blow which sheared off
his ear.  He stopped frantically in the middle of the street looking at the
ground.  His friend yelled,"Get under cover, you fool.  You've got two ears."
He replied, It's not the ear that is in question, it is the cigarette."

        A man was in one of the long queues for water when he broke wind.  The
woman standing behind him put a stern hand on his shoulder, turned him around
and demanded, "Where did you get beans?"

        The line going about now is that if Jesus were to appear in Sarajevo,
carrying his cross, people would come out from hiding to approach him, asking,
"Where did you get all that wood?"

        Humor survives.
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 07:45:09 CST
From:         Weasel <JEFF@CODVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      Sexist Q&A

Dawn Shotts wrote :
>How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?  They stuck a plunger in the
>toilet bowl.
No wonder she liked to misbehave so often ...

Q. Why don't a woman's internal organs fall out of her vagina?
A. The vacuum in her head keeps them in.
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 09:01:18 -0400
From:         TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU
Subject:      Re: Andrew Dice Clay's Nursery Rhymes

Here is a correction to the post

>
>Old Mother Hubbard, went to her cupboard, to get her old dog a bone;
>She bent over and got a bone of her own.

 She bent over and ROVER took over and got a bone of her own.
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 08:30:06 EDT
From:         Ron Chibnik <chibnik@REACH.COM>
Subject:      Andrew Dice Clay's Nursery Rhymes

Old Mother Hubbard, went to her cupboard, to get her old dog a bone;
But when she bent over, Rover took over, and she got a bone of her
own!
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 09:40:00 EDT
From:         Musat, Bob <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject:      computer dictionary - part 5 of 9

 - - - - - - - - -
COMPUTER DICTIONARY
By Phillip M Chow and Kenneth P Coles

IBM:  Incredibly Big Machine.
INTERFACE:  The look on the face of the computer salesperson as you walk
away with a machine you'll never know how to use.
ITERATE:  A healthy illiterate.
KEYBOARD:  The most important part of a computer.  Resembling a typewriter,
the keyboard is used for entering errors into a computer.
KEYPUNCH:  The one which won the fight.
KEYWORDS:  All the words left out of your computer.
LANGUAGE:  A system of organizing and defining syntax errors.
LIFO:  What a programmer loses when he blows his STACK.
LOOKUP TABLE:  Crib sheet for computers.
LOOP, ENDLESS:  See ENDLESS LOOP.
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 08:48:36 -0600
From:         NAME <ECLEMENT@ADMIN2.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Some more clean elephants...

What did General deGaulle say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
Voila les elephants over the hill.

What did the elephants say to General deGaulle?
Nothing.  Elephants don't speak French.

Why don't elephants ride busses during rush hour?
They're afraid of pickpockets.

What does an elephant smell like before it takes a shower?
An elephant.

And after?  a wet elephant.

How do elephants see at night?
Not very well-- unless they take off their dark glasses.

How does an elephant get out of a phone booth?
Same way he got in.

What did the nearsighted elephant say when he saw the tank?  Hi pop.

How do you get an elephant out of a tub of jello?
Follow the directions on the back of the box.

If you're colorblind how do you tell an elephant from a grape?
Jump around on it for awhile.  If you don't get wine, it's an elephant!
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 09:10:01 -0400
From:         tharp.david@EHCCGATE.SANDOZ.COM
Subject:      MORE BOSNIAN HUMOR

Another Bosnian joke I recall:
A man enters the confessional and declares, "Father, I have sinned."
"Yes, my son...."
"Last Night, I made love to a chicken."
"Where did you get the CHICKEN??!!"
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 11:13:52 -0400
From:         John Hengemihle <markc%vax.dnet@DXI.NIH.GOV>
Subject:      Re: Book Jokes

  "Forty Days in the Saddle" by Major Assburn
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 11:40:15 EDT
From:         Larry Kyrala <larry_kyrala@VNET.IBM.COM>
Subject:      Re: Haunted House... (may be religiously offensive)

I have an idea!

You walk around a room divided into sections with dark sheets...
low candles are positioned in odd places, behind strange shapes,
casting erie shadows on the wall...

You stumble through... your heart racing...

Then you see it...

                     JERRY FALWELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:-.

(it's ok, it's just pretend...)

(:-.       3-i   ::pwhew!::    :-)

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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 11:21:51 -0500
From:         marvo@WUCHEM.WUSTL.EDU
Subject:      Crazy Halloween Costume

It's a costume for a man.  He starts out wearing nothing - naked.  On his
male member he fits a suitably sized potato with a hole bored in it to fit
his anatomy.  Then off to the party!  When someone asks about his costume,
he tells them he's a dictator (i.e., dick-tater).
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 12:59:35 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject:      Halloween costumes

This is forwarded to HUMOR courtesy of the writer, me, who was asked the
question over on CRAFTS-L (listserv@bigvax.alfred.edu if anyone here cares
to subscribe):

Alas, so far I have not been invited to any Halloween parties. Here are some
of the more outrageous costumes I have made for myself (one of them is sex-
ually explicit so if it offends you delete or pagedown now):

1978 - went as a Conehead from Saturday Night Live. Materials I used: one
of those rubber skinheads you can buy from the costume/theatrical store;
a balloon; a piece of posterboard; greasepaint (black and white); papier-
mache'; white spray paint; a 1yd length of white leatherette or vinyl;
a 1yd length of silver cording; masking tape.
I formed the posterboard into an open-tipped cone, blew up the balloon and
inserted it into the open tip to form a rounded cone. Papier-mache'd that
over like a pin~ata and painted it all white after it was smooth and dry.
Put the rubber skinhead on to cover my hair and glued it down with gum arabic.
Taped it to my head with the masking tape and went over my whole face with
the white greasepaint. Used the black for brow emphasis (the Conehead family
always struck me as having such bold eyebrows). The vinyl and cording were
used to sew a collar. Big hit at the party I went to. Drawback: Greasepaint
makes glasses slide off. I had an outside shot at prize for best costume
(until Jerome Ladley showed up as the Hunchback of Notre Dame (8-( and
Brian King showed up as the universe--wired his head up so it was the sun
and all the planets revolved around his head. How can you beat the universe?)
1980 - the obscene one - I went as a penis. Sorry guys who might be offended.
It was a political statement I wanted to make. Materials needed: rubber
skinhead; red and blue greasepaint; theatrical nose putty (and optional but
needed for verisimilitude: a rubber squeeze bulb; 1yd or so rubber tubing;
tape; milk; cornstarch).
Obviously the rubber skinhead was left over from '78 and I wanted to use it.
Put the skinhead on, using the gum arabic if necessary to make it stick, and
paint the entire head red with the greasepaint. Use the nose putty to make
veins. (Nose putty is a flesh-colored clay used to simulate warts, etc. on
stage.) Put the veins down the front of your body and smear with the blue
greasepaint. >>ugh ugh!<< I wore a red sweater for that party. The rubber
stuff is needed to simulate an orgasm. (Hang in here, it'll be over soon)
Cook the milk and cornstarch together until slightly thickened. Use some
of the milk mixture to fill the squeeze bulb. Attach one end of the rubber
tubing to the bulb, run it inside your sleeve and up your arm to the top
of the rubber skinhead. The other end of the tube can emerge through a
hole you've cut in the skinhead. I palmed the bulb and was able to, uh,
perform on demand, until the milk ran out.
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 12:58:40 EST
From:         HRGY000 <HRGY@MUSICB.MCGILL.CA>
Subject:      Canadian Waco humor

Even though it happened in Texas, us Canadians get into it as well:
(sorry if it's old news)

What do you get if you cross Jeffery Dahmer and David Koresh?

Brunch Davidians...
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 13:27:33 -0400
From:         TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU
Subject:      Spell Checker

                     Outfoxing the Spelling Checker
                     =========

They're know miss steaks in this newsletter cause we used special soft
wear witch checks yore spelling.  It is mower or lass a weigh too
verify.  How ever is can knot correct arrows inn punctuation ore usage:
an it will not fined words witch are miss used butt spelled rite.  Four
example; a paragraph could have mini flaws but wood bee past by the
spell checker.  And it wont catch the sentence fragment which you.
Their fore, the massage is that proofreading is knot eliminated, it is
still berry much reek wired.

(Reprinted with no permission at all from the NUMAC Newsletter, who got
it from "Interface" (vol20, no7) published by the University of
California, Santa Cruz.)

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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 13:32:18 EST
From:         ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center <ADKO@NMUMUS.BITNET>
Subject:      The Other Spell Checker Poem

The other "Spell Checker" poem recently seen on the list:

I have a spelling checker
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it
I'm sure your pleased too no
It's letter perfect in it's weigh
My checker tolled me sew.
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 12:45:24 EST
From:         BFRANKS <bfranks@CCMAILER.AUX.GASOU.EDU>
Subject:      Clean Elephant Joke

Q:  What is the brown gunk between an elephant's toes?
A:  Slow Natives.
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 11:57:31 MST
From:         Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject:      Truman Humor

President Truman was visiting an Indian reservation.  He said,
"If you elect me, there will be a chicken in every pot."

The Indians all yelled "HOGAR!"

"And, if you elect me, you will each be given a blanket."

And the Indians all yelled "HOGAR!"

And if you elect me, you will each get more money from Washington.

And the Indians all yelled hogar.

"Boy," Harry thought, "I really impressed those Indians.  They
really love me."

Later, as President Truman and the Chief were walking through the
pasture and came upon a cow pod, the chief said, "Watch out and
don't step in that HOGAR."
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 13:35:36 CDT
From:         STACY BICHELMEYER <SBICHELM@OZ.UMB.KSU.EDU>
Subject:      crude language

    A cowboy went into a bar and saw a beautiful woman.  He
immediately started buying her drinks.  After a few drinks, he
finally got up enough nerve to ask her for a date.
    "No, thanks."  She replied.  "I'm a lesbian."
    "Huh?"  said the cowboy  "Whats a lesbian?"
    "It means I like to suck tit and eat pussy."

    The cowboy left and sat at a table in a corner, scratching his
head and looking extremely confused.  Pretty soon, a woman sat down
beside him.  Nervous, and at a loss for words, she said  "I'm an
aquarius.  What are you?"
    "Wuhl, I thought I wus a cowboy, but I guess I'm a lesbian!"
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 14:48:12 EDT
From:         Se Lareow Patricius <PCONNER@WVNVM.BITNET>
Subject:      Halloween

A friend of mine suggested that every one of us should dress up as a
squid... imagine... thi spod of squid walking down the street...
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 17:02:29 +0100
From:         Alun Richards <A.Richards@STE0409.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject:      More books (insulting to anyone with intelligence)

         The Stained Glass Window - U Flung Mudd
         How to Get Around - Otto Mobile
         My New Glasses - Seymore Clearly
         The Hungry Horse - M T GeeGee
         Crap on the Road - G G Dunnit
         The Modern Brasiere - T T Holder
         The Peeping Tom - Ivor Stiffie
         Interesting Mammals - Anne Teater (see previous humor listings)
         Arty Photography - C P A Tinting
         (and Sepia Tinting by Arty Photography)
         The Dangerous River - Eddie Currents
         Marine Flora - C Weed
         My Life as a Robot - Cy Borg
         The Loose Woman - E Z Laye

         A Thump in the Bollocks - Major Eyeswater
         I Trapped my Penis in a Vice - General Accident
         Your Physiology - Private Parts
         Soiled Bedlinen - Seaman Staines

         The Unfortunate Person - R Sole (see previous humor listings)
         Mental Dysfunction - Ed Case
         Modern Impressionism - R T Fucker
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 15:48:00 EST
From:         Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858 <KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU>
Subject:      Slightly risque librarian poetry

THE BOLD LIBRARIAN by Joy Rutherford

Oh, some, they like the sailor man
When he comes back to shore,
And some they like the beggar man
That begs from door to door,
And some, they like the soldier man
With his musket and his can,
But my delight can read and write,
He's the bold librarian.

Now, this librarian, he rode out all in the dewy morn,
And he met with the farmer's daughter, and loudly he blew his horn.
"Come in, my bold librarian, and I'll make thee a pot of tea.
Me father and mother have gone to town, and there's no one here
   but me."

"I have a book for your mother, dear, called, 'Love that dare not
   speak,'
And another for your father called 'Gunfighters of Mustang Creek,'
But nothing I have for you, my dear," this librarian did say,
"But anything you shall request, you should have it right away."

"Ooo," said the farmer's daughter, and she glowed all over with fire.
"Is it true you can bring your readers anything they desire?"
"Oh, yes," said the bold librarian.  "oh, yes, indeed I will.
Take me up to your chamber, and I'll show you my...professional skill."

So they went upstairs together, and they laid down on the bed,
And he faceted her in every detail from 'A' unto 'Zed',
'Til he couldn't classify her under "Maidens" anymore.
He said, "Such dynamic service you've never had before."

Now this librarian, he arose, and he put on all his clothes,
And out of his pocket he drew handfuls of gold,
Saying, "Take this, my dearest Polly, for thee and thy baby.
It really belongs to the Book Fund, but I'll give it all to thee."

"Oh come, my bold librarian, and won't you marry me?"
"Oh no, my dearest Polly, such things can never be.
For married I am already to a quiet little thing.
I've a first and second edition, and a third coming out in spring."

"But dost tha truly love me?" the farmer's daughter said.
"What d'you mean?" said the librarian.  "Just because we've been to bed?"
In my most high profession, love and sex cannot combine,
Because SEX is 612.6 and Love, which I classify under Virtues Not Otherwise
   Accounted For, is 179.9.

Come all you pretty fair maids, this warning you must heed;
You must marry some simple ploughboy who can neither write nor read.
For he may be poor and humble, but he'll love you the best he can.
And have naught to do with that roving blade who drives the library van.

***
Shirl
kenneds@firnvx.firn.edu
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 14:08:31 PDT
From:         Wayne Torman <wayneto@MICROSOFT.COM>
Subject:      Caveman joke - VERY SEXIST!!!

Q: Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?
A:  Because if they dragged them by their feet they filled up with
dirt!!
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 20:26:38 -0600
From:         Allecia Powell <APOWELL@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Halloween costume idea

Someone told one time about a guy who came to a Halloween party wearing
nothing but a diaper.  He had a board strapped to his back and a fake stake
through his chest with lots of fake blood around the stake.  When asked what
he was supposed to be, he said "baby on board."
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 22:18:38 EDT
From:         Debra Ortiz <ORTIZ@DCSMSERVER.MED.SCAROLINA.EDU>
Subject:      offensive to men (hopefully)

        #1

        What is the one thing the government will never tax?
        The penis.  90% of the time it is out of work.  10% of
        the time it's in the hole and its two dependents are nuts.

        #2

        Why do men name their penis?
        because they can't stand the thought of being controlled by a
        complete stranger.
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 22:39:21 EDT
From:         Debra Ortiz <ORTIZ@DCSMSERVER.MED.SCAROLINA.EDU>
Subject:      halloween costumes

    when I was an undergraduate, three of my friends and I went to
    a halloween party dressed thusly--we put white sheets over
    ourselves, tied a piece of white rope around our waists and let
    the ropes hang down past our feet.  we had on white pantyhose
    and white shoes.  We found an empty cardboard refrigerator
    box and painted it pink--we labelled it PLAYTEX and went
    as tampons.
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 23:08:04 -0400
From:         Charlotte Haas <chaas@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      Re: 'Peacekeeper'toilet won't flush if seat's up


On Sat, 2 Oct 1993, Ian Chai wrote:

> I read in UPI that America's biggest plumbing maker is marketing a
> product that could save countless marriages. It's called the
> ``Peacekeeper'' -- a toilet that won't flush unless the seat is
> down.

It may keep the peace in some northern households, but here in
southern Bubba-land it will only create more problems.  The guy's will
just stop flushing!

- Stuck in Georgia
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 22:10:21 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Fat people humor <commentary>

From Jennifer A. Coleman's article discrimination against "overweight people,"
Newsweek, 2 August 1993

   There simply are some things that fat people must never do. Like: riding a
bike ("Hey, lady, where's the seat?"), eating in a public place ("No dessert
for me, I don't want to look like her"). And the most unforgivable crime:
wearing a bathing suit in public ("Whale on the beach!")

   I know a lot about prejudice, even though I am a white, middle-class,
professional woman. The worst discrimination I have suffered because of my
gender is nothing compared to what I experience daily because of my weight. I
am sick of it. The jokes and attitudes are as wrong and damaging as any racial
or ethnic slur. The passive acceptance of this inexcusable behavior is
sometimes worse than the initial assault. Some offensive remarks can be
excused as the shortcomings of jackasses. But the tacit acceptance of their
conduct by mainstream America tells the fat person that the intolerance is
understandable and acceptable. Well it isn't.

My comment:  Get a life Jennifer. Subscribe to HUMOR. People tell jokes
about everybody. Fat, skinny, musclebound, tall, short, young, old, male,
female, any ethnic group available and on and on and on. Hey, a lot of
the humor is cruel, sick, rude, crude, gross, tasteless, offensive,
bigoted .... but they're jokes. We laugh at our worst characteristics....

Obligatory humor:

Doctor: "Well, I'm sorry to say, you've got six week to live."

Ugly rich boy: "I want a second opinion."

Doctor: "You want a second opinion? Okay, you're fat, too."

P.S.--Jennifer is a lawyer. Can you believe that?
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Date:         Tue, 5 Oct 1993 16:53:32 EDT
From:         William A. Reitwiesner <wrei@SEQ1.LOC.GOV>
Subject:      Political joke (clean)

Bill Clinton was walking a German shepherd on the fromt lawn of the White
House when an excited Secret Service agent rushed up and said, "Mr.
President, what are you doing standing here all alone?"  "I'm OK," replied
the president, I just got this German shepherd for Hillary."  At which
point the Secret Service agent remarked, "Nice trade, sir."
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