Digest for Monday, October 04, 1993

There are 33 messages totalling 925 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. very crude rated r
  2. Some Aussie Humor
  3. Re: thoughts on lawyers
  4. SOUTH-MAY-BE-OFFENSIVE
  5. computer dictionary - part 4 of 9
  6. Lazarus
  7. Joke, rated G maybe a little stereo-typical and
  8. Book Jokes
  9. Eves apple
  10. rated pg
  11. Sexist Q&A
  12. "YOU" MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... (remainder)
  13. Parachute joke
  14. Limerick, clean
  15. Answers to "More of the Phrase Game"
  16. Dave Barry observations
  17. Re: Book Jokes
  18. Re: Sexist Q&A
  19. How to hunt Elephants!!
  20. Andrew Dice Clays Nursery Rhymes
  21. Home from the Honeymoon (sexual content)
  22. limerick
  23. Questions?
  24. Re: Andrew Dice Clays Nursery Rhymes
  25. More Cow Humor
  26. MORE Andrew Dice Clay Poetry
  27. Limerick: just barely past G
  28. Another elephant joke...kinda disgusting.
  29. Re: Limerick, clean
  30. Native American joke
  31. wedding night nervousness
  32. Life 2.K - A collection of clean humor gather on7 Dec 87
  33. Political joke (clean)


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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 10:19:54 GMT+10
From:         BARREL <BRETTDEV@ASGARD.CLARE.TASED.EDU.AU>
Subject:      very crude rated r

here's a little lymeric for ya trend setters

there was a young man with a hat
who cracked a gynormus great fat
stuck it up his mates bum
and decided to cum
and spurt it all over his back

i hope it didn't offend but my mates thought it was good

                                              barrel
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 15:24:37 GMT+10
From:         Brent Pocock <BRENTPOC@ASGARD.CLARE.TASED.EDU.AU>
Subject:      Some Aussie Humor

Q. Why Do Aussie Arobic Instructors Where leotards when doing the splits?
A. So They Dont Stick To The Floor!
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 03:10:43 CDT
From: Mike Boswell Mfg 4-6881 ~BHOSVWZ#097 <boswell@TIDALWAVE.MED.GE.COM>
Subject:      Re: thoughts on lawyers

Reply to Mike Weinstein-thoughts on lawyers.
Mike;
Spoken as a True Lawyer, but please dont hit those trees as you walk
thru the forest of life, you can't sue God. Mike B.
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 11:58:00 +0200
From:         Robert Werman <RWERMAN@VMS.HUJI.AC.IL>
Subject:      SOUTH-MAY-BE-OFFENSIVE

Two OTHER redneck offerings, attributed to
the comedian Jeff Foxworthy on the radio.

You are a redneck if:

  If a bugzapper and a sixpack is your idea of quality entertainment.

  If you have ever had to climb a water tower with a can of whitewash
     to defend your sister's honor.

And, speaking of oldies but goodies, do you remember the story of
Opium Jones?

   First day of class in a rural Southern school. Teacher is calling
role: "Billy Adams." "Here." "Susie Brown." "Here." She comes to
"Opium Jones" and gasps.
  "Boy," she says, "what you name?"
  "Opium Jones!" he says proudly.
  "Boy," she says, "you go fetch yo' mammy to come see me."
  The mother arrives.
  "This boy say his name is Opium Jones," the teacher says.
   "That's right," the mother says. "That's what we named him."
  "But don't you know opium is a dope?" the teacher says.
  "I sure do," the mother replies.
  "No no no, that's not what I meant," the teacher says. "I mean,
opium is illegal."
  "Uh-huh," the mother says.
  "No no," the teacher says. "What I mean is, opium is a seed what
come from a white poppy."
  "You hit the nail right on the head!" says the mother.
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 07:10:00 EDT
From:         Musat, Bob <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject:      computer dictionary  - part 4 of 9

 - - - - - - - - -
COMPUTER DICTIONARY
By Phillip M Chow and Kenneth P Coles

GENERAL PURPOSE COMPUTER:  A computer not terribly good at anything one
thing in particular.
GIGO:  'Garbage In-Garbage Out'.  Normal result of most computer
programming.
GLITCH:  A bug with ambitions.
HANDSHAKING:  Symtom of too much programming.  Most commonly seen among
programmers who have just had their program erased by power fluctuations
before they saved their program to disk.
HARD COPY:  Cheating during a well monitored test.
HEXADECIMAL:  Unlucky numbers used in computers.
HIGH RESOLUTION: A law passed in Denver.

be seeing you,

oxo
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 11:07:37 +0100
From:         Marco Cucinato <cucinato@VARANO.ING.COMO.POLIMI.IT>
Subject:      Lazarus

Sorry for my lexical errors...

Here's the joke:

Lazarus meets a friend and they start talking.

friend:  Hey, Lazarus! Are you sure to be ok? You seem so tired!
Lazarus: Oh, let it be! I'm alive by a miracle!
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 08:17:19 EST
From:         Lynne Seamans <LSEAMANS@MU3.MILLERSV.EDU>
Subject:      Joke, rated 'G' maybe a little 'stereo-typical' and

                definitely better out loud!

One day this factory foreman hired 3 guys - a Polish fellow named
'Stosh', a black guy named 'Calvin' and a Chinese man named 'Ling'.

When it came to handing out work assignments, he said "Stosh, you
take care of that machine over there.  Make sure it has proper
materials going it at all times and inspect each finished piece
coming out".  Handing Calvin a broom, he said "Calvin, make sure
this place is clean at all times.  Sweep up anything that falls
on the floor."

So Ling asked what HE was supposed to do and the foreman said
"You're in charge of supplies" and went back to his office.

A little while later, he emerged from behind his desk to see
how his new charges were doing.  Stosh was busily tending his
machine and Calvin was sweeping up every piece of litter in
sight.  But he did not see Ling anywhere.  He went back to the
warehouse - no Ling.  He checked the receiving area - no Ling!
He even went into the men's room - still no Ling!!  In desperation
he was going back to his office to call personnel to inform
them he had 'lost' a new employee when out from behind a stack
of boxes jumped Ling yelling...

         "Suplize!"
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 08:39:00 EDT
From: Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP, (410) 830-3642 <D7AP002@TOA.TOWSON.EDU>
Subject:      Book Jokes

OK, let's try some famous books NEVER written.
"Over the Mountain Top" by Hugo First
"The Yellow River" by I. P. Daily
"50 Yards to the Outhouse" by Willy Makit, Illustrated by Betty Wont
"The Numbers Game" by Cal Q. Later
"The Nudist Colony" by Ceymor Hair
"The Nude Beach" by Ceymor Skin
"Chineese Castration" by Won Hung Lo
"Peeping Tom" by I. C. Ewe
I'm sure there are more. Please continue this thread.

*****Warning Warning Warning***** S I C K  J O K E S  B E L O W

Maybe you could also send those infamous Helen Keller jokes, like:
Why were Helen Keller's legs yellow? Her dog was blind too.
How did Helen Keller burn her right ear? She answered the iron. How did she
burn here left ear? They called back.
How did Helen Keller go crazy? She tried to read a stucco wall.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? The rearranged the furniture.
How did Helen Keller burn her right hand? She tried to read a waffle iron. How
did Helen Keller burn her left hand? The waffle iron had another page.
Well, I told you they were sick. Let's hear more.
----------------------------------------------------------------------- 33


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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 08:57:11 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Eve's apple <poem>

SHARING EVE'S APPLE by John Keats

O blush not so!  O blush not so!
     Or I shall think you knowing;
And if you smile the blushing while,
     Then maidenheads are going.

There's a blush for won't, and a blush for shan't,
     And a blush for having done it:
There's a blush for thought and blush for naught,
     And a blush for just begun it.

O sigh not so!  O sight not so!
     For it sounds of Eve's sweet pippin;
By these loosened lips you have tasted the pips
     And fought in an amorous nipping.

Will you play once more at nice-cut-core,
     For it only will last our youth out,
And we have the prime of the kissing time,
     We have not one sweet tooth out.

There's a sigh for yes, and a sigh for no,
     And a sigh for I can't bear it!
O what can be done, shall we stay or run?
     O cut the sweet apple and share it!
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 08:48:40 CDT
From:         Serita Blankenship <SBLANKEN@OZ.UMB.KSU.EDU>
Subject:      rated pg

Under the Bleachers by C. Moore Butts
Hole in the Mattress by Mr. Completely

Have you heard about the new support group for talkaholics?
They call it On an On Anon.
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 08:46:05 CST
From:         Weasel <JEFF@CODVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      Sexist Q&A

Q. Why do doctors turn newborns upside down and slap them on the back?
A. To knock the dicks off the dumb ones.
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 09:57:58 EDT
From:         john lawrence u388 x3027 <jlawrenc@E5SF.HWENG.SYR.GE.COM>
Subject:      "YOU" MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... (remainder)

     (continued)

"YOU" MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

   You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
   You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
   Your considered an expert on wormbeds.
   Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
   The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
   You've ever bought a used cap.
   Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
   You pick your teeth from a catalog.
   You've ever financed a tatoo.
   You've ever stolen toilet paper.
   You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
   People hear your car a long time before they see it.
   The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
   You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
   You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
   You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
   You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of
nature.
   You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
   You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
   You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
   Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
   MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
   You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
   You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
   Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling
   the state trooper to kiss her ass.
   Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
   You own a denim leisure suit.
   You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
   Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and
   nobody notices.
   You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
   Your family tree does not fork.
   You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk
   jug in the car.
   You have a rag for a gas cap.
   The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
   You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
   You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your
arm.
   You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge
   clearance restrictions.
   You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins,
   "For a good time call...."
   You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
   Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
   You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.
   After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with
   beer bottles.
   Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
   All of your four letter words are two syllables.
   You've ever been too drunk to fish.
   You cut your toenails in front of company.
   You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
   Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
   Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
   You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
   Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
   You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
   You can spit without opening your mouth.
   You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
   You call your boss "dude".
   You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
   You have grease under your toenails.
   You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
   Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
   You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
   You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
   You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
   You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
   You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
   You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for
   toilet paper.
   Your father walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.
   The directions to your house say "Turn off the paved road."
   Your honeymoon was in Little Rock.
   Your wife has more children than teeth.
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 11:44:49 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Parachute joke

It was the Big Moment. He'd done all the training, he'd taken off in
the plane, he'd made it up to 10,000 feet and now he was going to do
his first skydive.
10,000'... 9,000'... 8,000'... all going well!
7,000'... 6,000'... 5,000'... time to open the chute!
He pulls the ripcord, the chute streams out of the pack, up into
the sky and... keeps going up!
"Oh, no!" he screams, then gets a grip. "I've had all the training...
I know what to do" he thinks.
3,000'... 2,000'... he pulls the other ripcord and
nothing happens!
"I'm gonna die" he thinks, but then he sees something amazing.
Rising UP from below him is a man with no aeroplane, no wings, no
nothing; just this bloke falling UP towards him!
Thinking that it might be a miracle, the skydiver decides that he's
got nothing to lose and yells out to him "Do you know anything about
parachutes?"
As the bloke whizzes past he yells back "No, do _you_ know anything
about gas barbecues?!?"
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 19:07:38 +0200
From:         Ajay K. Vachhani <ajayvac@BGUMAIL.BGU.AC.IL>
Subject:      Limerick,  clean

There was a young fellow named Clyde
Who went to a funeral and cried.
When asked, who was dead,
He stammered and said
"I don't know. I just came for the ride !"
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 11:08:49 -0500
From:         Forrest Baulieu <BAULIEUF@GBVAXA.UWGB.EDU>
Subject:      Answers to "More of the Phrase Game"

Here are the answers to "More of the Phrease Game" I posted some time ago.
The puzzles were called the "Equations Analysis Tests",  were created by
editor Will Shortz, and appeared in GAMES in the May 1981, May 1982,
and November 1982 issues of Games Magazine.

************************************************************************
(a)   36 = I. in a Y.                     Inches in a Yard
(b)   6  = W. of H. the E.                Wives of Henry the Eighth
(c)   212= D. at which W. B.              Degrees at which Water Boils
(d)   3  = P. for a F.G. in F.            Points for a Field Goal in Football
(e)   20 = Y. that R.V.W.S.               Years that Rip Van Winkle Slept
(f)   101= D.                             Dalmations
(g)   60 = S. in a M.                     Seconds in a Minute
(h)   7  = H. of R.                       Hills of Rome
(i)   56 = S. of the D. of I.             Signers of the Declaration of
                                          Independence
(j)   5  = F. on the H.                   Fingers on the Hand
(k)   40 = T. (with A.B.)                 Thieves with Ali Baba
(l)   30 = D.H.S.A.J. and N.              Days Hath September, April, June and
                                          November
(m)   1  = D. at a T.                     Day at a Time
(n)   10 = A. in the B. of R.             Amendments in the Bill of Rights
(o)   435= M. of the H. of R.             Members of the House of
                                          Representatives
(p)   16 = O. in a P.                     Ounces in a Pound
(q)   31 = I.C.F. at B.R.                 Ice Cream Flavors at Baskin Robbins
(r)   50 = C. in a H.D.                   Cents in a Half Dollar
(s)   2  = T.D.(and a P. in a P.T.)       Turtle Doves and a Partridge in a
                                          Pear Tree
(t)   4  = H. of the A.                   Horsemen of the Apocolypse
(u)   13 = C. in a S.                     Cards in a Suit
(v)   8  = P. of S. in the E.L.           Parts of Speech in the English
                                          Language
(w)   20,000 = L.U. the S.                Leagues Under the Sea
(v)   9  = I. in a B.G.                   Innings in a Baseball Game

**********************************************************************
Watch for "Phrase Game III"  coming soon!
==========

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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 11:28:37 -0600
From:         NAME <ECLEMENT@ADMIN2.MEMST.EDU>
Subject:      Dave Barry observations

From Dave B's column yesterday, all about the new standard for testing
soap scum cleaner.
"Oh sure, you've seen TV commercials wherein the Cheerful Housewife,
standing in a bathroom the size of Radio City Music Hall, waltzes up to
a scum-encrusted tile, sprays it with a cleanser, and then wipes it off
to reveal a sparkling shine.  But these commercials are not filmed on
Earth; they're filmed on the Commercial Planet, where everything is different;
where fast-food-chain employees really are happy to serve you; where there
is some meaningful difference between Coke and Pepsi; and where "light"
beer does not taste like weasel spit."
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 12:42:20 -0400
From:         Dawn M. Shotts <dawns@ALPHA.ACAST.NOVA.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Book Jokes

Did you hear about the Helen Keller doll?  You wind her up and she walks
into walls.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?  They stuck a plunger in the
toilet bowl.

Why did Helen Keller play the piano with only one hand?  She had to sing
with the other.

Same with why does she masturbate with one hand?  She has to moan with
the other.
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 12:46:41 -0400
From:         Dawn M. Shotts <dawns@ALPHA.ACAST.NOVA.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Sexist Q&A

On Mon, 4 Oct 1993, Weasel wrote:

> Q. Why do doctors turn newborns upside down and slap them on the back?
> A. To knock the dicks off the dumb ones.

I heard it differently, and most would agree:
A.  To knock the penis' off the smart ones.
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 14:58:00 EST
From:         BABA <HARSH@CRNLGSM.BITNET>
Subject:      How to hunt Elephants!!

               HOW TO HUNT ELEPHANTS
               ---------------------
           How do you hunt elephants..?

ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray
animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs
within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed
elephant.

ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if
elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS hunt the 1st animal they see N times & call it
an elephant.

CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted
anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise
those people who do.  Operations research consultants can also
measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the
efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will
only identify the elephants.


COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by excercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a
known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will
terminate.  Assembly language programmers prefer to execute
Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around
arguing about who owns the droppings.  Software lawyers will
claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of
one dropping.

VICE PRESIDENTS of engineering, research, and development try
hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent
it.  When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the
staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are
completely prehunted before the vice president sees them.  If the
vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will
(1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge
itself to prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the
assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with
deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE inspectors ignore the elephants and look for
mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALESPEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling
elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the
season opens.  Software salespeople ship the first thing they
catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.  Hardware
salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as DESKTOP
ELEPHANTS.
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 15:30:54 -0400
From:         SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET
Subject:      Andrew Dice Clay's Nursery Rhymes

For international subscribers unfamiliar with this comedian, he is the self-
proclaimed Sultan of Sleeze and Vulgarity, so squeamish folk should hit the
delete key now. He is also a rather remarkable impressionist (his Stallone,
DeNiro and Pacino are quite good), has an excellent singing voice and gave
an interesting performance as a private detective in the movie, "The
Adventures of Ford Fairlane."

Little Miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey; along came
a spider, sat down beside her and said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?"

Jack and Jill went up the hill, both with a buck and a quarter; Jill came
down with two fifty...the fucking whore.

Three Blind Mice, see how they run, where the fuck are they going?

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack burned off his fucking dick.

Rock-a-bye baby, on the treetop, your mother's a whore and I ain't your pop.

Eenie, meenie, minie mo; suck my dick and swallow slow.

Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder what you are; shine upon the
parking lot, as I eat my girlfriend's twat.

Patti cake, Patti cake, Baker's man; if your chick's got her period, fuck
her in the can.

Georgie, Porgie, Puddin' and Pie; jerked off in his girlfriend's eye; when
her eye was dry and shut; Georgie fucked that one-eyed slut.

Hickory, Dickory, Dock; some chick was sucking my cock; the clock struck
two, I dropped my goo; and dumped the bitch on the next block.

Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean; so Jack ignored
her flabby tits, and licked her asshole clean.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary; trim that pussy, it's too damn hairy.

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat and the fiddle; the cow jumped over the moon;
that's more than my lazy wife does; that fat, fucking, smelly baboon.

Little Bo Peep fucked her sheep, blew her horse, licked his feet; she ate
his ass, all very nice; tongued his balls, not once but twice.

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe; she had so many kids, her uterus
fell out.

Old Mother Hubbard, went to her cupboard, to get her old dog a bone;
She bent over and got a bone of her own.
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 15:34:48 EST
From:         ROBERT RYAN <ROBERT_RYAN@CCMAIL.GSFC.NASA.GOV>
Subject:      Home from the Honeymoon (sexual content)

I was talking to my son's Latin teacher, the other night and the
subject of this humor listserver came up.  I agreed to ask you the humor
community, if you had any Latin jokes.  Preferably in the original tonque,
or at least about Latin.  E PLURIBUS UNUM  and NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM is all
I know (have very few of them in my pockets).

Please submit Humor to me personally at E-mail ROBERTRYAN@delphi.com
or to this LISTSERVE if you think everyone would enjoy it.

Thanks     3
          R

Obligatory Humor:
----------------

A newly married couple did not have time to unwrap all their wedding
presents before they went on there honeymoon.  So, after they returned from
their honeymoon, they proceeded to open the remaining presents.  They came
upon one gift that did not have a card to indicate who gave it to them.
It was a very old but nice full length mirror.  The wife decided it would
be a nice addition to their bedroom.  Later that evening, the wife was
getting ready for bed.  She was standing in front of the mirror, looking
at herself critically.  She said "I wished I had boobs out to here",
indicating a 38C or better.  Instantly, with no warning, her breast
grew out to her hands.  She called excitely for her new husband to
come quickly.  He said "what happened to you"!  She told him the
story of her wish.  Upon hearing this, he took of all his clothes and
stood in front of the mirror.  He said "I wished I had a pecker
that hung down to the floor.  Again, instantly and without any warning, his
legs were cut off at the hips!
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 14:39:37 -0500
From:         irma <aleman@TENET.EDU>
Subject:      limerick

There was a young lady from Lynn
Who was so uncommonly thin,
That when she essayed
To drink lemonade
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 14:42:03 -0500
From:         irma <aleman@TENET.EDU>
Subject:      Questions?

What was the color of George Washington's white horse?

Who is buried in Abraham Lincoln's grave?

When was the war of 1812 fought?
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 16:20:04 -0500
From:         PHANTOM <praveen@BODHI.ESYS.CWRU.EDU>
Subject:      Re: Andrew Dice Clay's Nursery Rhymes

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack burned off his fucking
dick.
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, but Jill prefers the candlestick.
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 14:48:38 MST
From:         Diane Stevens <dlstevens@ACADEMIC.CC.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject:      More Cow Humor

What do you call a lazy cow?
Un-moo-tivated
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 17:38:00 EST
From:         JEFF HUBBARD <HUBBARD@CRNLGSM.BITNET>
Subject:      MORE Andrew Dice Clay Poetry

Little Jack Horner
sat in a corner
eating his pizza pie;
he shit pepperoni,
blew his friend Tony,
and wiped his mouth on his tie.
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 18:27:26 EDT
From:         Se Lareow Patricius <PCONNER@WVNVM.BITNET>
Subject:      Limerick: just barely past G

There once was a man from Stromboul
Who soliliquied thus to his tool:
"You've taken my wealth,
You've ruined my health,
And now you won't pee, you old fool."

(_Slaughterhouse Five_, I believe...)

--Riff
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 18:32:56 -0400
From:         Charlotte Haas <chaas@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject:      Another elephant joke...kinda disgusting.

Q:  What does an elephant use for a tampax?
A:  A sheep.
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 19:01:18 EDT
From:         Se Lareow Patricius <PCONNER@WVNVM.BITNET>
Subject:      Re: Limerick, clean

here's a couple limerics of my own, fitting in with a local slang style:

There once was a young man named Tat
Reknowned for the way that he sat
when asked "Are y'great?"
he replied "Why debate?
I am wearing an excellent hat."

I used to take boxes of mice
and stack them in piles on ice
when asked "Are y'great?"
I replied "Why debate?
I employ a most wondrous device."

--Riff
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 20:51:48 EST
From:         Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Native American joke <some rudeness>

  Two men went fishing on a lake one day.  Also fishing was an
female native American. The men were on one side of the lake, the
native American on the other.  The men didn't catch any fish at
all, but the native American was having no problems cathing them by
the bucketful.

  That night, the men decided to go fishing again the next day, but
they thought that they would take the good side of the lake.

  The men got there first, and went to the side of the lake where
all the fish had been the day before.  The native American went to
the other side of the lake. Again, the native American caught all
kinds of fish, but the men never even got a bite. Later, the men
went and asked the native American her secret.

  The native American replied "When me wake up in morning, me look
at husband's thing. If it hang on left, me fish on left side of
lake.  If it hang on right, me fish on right side of lake."

  One of the fishermen asked "What happens if your husband's dick
is in the middle?"

  The native American answered "Me NO fish."

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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 21:08:25 EDT
From:         Anissa Holman <anissa@UNIX.CAMPBELLSVIL.EDU>
Subject:      wedding night nervousness

Sorry if this has been posted before.
Here goes.

A young girl is getting married and she's scared of what will happen on her
wedding night so she asks her mother to get the hotel room next to her and her
husband.

The big night arrives. The girl goes to the bathroom to get ready for bed.
When she comes out, her husband is taking of his shirt.  She runs next door to
her mother. "Momma, Momma, he's taking off his shirt!"

"That's perfectly normal, dear," the mother says. "Calm down."  And the girl
went back.

This time the husband was taking off his shoes.  The girl ran back to her
mother again, and again her mother told the girl it was alright.  So the girl
went back to her own room.  What the husband hadn't told his wife was that he
had been in a lawnmower accident when he was younger and lost part of his
foot.
When the girl comes back to the room she sees his foot and runs back to her
mother.

When she gets there she says, "Momma, Momma, he's got a foot and a half!"
The mother says, "Stay here, honey, I'll take care of this."

         Anissa  <anissa@unix.campbellsvil.edu>
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 17:24:59 PDT
From:         HCate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject:      Life  2.K  -     A collection of clean humor gather on7 Dec 87

The following material comes from Stephen F. Cohen, Professor of
Politics at Princeton University.  He teaches the very popular "Soviet
Politics" course here.  Each year, he has a "joke" lecture in which he
tells about anecdotes and jokes that come from the Soviet Union.  As he
put it, there's one on about every subject of Soviet life.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Steve Cohen  -  Soviet Anecdotes  -  As told on December 1, 1987
----------------------------------------------------------------

When all is said and done, though, the real articulation of popular
opinion is the form that the Russians call the anecdote. Once there was
a law against anti-Soviet anecdotes. That was no joke.  Though quickly
there was a joke about it:

F.D.R. and Stalin met, and F.D.R. boasted that he was so popular in
America that a book of jokes about him had been published.  Stalin said,
"That's nothing - I have 10 campfulls."

Living in Moscow in 1977, there was a report on the short-wave radio
that some Soviet musician had defected in New York.  The NEXT DAY,
somebody said to me, "You know what a Soviet trio is?   --  A Soviet
quartet returning from New York."

Brezhnev was thought not to be too bright.  He comes to address a big
Communist party meeting, and starts:
"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"
The whole hall perked up - "what did he say??"   Brezhnev tried again...
"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"
Well, by now the hall was in pandemonium - was he trying to call them
Imperialists?  Then, an advisor walked over to the podium and pointed to
the speech for Brezhnev.  "Oh..." he muttered, and started again:
"Dear Comrades, Imperialists are everywhere."

A friend of mine once told me an anecdote, which I then told Gorfinkle over
there, and Gorfinkle didn't think it was funny.  The punch line of the
anecdote - which had to do with life in the army - was that the Soviet
privates
were sent out to paint all the grass on the base green.  I thought it was
very funny.  He didn't.  I said, "Why don't you think it was funny,"  to
which he replied, "because when I was in the army, we always painted the
grass green."

There was a famous anecdote that the reason Brezhnev's speeches ran 6 hours
is because he read not only the original, but the carbon copy.  In fact, there
was a report near the end of Brezhnev's life that he went down to south Russia
to deliver a speech on science, and accidently gave the wrong speech - on
culture - and didn't even know it until it was over.

It was decided to build in a Siberian town a statue of Lenin.  The party boss
told the monument factory to build a well-known, famous sculpture of Lenin.
So the work commences - a statue of Lenin addressing the crowds will be
made.
Later, the party boss returns as the work is being done, and he notices that
Lenin lacked a hat.
"We can't have Comrade Lenin standing in the Siberian cold without a hat
on him.  Put one on his head."
"But, Comrade- " the sculptor started.
"No buts.  Put a hat on him."
So came the day of unveiling - and there was Lenin, a hat on his head...
and another one in his hand.

What is the difference between Capitalism and Socialism?
Well, under Capitalism, you have the exploitation of man by man.  Under
Socialism, it's the other way 'round.

"Comrades, we have established beyond a doubt that it is possible to build
socialism in one large country - like the Soviet Union.  But is it possible
to built it in a very small country, say, Switzerland."
"Of course it is - but what have you got against the Swiss?"

A man was arrested one night for running across Red Square yelling
"Khrushchev is a fool! Khrushchev is a fool!"
He was arrested and given 10 years - 5 for slandering the leader, and 5 for
revealing a state secret.

At the Olympics in the Soviet Union, Brezhnev started a speech at the opening
ceremonies.  He began as follows:
"Oh...."     "Ooooo...."   "Oh...."    "Ooo...."    "Ooohh."
until one of his advisors quietly pointed out that the Olympic symbol was
not a part of the speech to read.

There were so many state funerals between 1982 and 1985 that when a guy
approached Red Square for one of them, and the cops stopped him and asked
if he had a pass, he replied, "Hell, I've got a season ticket!"

Is it true that the American capital people are on the edge of the abyss?
- Yes, they are on the edge of the abyss, looking down to see how we live.
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Date:         Mon, 4 Oct 1993 09:15:44 EDT
From:         William A. Reitwiesner <wrei@SEQ1.LOC.GOV>
Subject:      Political joke (clean)

Remember those ATF and FBI agents who were fired over the Branch Davidian
business in Waco?  Well, they're now in Moscow, helping Boris Yeltsin deal
with the Russian Parliament.
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