Digest for Friday, October 01, 1993

There are 18 messages totalling 466 lines in this issue.




Topics of the day:

  1. The PLAIN TRUTH about lightbulbs!
  2. "YOU" MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...
  3. computer dictionary part 3 of 9
  4. thoughts on lawyers
  5. From the Daily Collegian
  6. fw:TOP TEN (9-28-93) (fwd)
  7. Mickey humor (Strong language)
  8. Actually heard on radio shrink show
  9. one more
  10. Re: Cow Jokes (clean but guaranteed groaners)
  11. Limerick: Offensive, Racist.
  12. Jimmy Carter (G)
  13. Lightbulbs
  14. rednecks
  15. TECHNICAL PERSONS PAT ANSWER.
  16. Atom joke
  17. Lesser known programming languages (clean)
  18. Little old lady


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Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 08:41:17 -0400
From:         Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject:      The PLAIN TRUTH about lightbulbs!

I just read in UPI that an audit commission has found that it actually
takes six (British) National Health Service employees to change a
hospital lightbulb!

It's true! The Daily Mail reported that it's a "sick joke" of a process
for each lightbulb requires 17 separate administrative procedures, from
ordering bulbs to a worker reporting a burnt-out lamp to the recording
of the fact that a new bulb is in place and working.

The audit commission was looking into ways of reducing NHS costs by
reducing time wasted by employees on administrative nonsense, so that
more of the limited supply of pounds could be used for actual patient
care.

Ian
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Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 07:58:36 EDT
From:         john lawrence u388 x3027 <jlawrenc@E5SF.HWENG.SYR.GE.COM>
Subject:      "YOU" MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

   "YOU" MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

   You ever cut your grass and found a car.
   You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
   You think the stock market has a fence around it.
   Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
   You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
   Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
   You own a homemade fur coat.
   Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
   You burn your yard rather than mow it.
   Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a
bath."
   You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship
   came in."
   You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
   The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
   You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
   Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the
   Governor to spare a loved one.
   Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because
   of her language.
   Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home
   with the kids."
   Birds are attracted to your beard.
   Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
   You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
   You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
   You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberatley.
   Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
   You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
   You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
   You clean your fingernails with a stick.
   Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
   You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
   You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it
   look nice.
   Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
   Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
   Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
   You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
   There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of
your
   car.
   The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
   There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
   You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
   The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
   You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
   You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
   You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

  more to follow ...
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Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 07:57:00 EDT
From:         Musat, Bob <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject:      computer dictionary  part 3 of 9

 - - - - - - - - -
COMPUTER DICTIONARY
By Phillip M Chow and Kenneth P Coles

EBCDIC:  Security code for IBM computers. Means "Erase Backup, Chew Disk,
Ignite Cards". For a variety of obvious reasons, only IBM computers use
EBCDIC code.
EDITOR:  A program which deletes obscene commands.
ENDLESS LOOP:  See LOOP, ENDLESS.
EPROM:  Acronym for 'Exit Program, Read Owners Manual'.
ERROR:  A programmer's decision to skip making a flowchart and to exclude
comments from his program.
ERROR TRAP:  A black hole placed in a computer to capture bugs.
EXECUTION:  What your computer did to your program, also known as murder.
EXPANSION:  Computer slang for 'Vital Parts Missing'. A computer with
'Expansion Capability' is capable of working only when the extra parts are
purchased.
FIFO:  Good name for a French Poodle.
FIG-FORTH:  A quartered Fig.
FILE:  Found in cakes, it is used to end lockups.
FIRMWARE:  Hardware that is beginning to melt.
FLIP FLOP CIRCUIT:  Device used by politicians to determine policy.
FLOPPY DISK:  Back pain that you claim is from an old war injury.
FLOWCHART:  Map of currents in the Gulf of Mexico.
FLYING HEAD:  Airline toilet.
FORTH:  One of the top three computer languages.
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Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 09:21:03 EDT
From:         Mike Weinstein <MPW01@ALBNYDH2.BITNET>
Subject:      thoughts on lawyers

Saw a lawyer in downtown L.A. today with a sign that said:"Will make someone's
life a living hell for food".
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Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 16:55:03 -0400
From:         SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET
Subject:      From the Daily Collegian

San Francisco -- Since Opus the penguin has taken to shooting flocks of
flying toasters, a computer software company is taking a legal Magnum to
Opus.

When cartoonist Berkeley Breathed, a 1987 Pulitzer Prize winner, first
walked into a software store, he "didn't see anything funny." So he designed
the "Opus N' Bill Screen Saver" program for Toronto-based Delrina Corp...
part of which is Opus gunning down the winged toasters.

Since the soaring appliances are the icon of Berkeley Systems Inc.'s popular
"After Dark" program, the company doesn't think his choice of skeet is so
neat. So the company is suing rival Delrina.

"They're essentially profiting on our brand," said Wes Boyd, co-founder,
president and chief exeucitve officer of the Berkeley, CA, company. "We
worked very hard to establish a brand identity which is focused in and
around this flying toaster image."
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Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 11:09:46 -0400
From:         Amy L. Ward <cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU>
Subject:      fw:TOP TEN (9-28-93) (fwd)

September 28, 1993
===========
Top ten complaints of the Biospherians
===========

10. Bad planning to have everyone in there be named "Billy"
 9. All the jokes about people who live in glass houses
 8. Bio-toast was usually bio-burned
 7. Cockroaches the size of lawn tractors
 6. Completely missed two of Madonna's "new looks"
 5. Sick of people calling us "Trekkies"
 4. Never found Waldo
 3. On second day, badminton birdie got stuck in rafters
 2. Crazy woman who kept breaking in claming to be "Mrs. Biosphere"
 1. Bio-sores.
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Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 16:04:40 -0400
From:         TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU
Subject:      Mickey humor  (Strong language)

        So, Mickey Mouse was arrested for beating his wife, Minnie.

        At the trial the judge said, "Now Mickey, I understand that
you said Minnie was acting very silly recently. But surely that doesn't
give you the right to hit her."

        "But your honor", said Mickey "I didn't say she was acting
silly - I said she was fucking goofy!".
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Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 14:04:07 EST
From:         Theresa Muir <TFD@CUNYVMS1.BITNET>
Subject:      Actually heard on radio shrink show

I awoke in the middle of the night last night, and as I often do, I
turned on the radio to listen to Dr. Joy Brown, the syndicated radio
shrink.
A caller described the following problem with her pre-school little
girl:
It seems that the little girl had recently discovered that touching
herself in certain, um, places, made her, um, feel good.  The mom
caught the child in the act, didn't panic, explained that it wasn't a
_bad_ thing to do, but it was a _private_ thing to do, not around
other people.

Some days later, the mom walked into the TV room, and found the little
girl engrossed in masturbating.  The child stopped immediately, and
after a few uncomfortable minutes, she said to her mom:

"Mommy, would you mind leaving the room, so I can rub some more?"

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Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 15:42:53 EDT
From:         Se Lareow Patricius <PCONNER@WVNVM.BITNET>
Subject:      one more

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  It's a hardware problem.
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Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 15:41:49 EDT
From:         Se Lareow Patricius <PCONNER@WVNVM.BITNET>
Subject:      Nasrudin

Here's a Nasrudin tale from "The Schrodinger's Cat Trilogy" by
Robert Anton Wilson

One day, Nasrudin managed to create a magic wand.  Wishing to patent
this powerful and valuable device, he waved the wand and a patent office
appeared.  As he entered the building, the patent officer said "Can I
help you?"  Nasrudin answered "I would like to patent this magic wand
that I have created."  The patent officer said "You can't patent a magic
wand!  There's no such thing!"

So Nasrudin waved the wand and made the patent office disappear.

--Riff
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Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 09:43:00 EST
From:         Wall, David K. <DKW0@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject:      Re: Cow Jokes (clean but guaranteed groaners)

>
>Well, guess I've milked that one for all it's worth.
>
>Marty

Just keep moo-ving along before we chase you down for such udderly terrible
puns. An encownter with irate HUMOR readers could cause you never to be herd from
again. (But I've herd that the people who hate puns the moost are those incapable
of uddering them.)

You also reminded me of the parts of an automoobile:

moo-fler, cattle-ytic inverter, cowberator, and of course the horn.

(If she doesn't dry up I could do this 'til the cows come home)
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Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 19:21:55 +0200
From:         Ajay K. Vachhani <ajayvac@BGUMAIL.BGU.AC.IL>
Subject:      Limerick: Offensive, Racist.

There was a young lady of Starky
Who had a night out with a darky.
The results of her sins
Were quads, not twins.
One white, one black and two khaki !

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Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 10:20:58 MST
From:         Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject:      Jimmy Carter (G)

Former President Jimmy Carter, appearing on the Late Show with
David Letterman, related this story....

Shortly after leaving office, Carter traveled to Japan to give
a speech before a large crowd.  Most of the people in attendance
did not speak English, so Carter had to rely upon an interpreter.
He started off his speech with a joke, wanting to put the crowd
at ease.  When the interpreter finished re-telling the joke, the
crowd erupted with exuberant laughter.  Carter was surprised at
the reaction, since the joke hadn't been that funny in English.
After the speech, he went to the interpreter and asked how he had
told the joke to the crowd to make it so funny.  The interpreter
bowed his head and turned away, but Carter persisted.  Finally,
the interpreter sheepishly repeated what he had told the crowd:
"The President just told a funny story.  We must all laugh now."
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Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 15:34:52 EDT
From:         Se Lareow Patricius <PCONNER@WVNVM.BITNET>
Subject:      Lightbulbs

Here's some jokes you probably already know...

How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?
two.  One to change it, and one not to change it.

How many Realists does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

How many Surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Fish.


A sign in the window of a pizza parlor:
"CONTEST!!  Guess how many pizzas are in this box, and win both of them."

--Riff
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Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 16:13:57 CDT
From:         Jim Kemp <KEMP@UMSLVMA.BITNET>
Subject:      rednecks

Some redneck comments were forgotten ...

You know you might be a redneck if:

You think a family reunion is a good place to pick up chicks
There's only one name in your family tree
Your wife has more children than teeth
You spent your honeymoon in Little Rock

OK, I know there's more out there ...
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Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 17:19:01 -0400
From:         tharp.david@EHCCGATE.SANDOZ.COM
Subject:      TECHNICAL PERSON'S PAT ANSWER.

     I fully realize that I have not succeeded in answering all of your
     questions.......Indeed, I feel I have not answered any of them
     completely.  The answers I have found only serve to raise a whole new
     set of questions, which only lead to more problems, some of which we
     weren't even aware were problems.  To sum it all up.....In some ways I
     feel we are as confused as ever, but at a higher level, and about more
     important things.
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Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 20:13:58 EDT
From:         Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject:      Atom joke <rude word>

Newsgroups: eunet.jokes
From: hadwin@sg1.NoSubdomain.NoDomain (Mr M.A. Hadwin)
Subject: charged joke
Date: Wed, 28 Jul 93 15:42:29 BST

Two atoms walking down the street......

One turns to the other and says: ' Shit! I think I've lost an electron'
The other one look back and replies: 'Are you sure?'
The other replies: 'Yeh, I'm positive!'
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Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 17:03:05 PDT
From:         Marty Spiff Kuhrt <marty@SPISYS.TTISMS.COM>
Subject:      Lesser known programming languages (clean)

LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES

C-

 This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
 submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class.  C- is
 best described as a "low-level" programming language.  In fact, the
 language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
 statements to execute a given task.  In this respect, it is very
 similar to COBOL.


FIFTH

 FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
 refer to quantity.  The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
 JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
 BLOTTO.  Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
 CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.

 The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
 financial status of its users.  Commands in the ELITE dialect include
 VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
 and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
 who end up using this language.


SARTRE

 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
 unstructured language.  Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just
 are.  Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.
 SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at
 parties.
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Date:         Fri, 1 Oct 1993 20:55:53 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Little old lady <poem>

THE LITTLE OLD LADY IN LAVENDER SILK by Dorothy Parker

I was seventy-seven, come August,
     I shall shortly be losing my bloom;
I've experienced zephyr and raw gust
     And (symbolical) flood and simmom.

When you come to this time of abatement,
     To this passing from Summer to Fall,
It is manners to issue a statement
     As to what you got out of it all.

So I'll say, though reflection unnerves me
     And pronouncements I dodge as I can,
That I think (if my memory serves me)
     There was nothing more fun than a man!

In my youth, when the crescent was too wan
     To embarrass with beams from above,
By the aid of some local Don Juan
     I fell into the habit of love.

And I learned how to kiss and be merry--an
     Education left better unsung.
My neglect of the waters Pierian
     Was a scandal, when Grandma was young.

Though the shabby unbalanced the splendid,
     And the bitter outmeasured the sweet,
I should certainly do as I then did,
     Were I given the chance to repeat.

For contrition is hollow and wrathful,
     And regret is not part of my plan,
And I think (if my memory's faithful)
     There was nothing more fun than a man!
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