The Humor List

Digest for Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. The Apple (George Matyjewicz)
2. Newspaper reading (Anna Welander)
3. Unspeakable (Anna Welander)
4. How To Appease The IT Dept (Anna Welander)
6. How to confuse a non-native English speaker (Maurizio Mariotti)
7. Things I Learned From Watching Movies (Paul Benoit)
8. New perspective (Lee Bradley)

Message: 1
Date: Tue, 30 Sep 2014 12:14:07 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: The Apple

Three farmers are talking about their apple crop.

The first one says, "I grew an apple so big, when I put it on a chair, the chair broke."

The second one says, "I grew an even bigger apple. When I put it on a table, the table broke."

The third one says, "I grew a pretty big one, too. I put it in a wagon."

The first farmer asks, "Did it break?"

The farmer answers, "No, but the worm got out of it and ate the horse!"

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Message: 2
Date: Tue, 30 Sep 2014 21:36:19 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Newspaper reading

For decades now, newspaper readership has been steadily going down. A major reason is that young people don't read newspapers. Young people either don't care about news, or prefer to get their news from alternative sources, such as the Internet, TV, cell phones, cereal boxes, skywriting, and other people's tattoos.

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Message: 3
Date: Tue, 30 Sep 2014 21:40:19 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Unspeakable

A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"

The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.

The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.

"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."

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Message: 4
Date: Tue, 30 Sep 2014 21:55:05 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: How To Appease The IT Dept.

01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sureto leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

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Message: 5
Date: Tue, 30 Sep 2014 23:56:11 -0700
From: Stan Kegel

Where is the best place to learn to make Ice Cream desserts?
At Sundae School

What did the ocean say to the beach?
I'm not shore.

What did the termite say when he walked into the bar?
"Where is the bar tender?"

Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
To the Baa Baa Shop

What's the difference between a Train and Teacher?
A train says, "Chew, Chew!" and a Teacher says, "Spit the gum out!"

Peter Pan couldn't fight Captain Hook because her punches would Neverland.
When an artist thinks about drawing a cube, he gets a mental block.
When Washington crossed the Delaware he said, "Next time I'm going to reserve a seat!"
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls Of Fire!"
Jezebel: "The Lady Is A Tramp"
Elijah: "Up, Up, And Away"

'm not feeling well
Today," said the turtle, "but
Tomorrow i shell."
(John S. Crosbie)

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Message: 6
Date: Wed, 01 Oct 2014 11:08:26 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: How to confuse a non-native English speaker

... like MM, in 20 steps
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

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Message: 7
Date: Wed, 1 Oct 2014 08:10:32 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Things I Learned From Watching Movies

- A character always overhears a conversation and gets the wrong idea.
- When walking into a room, someone always answers a question they could not possibly have heard.
- One person has vital information to tell another, but after the other person says what they want to say and asks what they wanted, they say "nothing", or lie.
- Professional killers can destroy everything but the person they're trying to kill.
- Characters can jump across buildings and catch a ledge without fracturing any bones.
- Characters can also jump down from tall heights, but not break their legs.
- Characters who are thrown through glass windows never get cut.
- After making love, the couple will either be half-dressed in bed, or the man will have a sheet up to his waist and the woman will have a sheet up to her neck.
- Everyone knows how to drive motorcycles, boats, and planes.
- A person who has never picked up a gun will shoot their enemies with accuracy that their assailants don't have.
- When someone punches another person in a bar, a bar fight will always start up.
- If someone gets mad because their cell phone isn't working, they always throw it.
- Family photos always look like they are professionally done.
- If a character runs across a street, nine times out of ten they will be hit by a car, but they won't be injured.
- In a fight, the woman always chooses a vase to break over the bad guy's head.
- Being hit with a bottle or a vase does not give a person a concussion.
- No matter how thick the glass is, anyone can jump through it.
- Women always wake up in the morning with their hair and makeup perfect.
- If a man runs down a beam or pipe, he will slip and fall on his crotch, but not be injured.
- Anyone can breathe underwater indefinitely.
- After the bad guy wrecks his car, the good guy runs up to the driver side, only to discover that the bad guy has disappeared.
- If there's a car chase, there's an endangered fruit stand up ahead.
- A semi- truck will always appear when cars are in both lanes.
- A superhuman villain can throw a normal person across a room, usually into a wall or shelf, but the normal person will not be injured.
- If the good guy is fighting the bad guy and scratches his cheek, that's when the fight really begins.
- Alcoholics and people who eat junk food have perfect bodies.
- All nerdy women look like supermodels when they take off their glasses.

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Message: 8
Date: Wed, 01 Oct 2014 10:46:36 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: New perspective

After a short trip to Earth, the Martian cosmonaut arrives back home and presents his superiors with a TeeVee screen and a smartphone. "Sorry that I couldn't capture and bring back any Earthlings, but I did better than that: I brought back two of their gods."

"O wad some Pow'r the giftie gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us!"
- Robert Burns, 1786

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert