The Humor List
 

Digest for Sunday, September 28, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Hunting Buddies (George Matyjewicz)
2. PENALTY (Paul Benoit)
3. Fat Girlfriend <Offensive to overweight people> (Mickey)
4. Fast Moped (Richard Nehrbass)
5. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)
6. Dear Diary (Maurizio Mariotti)
7. Question (Richard Nehrbass)
8. 24th First Annual Ceremony (Paul Benoit)
9. Maybe Not Malicious (Phil G)
10. Rowing 101 (Topolski, Leonard P.)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Sun, 28 Sep 2014 12:55:48 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Hunting Buddies

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter retuned alone, staggering under an eight-point buck.

"Where is Mike?" asked another hunter.

"He fainted a couple of miles up the trail," Mike's partner answered.

"You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?"

"A tough call," said the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Mike."

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Message: 2
Date: Sun, 28 Sep 2014 14:12:44 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: PENALTY

God to Professional Athletes: Stop Pointing at Me
http://www.holyobserver.com/god-to-professional-athletes-stop-pointing-at-me/

HEAVEN - In a press release issued earlier this month, God declared that professional athletes in any sport who point or gesture in any way in His direction while on the field of play will be subject to the normal penalties for committing a sin.

The policy seems to have been in the works for some time, as the release cites recent audits conducted by heavenly officials of post touchdown and homerun related adulation, which found relatively low levels of sincerity among professional baseball and football players in particular.

James Worthington, president of the Religious Studies Institute - a Chicago-based inter-faith think tank, is convinced that the timing of this new policy being released during the height of the NFL season is no coincidence.

"This is the time of year when you really see the celebrations ramping up, football players pointing with one or both hands and looking heavenward," Worthington said. "We've seen the NFL crack down on celebrations significantly over the years, disallowing props and things like that. I see this as God's way of saying that he's not about to put up with being anybody's prop either."

The press release itself was relatively short - a mere 777 characters outlining the basics of the new policy, but a heavenly official speaking on the condition of anonymity told The Holy Observer that there were a couple of key factors in addition to the alleged lack of sincerity that prompted The Almighty to make the declaration.

"First of all, I think we can all agree that pointing is rude," the official said. "Secondly, it's more or less an open secret up here that God outsourced His sovereignty over sporting events at all levels to a startup firm in Mumbai about five years ago, so I really think he was starting to feel a little funny about taking credit for everything."

It's unclear at this point how the new policy will affect on field celebrations, as many well established sin-related policies seem to have had little to no bearing on the behavior of professional athletes historically. However, Worthington expects the new policy to at least have a temporary chilling effect.

"When you have God singling out your behavior directly like this, it tends to get your attention," he said. "This isn't like some dusty commandment telling you not to covet your neighbor's Escalade. This is a fresh fax from cloud nine telling you to knock it off. I expect people to listen - at least until the playoffs."

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Message: 3
Date: Sun, 28 Sep 2014 10:07:07 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Fat Girlfriend <Offensive to overweight people>

I've got a fat girlfriend:
I bought her a three piece swim suit; a top, a bottom and a blindfold for me!

Her legs look like nylons filled with cauliflower!

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Message: 4
Date: Sun, 28 Sep 2014 18:17:43 -0700
From: Richard Nehrbass
Subject: Fast Moped

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars! '

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! 'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor ... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'

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Message: 5
Date: Mon, 29 Sep 2014 00:14:19 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

RIDDLES
What are the best letters to read in hot weather?
Fan Mail

What do snakes put on theur kitchen floors?
Rep-Tiles

How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buck an ear.

What kind of soup never gets hot?
Chili soup!
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
Iron Man is actually Fe male.
Paul Revere rode his horse from Boston to Lexington because the horse was too heavy to carry!
The early American settlers were like ants. They lived in colonies.
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks. She's not marrying the best man.
++++++++++++++++

PUN SERIES - MIXED METAPHORS
"It was so cold last night I had to throw another blanket on the fire."
"It's time to step up to the plate and cut the mustard."
"She's robbing Peter to pay the piper."
"Some people sail through life on a bed of roses like a knife slicing through butter."
"Sometimes you've gotta stick your neck out on a limb."
++++++++++++++++

GROANERS & LONG JOKES
After pitching for many a year, a
Hall of Famer was feted. 'Twas clear a
Lot of speeches were made
About when the guy played
At the end of an excellent ERA.
(Kirk Miller)

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Message: 6
Date: Mon, 29 Sep 2014 11:39:52 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary

[Excerpted from Pauly's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
Mrs. Pauly walked into the bathroom and asked me, "What are you doing, you perv?"

My perfectly reasonable explanation that I am a Jedi and was polishing my lightsaber was not accepted.

Bummer.

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Message: 7
Date: Mon, 29 Sep 2014 04:23:26 -0700
From: Richard Nehrbass
Subject: Question

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, "Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"

His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. "Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse."

Oh, Little Hunter said, "OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you!"

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Message: 8
Date: Mon, 29 Sep 2014 07:34:39 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: 24th First Annual Ceremony

The 2014 Ig Nobel Prize Winners
http://www.improbable.com/ig/2014/

PHYSICS PRIZE
....for measuring the amount of friction between a shoe and a banana skin, and between a banana skin and the floor, when a person steps on a banana skin that's on the floor.

NEUROSCIENCE PRIZE
....for trying to understand what happens in the brains of people who see the face of Jesus in a piece of toast.

PSYCHOLOGY PRIZE
....for amassing evidence that people who habitually stay up late are, on average, more self-admiring, more anipulative, and more psychopathic than people who habitually arise early in the morning.

PUBLIC HEALTH PRIZE
....for investigating whether it is mentally hazardous for a human being to own a cat.

BIOLOGY PRIZE
....for carefully documenting that when dogs defecate and urinate, they prefer to align their body axis with Earth's north-south geomagnetic field lines.

ART PRIZE
....for measuring the relative pain people suffer while looking at an ugly painting, rather than a pretty painting, while being shot [in the hand] by a powerful laser beam.

ECONOMICS PRIZE
....for proudly taking the lead in fulfilling the European Union mandate for each country to increase the official size of its national economy by including revenues from prostitution, illegal drug sales, smuggling, and all other unlawful financial transactions between willing participants.

MEDICINE PRIZE
....for treating "uncontrollable" nosebleeds, using the method of nasal-packing-with-strips-of-cured-pork.

ARCTIC SCIENCE PRIZE
....for testing how reindeer react to seeing humans who are disguised as polar bears.

NUTRITION PRIZE
....for their study titled "Characterization of Lactic Acid Bacteria Isolated from Infant Faeces as Potential Probiotic Starter Cultures for Fermented Sausages."

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Message: 9
Date: Mon, 29 Sep 2014 08:47:32 -0400
From: Phil G
Subject: Maybe Not Malicious

Came across this in an article:
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

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Message: 10
Date: Mon, 29 Sep 2014 08:41:37 -0500
From: Topolski, Leonard P.
Subject: Rowing 101

Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lose race after race. Even though they practice and practice four hours every day, they never manage to come in any better than dead last. Finally, the team decides to send Morris Fishbein, its captain, to spy on Harvard, the perennial championship team.

So Morris schlepps off to Cambridge, Mass. and hides in the bushes next to the Charles River, where he carefully watches the Harvard team at its daily practice. After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva. "Well, I figured out their secret," he announces.

"What? Tell us! Tell us!" his teammates shout.

"We should have only one guy yelling. The other eight should row."

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