The Humor List

Digest for Friday, September 26, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Hunting Bears (Mickey)
2. Miracle (Topolski, Leonard P.)
3. You Know You've Booked A Cheap Flight When ... (Anna Welander)
4. Frozen crabs (Richard Nehrbass)
5. Mercedes Benz (Mickey)
6. Q&A du jour (Maurizio Mariotti)
7. JUST MATURE (Stan Kegel)
8. Marital Bliss? (Paul Benoit)

Message: 1
Date: Fri, 26 Sep 2014 07:55:14 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Hunting Bears

A Pole and a Czech go bear hunting. When they don't come back their friend go looking for them.

They find two tracks leading into the wood and follow them to a clearing. There are two guns on the ground and blood all over and they realize that the bears must have eaten their friends.

There is a loud crashing noise and a much roaring and the two bears (a male and a female) rush them. Blasting away with the guns the friends kill the female while the male gets away.

They find on cutting open the female the remains of their Polish friend. This can only mean one thing -

The Czech is in the male!

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Message: 2
Date: Fri, 26 Sep 2014 14:32:54 -0500
From: Topolski, Leonard P.
Subject: Miracle

Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting-room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and emerged within half an hour walking completely erect, with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle ... he gave me a longer cane."

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Message: 3
Date: Fri, 26 Sep 2014 22:31:16 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: You Know You've Booked A Cheap Flight When ...

As you board the plane, you notice the co-pilot is frowning and wearing an "I'm with Stupid" T-Shirt.

The Captain announces over the intercom the flight is delayed while he looks for his keys.

The Airline mechanics, wearing propeller beanies, seem to be pointing and laughing an awful lot, and drinking something from inside brown paper bags.

The Ground Crew are seen using pennies to check tire wear

A man with an oily rag hanging from the back pocket of his dirty coveralls, and sadly shaking his head, turns out to be the airline's C.E.O.

A voice on P.A. system warns you to keep your heads and arms inside the aircraft at all times, while the plane is in motion.

Jumper Cables are dangling from the door to the cockpit.

A man in clerical garb walks thru the plane, sprinkles all the passengers with water, mumbling something in Latin & exits.

A telephone with a really long cord connects the plane to the control tower.

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 26 Sep 2014 16:29:10 -0700
From: Richard Nehrbass
Subject: Frozen crabs
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 26 Sep 2014 13:47:10 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Mercedes Benz

Business Man in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess:
Business Man: What is your name?
Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!
Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?
Hostess: Yes Sir, very close.
Business Man: How close?
Hostess: Same price!

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Message: 6
Date: Sat, 27 Sep 2014 11:44:35 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Q&A du jour <groaner alert>

Q: How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A: A buck an ear.

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Message: 7
Date: Sat, 27 Sep 2014 04:11:29 -0700
From: Stan Kegel

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
>From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."

I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you, Seniors, the coffee is free."

Understand -- I'm not old -- I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer -- can't hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt.),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit ... not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old ... I'm only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it gray ... saying "blond" is just right.

My car is all paid for ... not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer ... get off of the road!"
My car has no scratches ... not even a dent.
Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent."

My friends all get older ... much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got "character lines," not wrinkles ... for sure,
But don't call me old ... just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.

But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the running ... in this I'm secure,
I'm not really old ... I'm only mature.
(Author Unknown)

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Message: 8
Date: Sat, 27 Sep 2014 07:13:51 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Marital Bliss?

Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.

On their wedding night, his new wife asked if any of his ancestors had ridden with Paul Revere.

When he asked why, she explained, "I was just wondering if minute men ran in your family."

"Darling," his wife grumbled, "I noticed that whenever you see a pretty woman, you forget that you are married...."

"Just the opposite," her husband sighed, "just the opposite."

"Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid." - George Carlin

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert