The Humor List
 

Digest for Thursday, September 25, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Charm School Graduate (Language) (Anna Welander)
2. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)
3. RESPECT YOUR PARENTS!! (Paul Benoit)
4. The Mortgage <language> (Maurizio Mariotti)
5. Suppositories (Lee Bradley)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Thu, 25 Sep 2014 22:22:10 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Charm School Graduate (Language)

Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in Los Angeles airport.

The first lady was an arrogant Californian woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to Charm School," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm School?" the first woman said, amazed, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, 'Who gives a shit?' I learned to say, 'Well, bless your heart!'"

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Message: 2
Date: Fri, 26 Sep 2014 03:47:50 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

RIDDLES
What do babies write with?
Play pens

Why did the shoplifter steal bars of soap?
To make a clean getaway

What's the best way to learn the sausage business?
From the ground up (Gary Hallock)

What is the difference between an angry rabbit and counterfeit dollar bills?
One is a mad bunny and the other bad money
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
I had an account with a bank in the North Pole, but they froze all my assets. (Mike Bull)
If you are going to jog around the rim of the Grand Canyon, you must exercise great caution
Saw manufacturers that are losing money have to make lots of cuts.
When I got a boomerang for my birthday, I enjoyed many happy returns.
++++++++++++++++

PUN SERIES - USE IN A SENTENCE
Awry: Once you've developed a taste for corn liquor, you'll never go AWRY. (John S. Crosbie)
Armageddon: And the Lord said, "ARMAGEDDON tired of all this sinning on Earth." (Cynthia MacGregor)
Affair: All I want is AFFAIR price for my product. (Stan Kegel)
Anchored: Be sure to make the package safe for shipping. Use both tape ANCHORED. (Stan Kegel)
Cousin: "I put on my mittens COUSIN the winter my hands are cold."
++++++++++++++++

GROANERS & LONG JOKES
The fellow was robbing their nest
Of their eggs, and the hens were distressed.
They were out of their wits,
So they pecked him to bits?
He'd forgotten his pullet-proof vest.
(Brian Allgar)

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Message: 3
Date: Fri, 26 Sep 2014 07:46:05 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: RESPECT YOUR PARENTS!!!

They made it through school without Google.

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 26 Sep 2014 15:12:48 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: The Mortgage <adult>

Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father says, "We have a $200,000 mortgage on the house! There won't be a $200 bike this year."

Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.

Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with a $200,000 mortgage!"

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 26 Sep 2014 09:57:29 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Suppositories

"Here you go," said the doctor to the farmer, "all you need is suppositories. I'll just sign the prescription."

The next week, the farmer comes back and complains that his problem is worse than ever: "You can't say that I didn't try it, your medicine. I swallowed four a day. Then I decided that perhaps it wasn't the way to take them. I put them in my soup. Nope. No results. I put them in boiling water and drank that. Nothing! I rubbed them all over me. Nothing. Excuse me, doctor, but those pills, they had as much effect on me as if I had crammed them up my . . . "

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