The Humor List
 

Digest for Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Facts Of Life (George Matyjewicz)
2. The zoo (Lee Bradley)
3. "It's a Mom Thing" (Mickey)
4. Who's A Good Boy? *WHO'S* A Good Boy?? (Paul Benoit)
5. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)
6. Signs you are no longer in College (Maurizio Mariotti)
7. Think before you speak <language> (Topolski, Leonard P.)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Wed, 24 Sep 2014 12:07:45 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Facts Of Life

A mother carefully explained to her young daughter how children were created. She used the expression "carrying a child" instead of "pregnant," but the girl seemed satisfied.

Sometime later, a terrible fire broke out in the neighborhood, and the girl stood by watching.

Here is how she described the scene to her parents: "There was this big fire, and a fireman ran into the house, and when he came out, he was pregnant."

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 24 Sep 2014 19:38:03 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: the zoo

The rabbit and the bull were out drinking into the wee hours of the morning. The bull said, "I've got to go home. You can stay here as long as you like, because your wife's a honey bunny, but my wife's a COW!"

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 24 Sep 2014 13:45:30 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: "It's a Mom Thing"

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and prepared the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.

She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails.

Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed."

"I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.

About that time, the hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular, "I'm going to bed," and he did.
++++++++++++++++

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"

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Message: 4
Date: Thu, 25 Sep 2014 07:28:20 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Who's A Good Boy? *WHO'S* A Good Boy??

23 Dog Thoughts That Will Change Your Outlook On Everyday Dog Life
http://news.distractify.com/fun/animals-fun/dog-shower-thoughts/

- What if I never find out who's a good boy?
- If I wasn't around, my human would end up losing dozens of balls every day.
- My human poops in the best drinking bowl in the house.
- Why do humans harvest our poop?
- Why does my human talk in a normal voice to other humans, but in a high-pitched baby voice to me?
- Why do humans wear different costumes every day?
- Am I barking because he barked at me, or is he barking because I barked at him?
- When humans run around the neighborhood, it's exercise, but when I do it, I get yelled at?
- What if humans think they're walking *us* on the leash?
- Why does my human throw the ball away every time I bring it back for him?
- Why do humans remove the fur from their face every day? Do they not get cold?
- Why does my human watch other people trapped in a box for hours every day?
- If barking at the mailman is truly useless, why has it kept my family safe all this time?
- I think my human is a masochist. He VOLUNTARILY takes a bath EVERY DAY!
- Why do the humans put all this fun stuff on the floor for me to pee on, then get mad at me when I do so?
- If I eat my poop, I'll never be hungry again!
- Who let us out?
- Who really ate the homework?
- Why does the human leave the house every day instead of sleeping on the couch with me?
- My human says 'good night' to his family and friends and it's fine, but when I go out back to bark 'good night' to the other dogs in the neighborhood, my humans get mad at me ... why?
- Why doesn't my human listen to my warnings when I bark at threats beyond the door?
- Every day I greet my human with a polite butt sniff, yet she never returns the favor. Does she hate me?
- SQUIRREL!

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Message: 5
Date: Thu, 25 Sep 2014 05:00:09 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

RIDDLES
What is a chicken's favorite vegetable?
Eggplant

What is the best day of the week to make hamburgers?
Fryday

What is the best store to be in during an earthquake?
A stationary store.

What's the best way to learn the sausage business?
From the ground up (Gary Hallock)
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
When the clock factory burned, there was a lot of second hand smoke.
I don't like tops of stairs. They always bring me down.
He didn't make a good shoe salesman because he was a loafer.
There were no eggs in the henhouse because they were poached.
The cats in the Coliseum were upset when they discovered that the tigers were taking the lions' share of the prophets.
++++++++++++++++

PUN SERIES - DOCTOR, DOCTOR
"Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a clock."
"Don't worry, you're just a little wound up.".

"Doctor, Doctor, I keep chewing on my feather pillow."
"You do look a little down in the mouth."

"Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a goat."
"How long have you felt like that?"
"Ever since I was a kid."

"Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains."
"Pull yourself together."

"Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm going to die."
"Don't be silly, that would be the last thing you'll ever do."
++++++++++++++++

GROANERS & LONG JOKES
To do the lord's work while they play,
The ministers gardened all day.
It was hard to decide
On the right pesticide,
'Til they found the one called Lettuce Spray.

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Message: 6
Date: Thu, 25 Sep 2014 14:55:27 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Signs you are no longer in College

-- You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close.
-- Your potted plants stay alive.
-- You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill.
-- Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.
-- You attend parties that the police don't raid.
-- You refer to college students as "those kids."
-- You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just beer, beer and beer.
-- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza.
-- At 6 a.m., you're putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out.
-- Naps are no longer weekday options.
-- Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy.
-- Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato chips.
-- You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.

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Message: 7
Date: Thu, 25 Sep 2014 10:26:24 -0500
From: Topolski, Leonard P.
Subject: Think before you speak <language>

A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realize that the occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and after some minutes a stewardess approaches.

"Can I get you anything, sir?" she asks the man.

"Yes, I'll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you".

"And for you, sir?" she asks the parrot.

"A double whisky and coke, bitch, and make it quick, I'm thirsty!" demands the parrot.

The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot's drink, which he snatches without a word.

"Excuse me," says the man, "but I ordered a coffee".

"Did you, sir? I'm sorry, I'll get you one straight away". By which time the parrot has finished his drink.

"Anything else for you, sir?" the stewardess asks the parrot.

"Yeah, I want another double whisky and coke, tart. Quick, bitch, I can't wait all night!"

Again the stewardess returns with the parrot's drink and without the coffee. Naturally the man thinks the only way he is going to get any service is to adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger. "Listen here you stupid slapper," he says to the stewardess, "I want my bloody coffee and I want it now, you cow!"

Two minutes later the stewardess returns, but this time with two enormous security guards, who proceed to manhandle the man and the parrot to the back of the plane, open the door and eject them from the plane.

As they hurtle uncontrollably towards earth from 35,000 feet, the parrot turns to the man and says, "You're a bit of a lippy bastard for someone who can't fly, aren't you!"

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