The Humor List
 

Digest for Monday, September 22, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Autumn (George Matyjewicz)
2. SatNav poetry (Maurizio Mariotti)
3. Schedule (Paul Benoit)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Mon, 22 Sep 2014 12:22:52 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Autumn

Autumn is a season for big decisions - like whether or not it's too late to start spring cleaning.

This autumn we can look forward to falling leaves and rising gas prices. We'll be raking it up while the oil companies are raking it in.

The autumn leaves are a lot like raising kids. First they turn on you, and then they fly away. And next thing you know, you look out the window and they're back!

I got tired of looking at all those leaves in my yard, so I got up off the couch and went into action. I closed the curtains.
++++++++++++++++

Autumn in an Art Gallery
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.

The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies: "Autumn."

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Message: 2
Date: Tue, 23 Sep 2014 10:36:13 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: SatNav poetry

I have a little SatNav, It sits there in my car
A SatNav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.

I have a little SatNav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my SatNav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty k's an hour," it says, "You're doing sixty-five".

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counseling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

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Message: 3
Date: Tue, 23 Sep 2014 08:00:35 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Schedule

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,
My day starts like this:
6am - 7am: I go for a run
7am - 9am: Gym
9am - 10am: Healthy breakfast
10am: Alarm goes off, I wake up

- The Old Perfesser

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