The Humor List

Digest for Sunday, September 21, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Pearly Gates Of Heaven (Mickey)
2. The Fish (George Matyjewicz)
3. Short medical exam (Grady Lacy)
4. Another reality (Grady Lacy)
5. Dear Diary (Maurizio Mariotti)
7. Office Warning Signs You Want To Put Up ... But Can't (Paul Benoit)

Message: 1
Date: Sun, 21 Sep 2014 09:56:34 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Pearly Gates Of Heaven

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth.

So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay."

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Message: 2
Date: Sun, 21 Sep 2014 17:17:02 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: The Fish

A man was stopped by the fish and game-warden in Alberta recently. He had with him two buckets of fish. He was leaving Shaw's Point on Slave Lake, well known for its great fishing.

The fish and game warden asked the man: 'Do you have a license to catch all those fish?'

The man replied to the game warden: 'No, sir. These are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?' the warden replied.

'Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around. After a while, I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them back home again.'

'That's a bunch of hogwash! Fish can't do that!' was the outburst from the Warden.

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said: 'Here, I'll show you. It really works.'

'O.K. I've GOT to see this!' The game warden was curious now. The man poured the two buckets of fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, 'Well?'

'Well, what?' the man responded.

'When are you going to call them back?' The game warden prompted.

'Call who back?' The man asked.

'The FISH.' the warden said.

'What fish?' The man asked.

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Message: 3
Date: Sun, 21 Sep 2014 20:18:27 -0400
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Short medical exam

When students took an entrance exam for medical school: they were perplexed by this question: "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out the most useful part of the human body when it is erect."

Those who spelled "spine" became doctors. The rest are in Congress.

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Message: 4
Date: Mon, 22 Sep 2014 00:32:49 -0400
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Another reality

In a mother's womb were two babies. One asked the other: "Do you believe in life after delivery?"

The other replies, "Why, of course. There has to be something after delivery. Maybe we are here to prepare ourselves for what we will be later."

"Nonsense," says the other. "There is no life after delivery. What would that life be?"

"I don't know, but there will be more light than here. Maybe we will walk with our legs and eat from our mouths."

The other says "That is absurd! Walking is impossible. And eat with our mouths? Ridiculous. The umbilical cord supplies nutrition. Life after delivery is impossible. The umbilical cord is too short."

"Well. I think there is something, and maybe it's different than it is here..."

The other replies, "No one has ever come back from there. Delivery is the end of life, and in the after-delivery it is nothing but darkness and nonexistence..."

"Well. I don't know..." says the other, "but certainly we will see mother and she will take care of us."

"Mother?? You believe in mother? Where is she now?"

"She is all around us. It is in her that we live. Without her there would not be this world."

"I don't see her, so it's only logical that she doesn't exist."

To which the other replied, "Sometimes when you're in silence you can hear her; you can perceive her. I believe there is a reality after delivery, and we are here to prepare ourselves for that reality."

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Message: 5
Date: Mon, 22 Sep 2014 10:22:06 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary

[Excerpted from MM's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
I joined the Climate Change March, but they told me to wear some clothes.

That's illogical. What better way to show how global warming is affecting me?

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Message: 6
Date: Mon, 22 Sep 2014 03:35:57 -0700
From: Stan Kegel

Why was the nanny goat so upset?
She had too many kids to take care of.

Where do they grow shoes?
In the foothills

How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings arcade game?
None. It only takes Tolkiens.

If you don't feel well, what do you probably have?
A pair of gloves on your hands.

If dogs go to obedience school, where do cats go?

Elevators drive people up a wall.
Some children think that their parents are all NO-ing
An insulting telegram is a barbed wire.
The fly danced on the top of the Coke bottle because it said, "Twist to open."
Elephant to mouse: "Well, maybe you don't mind cheesy wages, but I'm tired of working for peanuts.? (Chris Kemp)

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded
I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.
I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.

All the paintings the artist creates
Are not liked by his wife. Each one grates
On her nerves to no end,
So she talks to a friend
And complains 'bout her husband's poor-traits.

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Message: 7
Date: Mon, 22 Sep 2014 07:16:48 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Office Warning Signs You Want To Put Up ... But Can't

HANDLE WITH CARE: The Contents Of This Cubicle Are Emotionally Fragile
DANGER: Be Extremely Cautious About Speaking To Me In Person If It Could Have Been Said Via Email
CAUTION: Approach Slowly Enough For Employee To Close Inappropriate Browser Tabs
BE ADVISED: Occupant Of This Cubicle Is Oblivious To What Constitutes A Proper Setting For Nail Clipping
LIMIT: One Pregnancy Question Per Coworker
CAUTION: Everyone Is Listening To And Quietly Judging Your Personal Calls
CAUTION: Dangerous Coworker Who Steals Ideas Inside. Approach At Your Own Risk.
NOTICE: Employees Really Shouldn't Need To Be Told They Must Wash Their Hands Before Returning To Work
ATTENTION! This Person Is Not In IT, They're Just Under 25
WARNING: By Placing Tupperware In This Refrigerator The Owner Waives All Rights To The Contents Inside
WARNING: I Am Likely To Send An Email Talking Shit About You The Minute You Leave My Cubicle
CAUTION: Please Listen For Sobbing Before Entering My Cubicle
WARNING! Try Not To Work Out Your Rage Against Your Parents On The Printer After A Paper Jam
WARNING: Your Coworkers Are Already Upset About Having To Stand So Close Together On This Elevator. Please Don't Make It Worse By Speaking.
WARNING: The Odor Of The Food You Heat In The Office Microwave Will Forever Be Associated With Your Personality
CAUTION: Try Not To View The Droning Ascent Of The Elevator As A Metaphor For Your Soul Leaving Your Body As You Get Closer To Your Workplace
WARNING: On Your Death Bed You Will Regret Every Second Of Your Life Spent In This Conference Room

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert