The Humor List
 

Digest for Saturday, September 20, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Overdue wedding gift (Anna Welander)
2. Groaner Du Jour (Anna Welander)
3. What did you think, you dirty ...??! (Anna Welander)
4. Public Speaking (George Matyjewicz)
5. THE MUMMY (Stan Kegel)
6. LET THERE BE LIGHT <prob. blasphemous> (Paul Benoit)
7. You know you live in a small town when ... (Anna Welander)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Sat, 20 Sep 2014 20:49:21 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Overdue wedding gift

Five years after my wife, Julia, and I were married, we received our final wedding gift: an ice-cream maker. In an attempt to cover procrastination with humor, the friend who sent it included a note: "I wanted to make sure the marriage would last."

Julia wasn't amused, but she thought the present deserved a thank-you note anyway, which she dutifully sent five years later.

Her note read: "I wanted to be sure the ice-cream maker would last."

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Message: 2
Date: Sat, 20 Sep 2014 20:52:08 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Groaner Du Jour

It was one of those weird coincidences that occurs maybe once in a thousand years: That afternoon there converged on the neighborhood grocery store some 28 husbands, each of whom who had been sent out by their wives with very specific instructions as to what they should buy.

In a further stretch of the laws of probability, each of those men had assured their mates that they were perfectly capable of remembering the items needed without the childish crutch of written instructions.

Picture the scene: more than two dozen adult males wandering the store aisles with glazed-over eyes.

The atmosphere in the grocery store was, well, there is only one word for it - it was - listless.

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Message: 3
Date: Sat, 20 Sep 2014 20:57:07 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: What did you think, you dirty ...??!

A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane. The lady said to him, "Can you help me remove something from my breast please?"

The exciting young man replied, "Wow! It will be my pleasure. So what is it?"

"Your eyes, idiot!"

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Message: 4
Date: Sat, 20 Sep 2014 20:34:39 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Public Speaking

We were discussing the "don'ts" of public speaking in the PR class I teach.

"Don'ts" include a man reaching into his pants pocket and jangling change as he speaks, which is very distracting.

To illustrate my point, I asked for a student volunteer, saying, "I need a man with coins in his pocket."

What I got instead was a girl yelling out, "Honey, so do I!"

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Message: 5
Date: Sun, 21 Sep 2014 04:31:52 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: THE MUMMY

Movies about the Mummy have drawn huge audiences. Crypt writers create very funny mummy jokes, and the audiences get to watch the action in Horrorscope.

Off the silver screen the Mummy isn't very popular with the other monsters. They find him to be all wound up. They think he's egotistical because he's all wrapped up in himself. Ghosts dislike the Mummy because he always tears up their sheets.

That can be explained by the fact that the Mummy was very confused as a child because his daddy was a mummy. When he asked his parents, "Why can't I play with grandmummy?" They replied, "Be quiet! You've already dug her up three times!"

One day, all the Mummy's bandages fell off. He had to stay in the hospital until he was completely recovered.

After that unfortunate incident, the Mummy became chummy with a lady mummy that he met at the county pharaoh. The two mummies had a wedding and tied the knot.

For their honeymoon they booked a trip with Club Dead to the Gauza Strip so that the two of them could unwind. They planned for the future by buying a lot of afterlife insurance.

After many centuries, the couple turned into moldy oldies, so they decided to retire to the old, old, old age home.

"The Mummy" excerpted from Richard Lederer's Monsters Unchained! (Marion Street Press 2014)

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Message: 6
Date: Sun, 21 Sep 2014 07:46:21 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: LET THERE BE LIGHT <prob. blasphemous>

Did God just create Light to prove He wasn't playing with Himself in the Dark?

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Message: 7
Date: Sun, 21 Sep 2014 17:39:10 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: You know you live in a small town when ...

- The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.
- The local phone book has only one yellow page.
- Third Street is on the edge of town.
- You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.
- You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway.
- No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
- You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.
- Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.

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