The Humor List
 

Digest for Friday, September 19, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. What's Coming Next? (George Matyjewicz)
2. British humor (Mickey)
3. Get it? (Anna Welander)
4. So if you get jealous easily, don't read this! (Anna Welander)
5. Quiz: Guess the organization (Anna Welander)
6. Hurricanes (Richard Nehrbass)
7. Medical Technology <adultish> (Emko Witteveen)
8. Q&A du jour (Maurizio Mariotti)
9. TELEVISION <long> (Stan Kegel)
10. SUPER BUSY DAY AHEAD (Paul Benoit)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Fri, 19 Sep 2014 12:51:14 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: What's Coming Next?

I was setting up a large, cast aluminum, decorative sundial in my yard that I had purchased from a garden catalog.

A neighbor, an old Florida fellow, was leaning on the fence watching my progress and asked, "What the heck's that for?"

I explained, "It's a sundial. See, the sun will hit that small triangular spike and cast a shadow on the face of the sundial. Then, as the sun moves across the sky, the shadow also moves across the calibrated dial, enabling a person to determine the correct time."

My neighbor shook his head and muttered, "Huh, what will they think of next?!"

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Message: 2
Date: Fri, 19 Sep 2014 07:38:56 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: British humor

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2013 EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

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Message: 3
Date: Fri, 19 Sep 2014 20:36:43 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Get it?

The sentence below is true.
The sentence above is false.

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 19 Sep 2014 20:45:42 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: So if you get jealous easily, don't read this!

I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous, but I can still fit in to the earrings I wore in high school.

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 19 Sep 2014 22:01:12 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Quiz: Guess the organization

Qualities of Leadership
Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

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Message: 6
Date: Fri, 19 Sep 2014 15:19:45 -0700
From: Richard Nehrbass
Subject: Hurricanes <language, etc>

Just when you think you have heard all of the stupid things that are going on in the US -- this comes along... Black hurricanes....

Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names..

She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaquille, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up!

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language' that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans, was that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140 MPH, that's too hard to understand

I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says...

Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit.

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Message: 7
Date: Fri, 19 Sep 2014 16:28:47 -0600
From: Emko Witteveen
Subject: Medical Technology <adultish>

A married couple rushes to the hospital because the wife is going into labor. When they arrive, the doctor tells them that the hospital is looking for couples to try out this new machine that transfers a percentage of the mother's pain to the father during childbirth. The couple readily agrees to use it.

When the birthing process starts, the doctor goes ahead and says, "Okay, let's start easy. Transferring 20% of the pain to the father."

After a few minutes, the husband, seeing that his wife is still in a lot of pain, asks for more.

The doctor says, "Okay, transferring 40% of the pain to the father."

The husband, noticing that he is feeling totally fine and his wife is still in pain, asks for more.

"Okay, transferring 70% to the father."

After a few more minutes, the husband tells the doctor, "Doc, I can handle this, give me all of it."

So the doctor transfers 100% of the pain to the father. The husband seems completely normal, and the wife ends up giving birth with relatively zero pain. Happily, the couple heads home.

When they arrive, they find the mailman dead on the porch.
++++++++++++++++

NSA is proof that the government does listen to people.

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Message: 8
Date: Sat, 20 Sep 2014 11:14:20 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Q&A du jour <groaner alert>

Q. What did the termite say when he walked into the bar?

A. Where is the bar tender?

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Message: 9
Date: Sat, 20 Sep 2014 02:16:33 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: TELEVISION <long>

The most important thing we've learned,
So far as children are concerned,
Is never, NEVER, NEVER let
Them near your television set --
Or better still, just don't install
The idiotic thing at all.
In almost every house we've been,
We've watched them gaping at the screen.
They loll and slop and lounge about,
And stare until their eyes pop out.
(Last week in someone's place we saw
A dozen eyeballs on the floor.)
They sit and stare and stare and sit
Until they're hypnotized by it,
Until they're absolutely drunk
With all that shocking ghastly junk.
Oh yes, we know it keeps them still,
They don't climb out the window sill,
They never fight or kick or punch,
They leave you free to cook the lunch
And wash the dishes in the sink --
But did you ever stop to think,
To wonder just exactly what
This does to your beloved tot?
IT ROTS THE SENSE IN THE HEAD!
IT KILLS IMAGINATION DEAD!
IT CLOGS AND CLUTTERS UP THE MIND!
IT MAKES A CHILD SO DULL AND BLIND
HE CAN NO LONGER UNDERSTAND
A FANTASY, A FAIRYLAND!
HIS BRAIN BECOMES AS SOFT AS CHEESE!
HIS POWERS OF THINKING RUST AND FREEZE!
HE CANNOT THINK -- HE ONLY SEES!

'All right!' you'll cry. 'All right!' you'll say,
'But if we take the set away,
What shall we do to entertain
Our darling children? Please explain!'
We'll answer this by asking you,
'What used the darling ones to do?
'How used they keep themselves contented
Before this monster was invented?'
Have you forgotten? Don't you know?
We'll say it very loud and slow:
THEY ... USED ... TO ... READ! They'd READ and READ,
AND READ and READ, and then proceed
To READ some more. Great Scott! Gadzooks!
One half their lives was reading books!
The nursery shelves held books galore!
Books cluttered up the nursery floor!
And in the bedroom, by the bed,
More books were waiting to be read!
Such wondrous, fine, fantastic tales
Of dragons, gypsies, queens, and whales
And treasure isles, and distant shores
Where smugglers rowed with muffled oars,
And pirates wearing purple pants,
And sailing ships and elephants,
And cannibals crouching 'round the pot,
Stirring away at something hot.
(It smells so good, what can it be?
Good gracious, it's Penelope.)
The younger ones had Beatrix Potter
With Mr. Tod, the dirty rotter,
And Squirrel Nutkin, Pigling Bland,
And Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle and-
Just How The Camel Got His Hump,
And How the Monkey Lost His Rump,
And Mr. Toad, and bless my soul,
There's Mr. Rate and Mr. Mole-
Oh, books, what books they used to know,
Those children living long ago!
So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,
Go throw your TV set away,
And in its place you can install
A lovely bookshelf on the wall.
Then fill the shelves with lots of books,
Ignoring all the dirty looks,
The screams and yells, the bites and kicks,
And children hitting you with sticks-
Fear not, because we promise you
That, in about a week or two
Of having nothing else to do,
They'll now begin to feel the need
Of having something to read.
And once they start -- oh boy, oh boy!
You watch the slowly growing joy
That fills their hearts. They'll grow so keen
They'll wonder what they'd ever seen
In that ridiculous machine,
That nauseating, foul, unclean,
Repulsive television screen!
And later, each and every kid
Will love you more for what you did.
(From "Charlie and the Chocolate Factor" by Roald Dahl)

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Message: 10
Date: Sat, 20 Sep 2014 08:13:47 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: SUPER BUSY DAY AHEAD

I'm sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they've won the lottery.

Hey, *somebody* has to do it ...

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