The Humor List
 

Digest for Thursday, September 18, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Anti-War (George Matyjewicz)
2. Emergency Veterinarian ( adult ) (Mickey)
3. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)
4. Unfaithful wives (Maurizio Mariotti)
5. Hefty (Paul Benoit)
6. What's in a name? (Lee Bradley)
7. CELEBRATING TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY (Sandy (AKA MsSam))

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Thu, 18 Sep 2014 12:16:25 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Anti-War

The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?"

Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked, "Who'll give us the reason for being opposed to war?"

A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand.

"Johnny?" the teacher said.

"I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and I hate history!"

P.S. Reminds me of that Country Song by Luke Bryan, "Rain Is A Good Thing." Rain makes corn, corn makes whiskey, whiskey makes my baby, feel a little frisky

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Message: 2
Date: Thu, 18 Sep 2014 07:42:29 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Emergency Veterinarian ( adult )

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while they were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, she called the veterinarian. Although it was late, he answered in a very grumpy voice.

After having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

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Message: 3
Date: Fri, 19 Sep 2014 04:39:59 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

RIDDLES
What did the Japanese janitor yell as he jumped out of the closet?
"SUPPLIES" (James Ertner)

Why didn't the man believe what the sardine said?
It sounded too fishy.

Why is the math book always so unhappy?
Because it's full of problems!

Why don't astronauts relate well to other people?
They are not down-to-earth.

What happens if you open your mouth during a tornado?
A tongue-twister.
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
- A woodcutter's world revolves on his axis.
- Our last fight was really my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" And I said, "Dust!"
- He shot two birds before he realized they were dead wingers.
- An old gentleman asked his waiter for a large glass of prune juice. The waiter replied, "Is that for here, or to go?"
- When I ask about cloning, all I get is double-talk.
++++++++++++++++

PUN SERIES - HEADLINES
SPECTATORS RIOT AFTER SURFERS HANG TEN (Stan Kegel)
BOWLERS GO ON STRIKE (Doug Spector)
LOSING GOLF PLAYER USED COURSE LANGUAGE. (James Ertner)
TENNIS PLAYER COMES UNSTRUNG (Cynthia MacGregor}
CHAMPION GOLFERS CHIP AWAY AT TITLE (Lars Hanson)
BASS ANGLERS HOOKED ON THEIR SPORT (Charles Wukasch)
++++++++++++++++

GROANERS & LONG JOKES
Preparation H firm took a poll;
Found one user's response to be droll.
Said, "The pain made me scream.
Got relief from the cream,
'cause it works pretty well on the whole."
(Kirk Miller)

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 19 Sep 2014 14:32:32 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Unfaithful wives <off. to the Irish>

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 19 Sep 2014 08:37:03 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Hefty

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU PROBABLY NEED TO DROP A FEW POUNDS
- Tim Hunter, WackyWeek.com

1. The floor creaks when you walk on it. It's a cement floor
2. Local clothing store created a "Big and You" section
3. You've actually worn out two sets of silverware
4. Your grocery store has a day each month in your honor
5. That's the third extension on your belt

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Message: 6
Date: Fri, 19 Sep 2014 10:17:24 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: What's in a name?

from BBC News:
India's public TV channel has sacked a newsreader for slipping up over the name of visiting Chinese President Xi Jinping - apparently mistaking his surname for the Roman numeral XI, and calling him "Eleven Jinping" on air.

[Oh well, he can always get a job on American TeeVee, where correct pronunciation doesn't seem to matter.]

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Message: 7
Date: Fri, 19 Sep 2014 07:34:29 -0700
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)
Subject: CELEBRATING TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY

A man walks into a pet store and says, "I'm playing Long John Silver in the play Treasure Island, and I'm looking for a parrot. Can you sell me one?"

The pet store owner says, "You don't want a real parrot, it'll squawk all the time and poop on your shoulder and what if it falls off during the play?"

The man says, "Well, I want to be as realistic as possible."

The pet store owner says, "I've got a stuffed parrot you can use. Can you pick it up on Thursday?"

"Oh, I can't come on Thursday. That's when I'm getting my leg cut off."

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