The Humor List

Digest for Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Fisherman's Logic (George Matyjewicz)
2. Dad, don't be stupid! (Anna Welander)
3. Dear Diary (Maurizio Mariotti)
4. Abusive Relationships (Paul Benoit)
6. News to me! (Lee Bradley)

Message: 1
Date: Tue, 16 Sep 2014 12:09:55 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Fisherman's Logic

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!"
he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

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Message: 2
Date: Tue, 16 Sep 2014 20:56:13 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Dad, don't be stupid!

At dinnertime, our three-year-old daughter, Dani, was refusing to eat her carrots. She looked at her daddy strangely when he told her that carrots make you see better in the dark.

Dani picked up a carrot and started to press it.

"No, they don't," she said. "That's what a flashlight is for. See, this doesn't light up."

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 17 Sep 2014 10:53:41 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary

Excerpted from MM's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
I really got into this game called "Minecraft" and built a replica of the Colossus of Rhodes.

Now all the other players think I am a pervert, but all I did was to make it anatomically correct -- and I believe he was called "Colossus" for a reason.

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Message: 4
Date: Wed, 17 Sep 2014 07:51:23 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Abusive Relationships

You should never blame the victim, but Oscar Pistorius' girlfriend would still be alive if she hadn't worn that locked bathroom.

Battered Women Shoot Mouths Off in Support of Ray Rice

Members of the American Organization of Battered Irritating Women have started shooting their mouths off in support of former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice after a video showing him punching his fiance Janay Palmer unconscious resulted in his being suspended indefinitely by the NFL.

"I don't think it's fair," AOBIW spokeswoman Brandi Martin remarked, "Not saying he needed to knock her out, but she was probably talking shit."

Martin proceeded to touch on some of the complex dynamics of abusive relationships.

"I don't know the bitch, but there's lots of ways you can provoke a man to hit you," Martin said, "Sometimes all you gotta do is give him a certain look and know you're gonna get an ass whooping. You know that smirk's gonna get your ass kicked, but you go ahead and smirk anyway."

Martin offered Palmer (now Janay Rice) some advice.

"They gonna have a lot more time together now that Ray's been kicked out of football, so what she needs to do is learn to fight. Like some of that Jojipsu or Jing Jong Ju shit," she said.

"Now get out there and hit those guys like they're women and children!" - NFL locker room halftime speech

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Message: 5
Date: Wed, 17 Sep 2014 05:45:08 -0700
From: Stan Kegel

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite.

How do you make a Venetian blind?
Stick a finger in his eye

What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

What is the best time to see the dentist?
At Tooth Hurty (2:30)

When does a woman most enjoy a man's company?
When he owns it.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic.

- When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
- A yak is the star of an animal talk show. (Mike Bull)
- A woman visiting France drank too much wine., fell from her hotel window and ended up in a body cast. She swore never to get plastered in Paris again.
- Tech support: "What's on your monitor now, ma'am?" Customer: "A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11."
- When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

- "My bicycle wheel is melting," Tom spoke softly. (Stan Kegel)
- "I prefer boxers," Tom mentioned briefly. (Mike Lewis)
- "I still think I can draw blood from you," Tom probed vainly.
- "I hate grape beverages," Tom whined with clarity.
- "Your embroidery is very sloppy," Tom needled cruelly.
- "My former wife has lost a lot of weight," Tom expounded thinly. (Stan Kegel)

To lose weight and get out of a rut,
Cut out snacks; simply keep your mouth shut.
Intuition, you'll find,
Is not good. Use your mind.
So when dieting, don't trust your gut.
(Kirk Miller)

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Message: 6
Date: Wed, 17 Sep 2014 10:28:48 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: News to me!

Maury gets to his office and opens the paper. There, on page 2, is an announcement of his death. He rushes to the phone and calls his wife: "Jo, have you seen today's paper yet?" he blurts.

"UH, yes," she says. "Where are you calling from?"

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert