The Humor List
 

Digest for Sunday, September 14, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. The Artist - Good News & Bad (George Matyjewicz)
2. The Magic Penis <adult> (Lanny Julian)
3. Naval physical exam (Anna Welander)
4. That's not it (Anna Welander)
5. Geronimo!!! (Lee Bradley)
6. The Invisible Man (Stan Kegel)
7. A grasshopper walks into a bar (Maurizio Mariotti)
8. YOU KNOW YOU'RE A TEACHER WHEN ... (Paul Benoit)
9. Senior citizen fun (Grady Lacy)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Sun, 14 Sep 2014 13:20:25 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: The Artist - Good News & Bad

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor ..."

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Message: 2
Date: Sun, 14 Sep 2014 16:07:51 -0400
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: The Magic Penis <adult>

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd
buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and
explained his situation. The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have
anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except ... The Magic
Penis!"

The husband said, "The what?"

The man repeated, "The Magic Penis," and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!"

The man then pointed to the door and said, "Magic Penis, door!"

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.

Then the man said, "Magic Penis, return to box!" and the penis stopped and returned to the box. The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.

After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, "Magic Penis, my crotch."

The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me."

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, "Yeah right. Magic Penis, my ass!"

The rest, as they say, is history.

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Message: 3
Date: Sun, 14 Sep 2014 22:45:11 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Naval physical exam

At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his whole series of injections, asked for a glass of water.

"What's the matter, Mate?" asked the sick bay attendant. "Do you feel light-headed?"

"No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."

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Message: 4
Date: Sun, 14 Sep 2014 22:49:26 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: That's not it

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

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Message: 5
Date: Sun, 14 Sep 2014 21:22:57 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Geronimo!!

This guy joins the army and gets into an airborne unit. One day he is assigned to go on maneuvers behind enemy lines.

The jumpmaster tells him, "Listen up! Here's what you do: you jump out of the plane, wait 10 seconds, and pull the ripcord; the parachute opens. If it doesn't open, you pull the safety chute. Then you land in the wheat field. On the north side of the field is a big dead oak tree. You go over to it and get the bicycle that's placed there for you, and you pedal over to the farm house to meet up with the rest of your company. Got it?"

"Roger," says the guy, so when the plane is over the wheat field, he jumps. He waits 10 seconds and pulls the ripcord. The parachute doesn't open. He pulls the secondary chute, and it doesn't open either. Then he says to himself: "Rats! I can just imagine that the bicycle won't be there either!"

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Message: 6
Date: Mon, 15 Sep 2014 04:29:45 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: The Invisible Man

The Invisible Man came to dine.
He sat right to my left, which was fine.
But his rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenomenal?
And everyone thought they were mine!

Jokes about the Invisible Man are simply out of sight! Here they are .:


Oh, those jokes were written in invisible ink, but here's a little poem that's worth looking into:
If you put the Invisible Man
In a cage in a Monsters Museum,
The problem will turn out to be
That no one who comes there can see him!

HIS FAVORITES
favorite soup: vanishing cream of mushroom.
favorite drink: evaporated milk.
favorite game: Etch A Sketch. It makes images disappear.
favorite article of clothing: See-Through Panty Hose.
favorite letter of the alphabet: W. It turns here into where?

Excerpted from "The Invisible Man" from Richard Lederer's Monsters Unchained! (Marion Street Press 2014)

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Message: 7
Date: Mon, 15 Sep 2014 15:11:44 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: A grasshopper walks into a bar

A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"

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Message: 8
Date: Mon, 15 Sep 2014 09:35:55 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: YOU KNOW YOU'RE A TEACHER WHEN ...

- You wake up with text books on/in/or around your bed.
- Your nightmares consist of being unprepared to teach class.
- You correct the grammar and spelling on restaurant menus.
- You spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children.
- You know a hundred good reasons for being late.
- You sometimes refer to adults as "boys and girls".
- You've trained yourself to go to the bathroom at two distinct times of day: lunch and prep period.
- You raise your hand when the server at the restaurant asks if anyone would like water.
- You move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table.
- You say "I like the way you did that" to the mechanic who repairs your car.
- You ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car.
- You sing "The Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book.
- You cheer when you hear April 1st does not fall on a school day.
- You can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.
- You have been timed gulping down a full lunch in 2 minutes, 18 seconds. (NOTE: Master Teachers eat even faster)
- You ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends.
- You ask a quiet person at a party if he/she has something to share with the group.
- You have explained to a child that being a rock in the school play is an important role.
- You hand pieces of paper to your friends and make them spit out their gum in front of you.
- You believe "Unbelievably Annoying" should have its own box on the report card.
- You get a secret thrill out of laminating something.
- You fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a toll booth.

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Message: 9
Date: Mon, 15 Sep 2014 10:19:59 -0400
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Senior citizen fun

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing," I said. Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me" she said, and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do ... I signed up for five jumps a week."

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

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