The Humor List
 

Digest for Thursday, September 11, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Confidence (George Matyjewicz)
2. Your husband is suffering (Mickey)
3. STAR WAR RIDDLES (Sandy (AKA MsSam))
4. 72 virgins (Grady Lacy)
5. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)
6. 5 Years Later (Paul Benoit)
7. The lunch break (Maurizio Mariotti)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Thu, 11 Sep 2014 12:21:37 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Confidence

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm also the greatest pitcher in the world!"

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Message: 2
Date: Thu, 11 Sep 2014 07:32:41 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Your husband is suffering

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband's disorder will surely be terminal:

Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.

Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And, most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his strength and health."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're gonna die," she replied.

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 11 Sep 2014 11:31:47 -0700
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)
Subject: STAR WAR RIDDLES

Q: What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at the breakfast table?
A: "Use the fork, Luke."

Q: Why did the angry Jedi cross the road?
A: To get to the Dark Side

Q: How is Duct Tape like the Force?
A: It has a dark side, a light side and it binds the galaxy together.

Q: What do you call a potato that has turned to the Dark side?
A: Vader Tots.

Q: What do you call a Sith who won't fight?
A: A Sithy.

Q: What do you call 5 Siths piled on top of a light saber?
A: A Sith-Kabob

Q: What do you call a Jedi in denial?
A: Obi-Wan Cannot Be

Q: What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair?
A: Chocolate Chip Wookiee.

Q: What do you call the website Chewbacca started that gives out Empire secrets?
A: Wookieeleaks

Q: Why does Princess Leia keep her hair tied up in buns?
A: So it doesn't Hang Solow!?

Q: What do you call a Mexican Jedi?
A: Obi-Juan Kenobi

Q: What do you call a pirate droid?
A: Argh2-D2

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Message: 4
Date: Thu, 11 Sep 2014 16:32:07 -0400
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: 72 virgins <adultish>

A suicide bomber did his work and went to heaven, as foretold. When he met Allah, he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his prize, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.

Allah replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because idiots like you murdered them before they could experience sex. Since they're virgins, they're sexually ravenous; and you'll be on constant duty to appease them . And I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"

The bomber responded, "Bring them on. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied ?"

And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 12 Sep 2014 04:02:56 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

RIDDLES
Why did the tire have a nervous breakdown?
It just couldn't take that much pressure.

What would you call a cardboard belt?
A waist of paper

What is a shotgun wedding?
A case of wife or death.

What kind of bread do you get when you cross a deer and a lemon?
Sour Doe Bread (James Ertner)

You know that Herbie the Love Bug was a car from Germany, but what loving insect comes from Italy?
Rome Ants
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
- Charles Schultz became wealthy working for peanuts.
- A Texan's wife delivered a baby at 5 a.m. They named him Earl Lee.
- When he sold his royal crown, the king reduced his overhead.
- I'd tell you a joke about a cow, but I always butcher it.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

GROANERS & LONG JOKES
What can a wife say
If you mention his bald spot,
There's Hell toupee.
(John S. Crosbie)

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Message: 6
Date: Fri, 12 Sep 2014 07:56:50 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: 5 Years Later

Today is my daughter and her husband's 5th anniversary.

Recently, I asked my son-in-law how he's getting along in married life. He answered:

"I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention ..."

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Message: 7
Date: Fri, 12 Sep 2014 14:18:06 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: The lunch break

At their lunch break Pauly and Maury walk into a bar and sit down to eat their lunches.

The bartender says, ''Sorry, but you can't eat your own food in here.''

Pauly and Maury look at each other and swap lunches.

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