The Humor List
 

Digest for Tuesday, September 09, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Dinner (George Matyjewicz)
2. IF I'D HAD THE TIME, I'D WRITTEN MORE (Sandy (AKA MsSam))
3. Amish SPAM (Anna Welander)
4. The fools behind the screens (Anna Welander)
5. Abstinence (Topolski, Leonard P.)
6. The Amish are non-violent people (Mickey)
7. Adjectives <adult> (Lee Bradley)
8. THE REQUEST (Sandy (AKA MsSam))
9. Breaking News <disrespectful to Apple/adult> (Maurizio Mariotti)
10. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)
11. HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2064 (Paul Benoit)
12. The truth about blessing (Topolski, Leonard P.)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Tue, 9 Sep 2014 12:23:27 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Dinner

One evening an elderly man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife had served. "What did you marinate this in?" he asked.

His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc.

Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?"

She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!"

As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?"

Without hesitation, she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."

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Message: 2
Date: Tue, 9 Sep 2014 10:54:05 -0700
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)
Subject: IF I'D HAD THE TIME, I'D WRITTEN MORE

I heard the best time travel joke tomorrow.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
Time travel.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Whenever.

How many time travelers does it "four it's always four" take to screw in a light bulb?

A seminar on time travel will be held last Tuesday.

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Message: 3
Date: Tue, 9 Sep 2014 20:49:09 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Amish SPAM

My heart sank as I read the spam that began, "By opening this e- mail, you have activated the Amish computer virus." Then I realized that not only was my computer in jeopardy, so was my reputation, as it continued, "Since the Amish don't have computers, this works on the honor system. Please delete all your files."

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Message: 4
Date: Tue, 9 Sep 2014 20:51:46 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: The fools behind the screens

- Customer: "I have Microword Soft."
- Customer: "Microwave Windows?"
- Customer: "Will this upgrade include Microwave 97?"
- Customer: (Referring to Microsoft Defrag.) "I ran Microwave Defrost, but it didn't help."
- Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
- Customer: "I have Microscope Exploiter."
- Customer: "I have Netscape Complicator."
- Customer: "I have Netscape Regulator."
- Customer: "Uhh...I have Newscape and Outlook Exposure."
- Customer: "I use Outlook Explorer."
- Customer: "I have a US Robotics Sportscaster modem."
- Customer: "It's not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power hard drive."

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Message: 5
Date: Tue, 9 Sep 2014 14:50:41 -0500
From: Topolski, Leonard P.
Subject: Abstinence

"Doctor, can you tell me what I can do to keep from getting pregnant?"

"Why certainly, just eat peanut brittle."

"I love Peanut Brittle! Before or after?"

"Neither before nor after. Instead of!"

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Message: 6
Date: Tue, 9 Sep 2014 10:50:04 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: The Amish are non-violent people <political>

An Amish Farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.

The Amish Farmer shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Khe und die Schweine haben hineingeschissen!" Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and pigs have shit in it!"

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish."

"Speak English, Infidel!" The Amish Farmer shouts back in English: "Use two hands, you'll get more!"

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Message: 7
Date: Tue, 09 Sep 2014 16:50:46 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Adjectives <adult>

A couple, late at night, on the back road of the local cemetery:
"It is certainly dark tonight."
---"Yeah, it is."
"It certainly is scary out here."
---"Yeah, it is."
"It certainly is spooky!"
---"Yeah, it is."
"It certainly is eerie."
---"Yeah, it is."
"It certainly is frightful!"
---"Yeah, it is."
"It certainly is grewsome!
---"Yeah, it has."

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Message: 8
Date: Tue, 9 Sep 2014 23:30:11 -0700
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)
Subject: THE REQUEST

A young man at college in want of twenty-five dollars wrote to his uncle as follows: "Dear Uncle.-- If you could see how I blush for shame while I am writing, you would pity me. Do you know why? Because I have to ask you for a few dollars, and do not know how to express myself. It is impossible for me to tell you. I prefer to die. I send you this by messenger, who will wait for an answer. Believe me, my dearest uncle, your most obedient and affectionate nephew.

"P.S.-- Overcome with shame for what I have written, I have been running after the messenger in order to take the letter from him, but I cannot catch him. Heaven grant that something may happen to stop him, or that this letter may get lost."

The uncle was naturally touched, but was equal to the emergency. He replied as follows: "My Dear Jack -- Console yourself and blush no more. Providence has heard your prayers. The messenger lost your letter. Your affectionate uncle."

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Message: 9
Date: Wed, 10 Sep 2014 10:16:05 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Breaking News <disrespectful to Apple/adult>

Apple iDildo, a wearable computer device, instantly flops as consumers cannot compute while using the device for its primary purpose.

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Message: 10
Date: Wed, 10 Sep 2014 03:15:52 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

RIDDLES
How does Moses make his tea?
He brews.

Why were the Indians here first?
They had reservations.

Why was the expert in the pretzel factory fired?
He tried to straighten things out.

Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead?
She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.

Why do nuns walk on their heels?
To save their soles
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
- I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
- He's such a lousy drummer; they call it "repercussion!" (Ruby Harris)
- It's OK to talk to yourself. It's even OK to answer yourself. It's when you start asking yourself to repeat what you said that you have a problem!
- I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747. I said "Hi Jack." He shot me.
- One day my friend asked me, how do you take such good care of your saxophone. I responded with tenor, love and care.
++++++++++++++++

PUN SERIES - MIXED METAPHORS
- "Beware my friend, you're skating on hot water."
- "Keep your ear to the grindstone."
- "Sometimes you've gotta stick your neck out on a limb."
- "He swept the rug under the carpet."
- "She's burning the midnight oil at both ends."
- "He's up a tree without a paddle."
++++++++++++++++

GROANERS & LONG JOKES
Ancient Romans would follow decorum
At their meetings when they had a quorum.
They met once a week
For people to speak.
Weekly meetings were just enough forum.
(Kirk Miller)

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Message: 11
Date: Wed, 10 Sep 2014 07:31:30 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2064

- Ozone Created By Electric Cars Now Killing Millions In Mexifornia.
- Postal Service Raises Price Of First Class Stamp To $17.89 And Reduces Mail Delivery To Wednesdays Only.
- 85-Year $75.8 Billion Study: Diet And Exercise Is The Key To Weight Loss.
- Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
- Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
- Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 5 illegitimate children.
- New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060.
- IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

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Message: 12
Date: Wed, 10 Sep 2014 06:41:52 -0500
From: Topolski, Leonard P.
Subject: The truth about blessing

A Priest and a Rabbi, who have been the best of friends for years, were always arguing the finer points of their respective theologies, trying to prove the other one was wrong.

One day while they were riding in a car, they got cut off by a drunk driver.

The car flew off the road, rolled five times end-over-end, and came to rest on its roof. The Priest and Rabbi crawled from the wreckage and were amazed that they were alive.

As the Priest crossed himself, he noticed the Rabbi doing the same.

The Priest shouts, "Praise Be! You've seen the Light!"

"What?" said the Rabbi.

"You-you've crossed yourself. You have seen the True Way! This is wonderful."

"Cross myself?!? No, no, no! Not me, I was just checking if everything was still in place ... Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet and Watch."

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