The Humor List

Digest for Monday, September 08, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Canada's Top Ten List of Americas (USA) Stupidity <political> (George Matyjewicz)
2. First Drink With My Son (Emko Witteveen)
4. YAY!! (Paul Benoit)
5. Symptoms & Faults of drinking in Pubs (Maurizio Mariotti)

Message: 1
Date: Mon, 8 Sep 2014 12:23:31 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Canada's Top Ten List of America's (USA) Stupidity <political>

Can you blame them for writing this?

10) Only in America ... could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000.00 per plate campaign fund-raising event.

9) Only in America ... could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General and roughly 20% of the federal workforce is black while only 14% of the population is black 40+% of all federal entitlements goes to black Americans - 3X the rate that go to whites, 5X the rate that go to Hispanics!

8) Only in America ... could they have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner (the head of the Treasury Department) and Charles Rangel (who once ran the Ways and Means Committee), BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes.

7) Only in America ... can they have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media and liberals react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.

6) Only in America ... would they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege, while they discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just 'magically' become American citizens (probably should be number one).

5) Only in America ... could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country's Constitution be thought of as "extremists."

4) Only in America ... could you need to present a driver's license to cash a check, board an airplane or buy alcohol, but not to vote.

3) Only in America ... could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. Oil company (MarathonOil) averages 12% profit and they take all the risk and the US government takes by force 18.4% to 24.4% in gas tax for taking zero risk and doing absolutely nothing for that revenue other than creating a law to force the oil companies to give it to them. So the government makes 6% to 12% more profit than the oil companies themselves on gas sales for doing absolutely nothing but using force.

2) Only in America ... could the government collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, still spend a Trillion dollars more than it has per year - for total spending of $7-Million PER MINUTE, and the left complains that it still doesn't have nearly enough money for all their programs.

And 1) Only in America ... could the so called "rich people" who pay 86% of all income taxes - be accused of not paying their "fair share" by people who don't pay any income taxes at all.

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Message: 2
Date: Mon, 08 Sep 2014 10:46:07 -0600
From: Emko Witteveen
Subject: First Drink With My Son

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink. Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house. I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Coors and the Bud. By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey, I could hardly push the stroller back home.

With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.

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Message: 3
Date: Tue, 9 Sep 2014 03:30:37 -0700
From: Stan Kegel

Why did the teacher take diving lessons?
She wanted to work as a sub.

Why did the comedian tell jokes to the eggs?
He wanted to crack them up.

Why are jazz musicians so sweet?
Because they play in jam sessions.

Why did the king go to the dentist?
To get his teeth crowned.

How long cows should be milked?
The same as short ones.

- If the president of Russia stood on a cracker, he'd be Putin on the Ritz. (Richard Lederer)
- Repairing cracks in the faces on Mount Rushmore is a monumental job.
- Ski vacations start on a high but go downhill from there.
- The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
- The problem with dating a chick who is a Cyclops is you always feel like she's got her eye on you.

- Blessed are the pediatricians, for they shall be like children.
- Blessed are the neurologists, for they shall have a lot of nerve.
- Blessed are the obstetricians, for their labors shall not be in vain.
- Blessed are the ophthalmologists, for they shall not be shortsighted.
- Blessed are the plastic surgeons, for they shall put a whole new face on things.
- Blessed are the orthopedists for they shalt have a leg to stand on.
- Blessed are the cardiologists, for they shall have a lot of heart.

There's a rumor I recently heard
That is false; it is simply absurd.
It says sellers of glue
Change their stories; untrue
'Cause glue salesmen will stick to their word.
(Kirk Miller)

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Message: 4
Date: Tue, 9 Sep 2014 07:39:44 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: YAY!!

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,
I like sleeping with the fan on and pretending that the sound is a vast, distant crowd cheering me on all night.

- The Old Perfesser

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Message: 5
Date: Tue, 09 Sep 2014 14:47:01 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Symptoms & Faults of drinking in Pubs

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to satisfy and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks hideous.
FAULT: Either you haven't had enough to drink, or they've flipped on the lights for last call.

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert