The Humor List
 

Digest for Thursday, September 04, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Three Preachers (George Matyjewicz)
2. Over and done with! (Anna Welander)
3. Dog Property Rules (Anna Welander)
4. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)
5. Definitions (Maurizio Mariotti)
6. Academic Papers (Paul Benoit)
7. Loving relationship (Grady Lacy)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Thu, 4 Sep 2014 12:22:44 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Three Preachers

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended, "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted, "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

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Message: 2
Date: Thu, 4 Sep 2014 21:35:24 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Over and done with!

The best thing about being over 40 is that we did our stupid stuff BEFORE the Internet.

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 4 Sep 2014 21:42:45 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Dog Property Rules

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 5 Sep 2014 01:03:36 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

RIDDLES
What has a head, can't think, but drives?
A hammer

What did Paul Revere say when he finished his famous ride?
"Whoa!".

Why did doctors gave up bloodletting long ago?
Because it was all in vein.

What do you call a referee from Italy?
The Roman umpire.

What type of reference book is best to find information about drug dependency?
Addictionary
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
The baby was born in the family tree.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
The origami artist won the court case because he was good with paperwork.
I had a novel idea for a new book but got in a bind so I shelved it. It's time to start a new chapter now.
In 1902 the first gum factory opened. An employee fell into a vat, and his boss chewed him out.
++++++++++++++++

PUN SERIES - THE HISTORY OF MEDICINE
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2014 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.
++++++++++++++++

GROANERS & LONG JOKES
When the man goes outside, he will stroll
Up to people with only one goal:
To conduct a survey
To find out what folks say
'Bout the arctic. It's called a North Poll.
(Kirk Miller)

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 05 Sep 2014 12:54:13 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Definitions <adult>

Pro bono: Professional work undertaken voluntarily and without remuneration.
Pro boner: When you take Viagra.

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Message: 6
Date: Fri, 5 Sep 2014 07:39:51 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Academic Neologisms

www.phdcomics.com
HACKADEMIC - Dodgy Results
LACKADEMIC - Omits Crucial Results
SLACKADEMIC - Lazy Discussion Of Results
QUACKADEMIC - Invented Results
WHACKYDEMIC - Bizarre Results
ATTACKADEMIC - Agressive Dismissal Of Other People's Results
VACADEMIC - Summer "Vacation" Paper
TACKYDEMIC - Too Much Sales Pitch, Not Enough Results
TRACKADEMIC - Who Cares About Results As Long As It Increases My Paper Count

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Message: 7
Date: Fri, 5 Sep 2014 10:28:30 -0400
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Loving relationship

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hand.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received.

Here are some of the replies:
1.Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the ___ did you do now?
7. You're kidding, right?
8. Don't beat about the bush; just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
(And my favorite)
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

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