The Humor List

Digest for Saturday, August 31, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. The Librarian <adult> (Emko Witteveen)
2. I Almost Became A Doctor (Mickey)
3. Work Wisdoms and Laws (Anna Welander)
4. Shoe Sense (George Matyjewicz)
6. Buying a beer (Maurizio Mariotti)
7. Working On Labor Day? (Paul Benoit)
8. No Cutting Remarks (Stan Kegel)

Message: 1
Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2014 10:05:05 -0600
From: Emko Witteveen
Subject: The Librarian <adult>

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one."

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Message: 2
Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2014 07:09:57 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: I Almost Became A Doctor

When I was young I decided to go to Medical School. At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered spine are doctors today while the rest of us are sending jokes via email.

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Message: 3
Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2014 21:16:45 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Work Wisdoms and Laws

- Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
- The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
- Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
- Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

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Message: 4
Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2014 18:55:02 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Shoe Sense

One evening Mick drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

Later that night the Mick and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly, he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

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Message: 5
Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2014 17:04:24 -0700
From: Sandy \(AKA MsSam\)

If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline. You're all in the same boat on Lutheran Air, where flying is an uplifting experience. There is no First Class on any Lutheran Air flight. Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls, 7-15 bring a salad, 16-21 a main dish, and 22-30 a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by freewill offering and the plane will not land until the budget is met. Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you with the safety system aboard this Lutheran Air 599. Okay then, listen up: I'm only gonna say this once. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so will Captain Olson because we fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably indicate the Second Coming or something of that nature, and I wouldn't bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger things to worry about than that. Just stuff those back up in their little holes.

Probably the masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest with you, we're going to have quite a bit of at 2000 feet ... sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

In the event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying the Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to the part about forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us, which some people say, "trespass against us," which isn't right, but what can you do?

The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because they may interfere with the plane's navigational system, which is seat of the pants all the way ... no, it's because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mouth on the side of your head. We're going to start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with the coffee pot up front. Then we'll have the hymn sing ... hymnals in the seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours with you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kidding!

Right now I'll say Grace ... "Come Lord Jesus be our guest and let these gifts to us be blest. Father, Son and Holy Ghost, may we land in Duluth or pretty close. Amen."

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Message: 6
Date: Mon, 01 Sep 2014 11:45:56 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Buying a beer

A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."

The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."

The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."

The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.

Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."

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Message: 7
Date: Mon, 1 Sep 2014 08:05:00 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Working On Labor Day?

Everything I Need To Know I Learned From Corporate America
- Indecision is the key to flexibility.
- You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
- There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
- Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
- Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
- The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
- The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
- Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
- I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
- If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
- By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
- The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
- The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
- No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
- Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing something, or nothing.
- This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.

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Message: 8
Date: Mon, 1 Sep 2014 05:32:55 -0700
From: Stan Kegel

During the French Revolution, all captured agents and suspected agents were brought to Maximilien Robespierre, the idealist revolutionary whose passion and ardor went too far. He became, perhaps, the man most responsible for the Reign of Terror. His was always the last word as to whether a person was to be beheaded.

During those frightening days, a particular count was suspected of continuing to adhere to his traditional, noble activities. Such activities were not in the spirit of the democratic French Revolution, and this count was brought before Robespierre and accused of being a spy. The revolutionaries were certain he had vital information, but nothing they did caused him to reveal it.

They interrogated him unmercifully-morning, noon, and night-but he still would not talk. They threatened to lock him in a horrible prison, with only darkness and vermin for companionship. Still, he would not talk or confess. Desperate to try anything to get the vital information they knew he held, they threatened him with torture and the torture of his family. The brave and stalwart count refused to divulge any information. Finally, they brought him to the guillotine and showed him the horrors of that device. The courageous count said nothing. He wouldn't squeal on anybody.

The revolutionary authorities had no choice. They tied him up beneath the guillotine, placed his head on the block, and dropped the blade. At that precise moment the count gave in, screamed for mercy, and said he would talk and tell all. Alas, it was too late. The blade had begun its inexorable journey downward, the count's head was severed, and his information lost forever. When Robespierre heard this, he was livid. He screamed at the executioners: "Mon Dieu! Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken!"

"No Cutting Remarks" from "Punning For Your Life" by Theodore A Brett ((c) 2002)

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert