The Humor List

Digest for Thursday, August 29, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Seeing Eye Dog (George Matyjewicz)
2. Men Jokes (Mickey)
3. Drinks (Anna Welander)
4. Irish Pub Toast <adultish> (Maurizio Mariotti)
5. Glad to be drunk (Anna Welander)
6. All out of Anesthesia (Anna Welander)
7. Need a better excuse (Anna Welander)
8. Texas Attitude <political> (Richard Nehrbass)
9. Hmm, Let Me See ... (Paul Benoit)

Message: 1
Date: Fri, 29 Aug 2014 12:30:54 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Seeing Eye Dog

A man is walking his dog and passes a little restaurant. The cooking smells are so tempting, he decides he would like to stop for lunch, but the sign says no animals are permitted.

After a couple of moment's thought, he decided to brazen it out. He puts on a pair of sunglasses, walks into the restaurant with his dog on a leash and asks to be seated. The waiter says, "I am sorry sir, but we do not permit animals in the restaurant."

The man says, "But I'm blind and this is my seeing eye dog."

The waiter responds skeptically, "Your seeing eye dog? Sir, that dog is a Chihuahua."

The man responds, "A Chihuahua! They gave me a Chihuahua?"

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Message: 2
Date: Fri, 29 Aug 2014 07:32:33 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Men Jokes

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, 'Notre Dame!'

And they say blondes are dumb.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you.'

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.


Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world ... then He made the earth round, and laughed and laughed and laughed.

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Message: 3
Date: Fri, 29 Aug 2014 20:02:23 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Drinks

At a restaurant, my Army National Guard company commander noticed a couple of Marines going into the adjoining dining room. He called the waitress over and, with patriotic feeling, told her, "Buy those Marines in there a drink on me!"

The waitress left to take their order, and a loud cheer was heard. A whole platoon of Marines was in the next room. My company commander had a bar bill of $164 and 44 new friends.

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Message: 4
Date: Sat, 30 Aug 2014 10:26:21 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Irish Pub Toast <adultish>

At the Pub, John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night ! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said," John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."

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Message: 5
Date: Sat, 30 Aug 2014 12:40:09 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Glad to be drunk

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

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Message: 6
Date: Sat, 30 Aug 2014 12:42:03 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: All out of Anesthesia

A dentist ran out of anesthesia just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled. He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.

It all happened in an instant.

The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.

Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"

The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"

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Message: 7
Date: Sat, 30 Aug 2014 12:48:13 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Need a better excuse?

Johnny Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided to drive me to the train station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river. Look, my suit is still damp. Then I ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

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Message: 8
Date: Sat, 30 Aug 2014 04:12:58 -0700
From: Richard Nehrbass
Subject: Texas Attitude <political>

One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin . As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' to jump.

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump! Think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."

He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, then you just remember the Alamo, son ."

He replied, ''What's the Alamo?''

She replied, "Well, bless your heart! You just go ahead and jump, you little Yankee Obama-lovin' Democrat bastard. You're holding up traffic."

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Message: 9
Date: Sat, 30 Aug 2014 07:54:37 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Hmm, Let Me See ...



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