The Humor List
 

Digest for Tuesday, August 27, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Sound Reasoning (George Matyjewicz)
2. Sex In The Shower <adult/racist> (Mickey)
3. Modern Medicine (Topolski, Leonard P.)
4. The Jewish Quarterback (Richard Nehrbass)
5. Restaurants (Paul Benoit)
6. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)
7. The Lord giveth (Maurizio Mariotti)
8. His and her haircut (Anna Welander)
9. Ten Ways to Amuse A Geek (Emko Witteveen)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2014 13:10:54 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Sound Reasoning

As a 7th grade biology teacher, I was teaching my class about the flow of blood in the body.

After my lecture I asked the class the following: "Why is it that if I would turn upside down, my face would turn red since the blood would flow to my head, but when I stand upright my feet don't turn red?"

I was taken aback when a boy blurted out, "That's cuz your feet ain't empty!"

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2014 11:18:47 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Sex In The Shower <adult/racist>

In a recent survey, African-Americans have proven to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.

The survey was carried out by a leading soap and toiletries firm. The results revealed that 86% of African-Americans said that they have had sex in the shower. The remaining 14% said they haven't been to prison yet.

Sort of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it.....

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2014 17:56:37 -0500
From: Topolski, Leonard P.
Subject: Modern Medicine

St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates: "For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.

St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.

Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says. "I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up and rings the bell.

St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the bell?"

"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.

"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks.

"They keep resuscitating me," he replies.

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Message: 4
Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2014 16:42:40 -0700
From: Richard Nehrbass
Subject: The Jewish Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then, one night while watching Fox News he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!!

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Message: 5
Date: Thu, 28 Aug 2014 07:33:41 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Restaurants

Betcha this restaurant didn't make it:
THE KARMA CAFE
We don't have a menu. We give you just what you deserve.

Betcha this one didn't either:
NO SENIOR CITIZEN DISCOUNTS
You have had twice as long to get the money!

Betcha this one did, though:
Soup Of The Day: TEQUILA

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Message: 6
Date: Thu, 28 Aug 2014 04:44:56 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

RIDDLES
What did the dirt say to the rain?
"If this keeps up, my name will be mud." (Stan Kegel)

What did one pig say to the other pig?
"Let's be pen pals."

What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables?
They gruesome.

What did God tell Moses to take for his headache?
Two Tablets!

Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player?
Because love means nothing to him
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
* Those who make sponges get very absorbed in their work.
* Running around your yard for thousands of miles would be quite a feet.
* The admiral's motto was, 'Do it schooner, not later!' (Mike Bull)
* I chose my gastroenterologist based on my gut feeling.
* The surgeon failed to repair his own ruptured pericardium because his heart wasn't in it.
++++++++++++++++

PUN SERIES - TOM SWIFTIES
* "I prefer boxers," Tom mentioned briefly.
* "We have six newborn kittens," Ton said litterally. (Stan Kegel)
* "My electric skillet has stopped working," tom said dead-pan.
* "I've lost my trousers," tom said expansively.
* "My stereo's finally fixed," said Tom ecstatically
* "Ships ahoy," said Tom fleetingly.
++++++++++++++++

GROANERS & LONG JOKES
The huge rock had a daughter, cajoled her.
"You should be more outgoing," he told her.
To her dad she did say,
"I'm improving each day.
You can see I'm a little boulder."
(Kirk Miller)

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Message: 7
Date: Thu, 28 Aug 2014 14:33:35 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: The Lord giveth

* When the Lord gave out brains, I thought he said trains and I missed mine.
* When he gave out looks, I thought he said books, and I didn't want any.
* When he gave out noses, I thought he said Four Roses, and I ordered a big one.
* When he gave out legs, I thought he said kegs, and I ordered two fat ones.
* When he gave out ears, I thought he said beers, and I ordered two long ones.
* When the Lord gave out chins, I thought he said gins, and I said "Give me a double."

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Message: 8
Date: Thu, 28 Aug 2014 16:21:40 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: His and her haircut

Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.

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Message: 9
Date: Thu, 28 Aug 2014 09:11:20 -0600
From: Emko Witteveen
Subject: Ten Ways to Amuse A Geek

01. Make a list of the top 10 ways to amuse a geek.
10. Use binary
++++++++++++++++

I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.

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