The Humor List
 

Digest for Sunday, August 25, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Direct Object (George Matyjewicz)
2. The Haircut (Mickey)
3. Drafting old guys! <long> (Grady Lacy)
4. News Flash <stereotyping> (Mickey)
5. T.O.P. in hospital (Maurizio Mariotti)
6. Well, Whoop-De-Doo <language> (Paul Benoit)
7. GODIZILLA (Stan Kegel)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Mon, 25 Aug 2014 12:11:42 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Direct Object

Teacher to class: "Give me a sentence with a direct object."

Student: "Everybody thinks our teacher is beautiful."

Teacher: "Why, thank you. But what is the direct object?"

Student: "A good report card."

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Message: 2
Date: Mon, 25 Aug 2014 08:00:54 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

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Message: 3
Date: Mon, 25 Aug 2014 20:22:31 -0400
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: Drafting old guys! <long>

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

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Message: 4
Date: Mon, 25 Aug 2014 20:28:27 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: News Flash <stereotyping>

AP Dateline: Ferguson Missouri:
It was announced today that rioters looted the Pay-less Shoe Store last night.

This morning the manager of that store announced he was relieved to find not a single pair of work boots was stolen.

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Message: 5
Date: Tue, 26 Aug 2014 10:08:41 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: T.O.P. in hospital <language>

The Old Perfesser has a minor operation and is recovering well in hospital.

In the morning, he tells the nurse, "You know, I have two a**holes."

The nurse, unperturbed by the language, equably replies, "I don't think you do."

"Yes, I do," insists T.O.P. "Turn around and you'll see my nephew Pauly and Maury who have come to visit me."

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Message: 6
Date: Tue, 26 Aug 2014 07:09:09 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Well, Whoop-De-Doo' <language>

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,
If words had personalities, "vinaigrette" would definitely be a pretentious little bitch.

- The Old Perfesser

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Message: 7
Date: Tue, 26 Aug 2014 04:21:15 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: GODZILLA

Godzilla stories are tall tales. Godzilla jokes may be over your head, but they're head and shoulders above all other jokes, and they give you something to look up to:

What do you get when you cross King Kong with a humongous Asian monster?
A Godzilla Gorilla.

What do you get when you cross Godzilla with a kangaroo?
A lot of big potholes in the Tokyo streets.

What do you get when you cross a Godzilla with a witch?
A dino-sorceress, and she would need a pretty big broomstick.

What do you get when you cross Godzilla with another witch?
Tyrannosaurus hex.

What do you get when you cross Godzilla with a witch's black cat?
Whatever it is, I don't want to be the one who cleans its litter box.

What do you get when you cross Godzilla with a parrot?
A lot of big talk.

What do you get when you cross Godzilla with a vampire?
A really big sucker.

What do you get when you cross Godzilla with a munchkin?
A chameleon that crushes ants.

What do you get when you cross Godzilla with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.

What do you get when you cross Godzilla with a termite?
Dinomite.

What do you get when you cross Godzilla with a black cat?
A monster that makes you very nervous when it crosses your path.

Excerpted from "Godzolla" from Richard Lederer's "Monsters Unchained!"
(Marion Street Press 2014)

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