The Humor List
 

Digest for Saturday, August 24, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. It Will Cost You (George Matyjewicz)
2. Traffic Control in Atlanta (Lanny Julian)
3. The Late, Great Kim Jong II (Phil G)
4. Celebrating (Richard Nehrbass)
5. MATH & SCIENCE (Paul Benoit)
6. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Sun, 24 Aug 2014 13:10:06 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: It Will Cost You

A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter - yelling and using foul language. However, the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her.

When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, "Does that happen often? I can't believe how nice you were to him."

The agent smiled and said, "No problem, I took care of it. He's going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok."

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Message: 2
Date: Sun, 24 Aug 2014 14:52:05 -0400
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: Traffic Control in Atlanta

Southerners can be so polite.

Atlanta Tower: "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta Tower: " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta . We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L - Allah is Great."

Pause....

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA TOWER - ATLANTA TOWER !"
Atlanta Tower: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511.."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE! INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"

Atlanta Tower: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all go on ahead now and tell Allah "hey" for us."

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Message: 3
Date: Sun, 24 Aug 2014 16:13:08 -0400
From: Phil G
Subject: The Late, Great Kim Jong II

During golf season, we are reminded of the greatest golfer of them all.

(From Cybergolf)
In the 1990s...the late dictator, then 50 (or 53) years old, set a golfing standard that will assuredly never be surpassed. It occurred at the grand opening of the Pyongyang Golf Complex, which contains North Korea's only 18-hole golf course.

After picking up a golf club that day for the very first time in his life, the Dear Leader of the Democratic People's Republic of North Korea fired a 38-under-par round of 34 at Pyongyang. According to the 17 security guards who observed the performance, the score included an amazing 11 aces ... But such unparalleled play on a golf course...is not surprising...Kim also had the ability to influence the weather based on his mood; had a five-foot-two-inch body that didn't require him to defecate; and was blessed with an ability to drink incredible amounts of Hennessey cognac which, at $630 a bottle, made him the company's No. 1 customer, worldwide, over the past decade."

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Message: 4
Date: Sun, 24 Aug 2014 16:46:22 -0700
From: Richard Nehrbass
Subject: Celebrating

Husband takes the wife to a Club. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people ... the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

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Message: 5
Date: Mon, 25 Aug 2014 07:42:34 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: MATH & SCIENCE

Dear Math,
Stop asking us to find your X. She's not coming back, and we don't know Y.
++++++++++++++++

"I'm so hard right now." - Math
++++++++++++++++

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And then doesn't.
++++++++++++++++

We've all wanted to kill a cat for being an asshole.
That's why you never hear about Schrodinger's dog.

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Message: 6
Date: Mon, 25 Aug 2014 04:51:41 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

RIDDLES
What is it called when your pet rabbit is grumpy?
A bad hare day

What did the carpet say to the floor?
I've got you covered.

What do you call two thousand songbirds?
Two Kilo mockingbirds (Richard Lederer)

What do you get when you cross a policeman with a telegram?
Copper wire (Stan Kegel)

What did Ben Franklin say when he discovered electricity?
"I'm shocked!"
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
* Two friends should never do puzzles together. There's always the danger it might lead to crosswords.
* Exercise and diet are the best was to fight hazardous waists.
* The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
* A male snake charmer married a female undertaker. Their bath towels said 'Hiss' and 'Hearse.'
* A fellow was surprised his sister hadn't been invited to her next- door neighbor's party, but she knew why. She explained, "I'm too square for their circle!"
++++++++++++++++

PUN SERIES - MORE RULES OF WRITING
* Watch out for irregular verbs which have crope into our language.
* A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
* When dangling, don't use participles.
* About sentence fragments.
* Use of the passive voice is to be avoided.
* Don't write a run-on sentence you have to punctuate it.
++++++++++++++++

GROANERS & LONG JOKES
TV weatherman, guy who's named Chase,
Shows emotion and seems to embrace
Threats of rain, wind, and hail,
Which he never does fail
To predict with a big, stormy face.
(Kirk Miller)

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