The Humor List

Digest for Thursday, August 22, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. One Step, Two Steps! (And then...) (Anna Welander)
2. Salary Theorem (George Matyjewicz)
3. Hypnosis <adult> (Maurizio Mariotti)
4. How It Went Down (Paul Benoit)
5. Why are you asking?? (Anna Welander)
6. The Parrot <adultish> (Emko Witteveen)

Message: 1
Date: Fri, 22 Aug 2014 19:51:45 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: One Step, Two Steps! (And then...)

The night was cold and stormy
And lightning lit the sky
I hovered in nice warm bed
No one was home ...
but old sleepy head, and I

The wind was whipping all around
It sounded like a scream
I wished that I was sound asleep
And this was but a dream.

The shutters on the house did creak
And I covered up my head
Do you think I would be safer
If I crawled beneath the bed?

And then the nightmare did begin
As I heard a scary sound
One step...two steps..on the stairs
My eyes were huge and round!

Three steps ... four steps ... closer now
I shivered and I shook The only
weapon close to me
Was just a scary book!

I braced myself for what might be
My blankets I held tight
I whispered Lord, help me now
And I prayed with all my might.

Five steps ... six steps ... closer now
The thing approached my door
I could not stand it any longer
And from my bed I tore!

And then a voice I thought I knew
Whispered in the gloom
"I'm home now Mom, go back to sleep,
I'm going to my room!"

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Message: 2
Date: Fri, 22 Aug 2014 13:55:07 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Salary Theorem

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

The less you know, the more you make.

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Message: 3
Date: Sat, 23 Aug 2014 11:25:37 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Hypnosis <adult>

A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate. So decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch.

Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them too. Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week. Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each. The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch.

"F**k!" He can't help saying.

The congregation had an orgy for seven hours.

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Message: 4
Date: Sat, 23 Aug 2014 06:44:51 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: How It Went Down

Cop: "Please step out of the car."
Me: "I'm too drunk, could you get in?"

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Message: 5
Date: Sat, 23 Aug 2014 16:19:48 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Why are you asking??

*** Comebacks to the age old question: "Why aren't you married yet?" ***

* You haven't asked yet.
* I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
* What? And spoil my great life?
* Because I just love hearing this question.
* It gives my mother something to live for.
* My fiance is awaiting parole.
* I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss America.
* I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
* It didn't seem worth a blood test.
* I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
* I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
* What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
* I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
* Why aren't you thin?
* I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

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Message: 6
Date: Sat, 23 Aug 2014 09:35:19 -0600
From: Emko Witteveen
Subject: The Parrot <adultish>

A lady walks into a pet store and she sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO. The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?"

The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things."

The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is, "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing.

Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says, "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.

A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says, "Hey Jim!"

Shortest distance between two jokes?
A straight line.

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert