The Humor List
 

Digest for Tuesday, August 20, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Ron's Revenge (George Matyjewicz)
2. Really bad sports jokes (Anna Welander)
3. Dis-Inspirationals (Anna Welander)
4. More Dis-Inspirationals (Anna Welander)
5. Oh Those Brits ( adult) (Mickey)
6. A true Scot (Mickey)
7. So, I'm Getting This Feeling (Paul Benoit)
8. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)
9. Tactics (Topolski, Leonard P.)
10. New to America (Maurizio Mariotti)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Wed, 20 Aug 2014 12:23:17 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Ron's Revenge

Ron just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when he cut off a truck driver. The trucker motioned for Ron to pull over. When he did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told Ron to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to Ron's new car and cut up the leather seats. When the truck driver turned around Ron had a slight grin on his face.

"Oh, you think that's funny?" the trucker asked, "Watch this." He got a baseball bat out of his truck and broke every window in the car. When he turned and looked Ron had a smile on his face. This drove the driver into a rage.

He got his knife back out and sliced all the tires. Now Ron was laughing.The truck driver really started to lose it. He went back to his truck and got a can of gas, poured it on the sports car and set it on fire. He turned around and Ron was laughing so hard he almost fell down.

"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked him.

Ron replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle four times."

PS Had to be a blonde

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 20 Aug 2014 20:43:17 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Really bad sports jokes

How do fireflies start a race?
On your mark, get set, glow!

What does the winner of a track meet always lose?
His breath.

Which vampire won the race?
Neither. They ran neck and neckl.

What runs with you, then lies under your bed with its tongue hanging out?
Your sneaker.

Where do trains race?
At a track meet.

What's the best way to win a race?
Run faster than anybody else.

What school subject do runners like best?
Jography

What kind of umpires live in the North Pole?
Cold ones.

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 20 Aug 2014 20:46:50 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Dis-Inspirationals

- We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick.
- If at first you don't succeed, try management.
- Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
- The beatings will continue until morale improves.
- Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.
- If at first you don't succeed, delegate it.
- Plagiarism saves time.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

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Message: 4
Date: Wed, 20 Aug 2014 20:48:42 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: More Dis-Inspirationals

- There is no "I" in "teamwork"... But there is in "management kiss-up".
- If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
- The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
- Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
- If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.
- Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings... they did it by killing all those who oppose them.
- We put the "k" in "kwality".
- 2 days without a human rights violation.
- Your job is STILL better than asking "You want fries with that?"

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Message: 5
Date: Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:18:26 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Oh Those Brits (adult)

In the sleepy village of Erbum, in the town of Tillet, Hertfordshire lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes. She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn.

Her mail is addressed:
LINDA LYKES
THE COCK INN
ERBUM
TILLET, HERTS.

The Post Office still laughs with every delivery!

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Message: 6
Date: Wed, 20 Aug 2014 19:36:15 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: A true Scot

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant. "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being a kind hearted Scotsman, he thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"

So, they walked past it again.

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Message: 7
Date: Thu, 21 Aug 2014 07:10:54 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: So, I'm Getting This Feeling

TOP FIVE HINTS THE BOSS REALLY DOESN'T LIKE YOU
- Tim Hunter, wackyweek.com

1. Every year on his taxes, writes off your salary as a loss
2. Only one not invited to the company picnic--again
3. He recently gave you a "Congratulations for being passed over for a promotion for the 1,000th time" card
4. You hear him often use the phrase, "the (your first name) problem"
5. Refers to you as "Mr. Next to Go"

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Message: 8
Date: Thu, 21 Aug 2014 04:33:34 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

RIDDLES
Why is 6 scared of 7
Because 7 8 9

Where do trains race?
At a track meet.

Why does a lion kneel before it springs?
Because it is preying (Stan Kegel)

What do they call a physiotherapist in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.

What does a frog do when its car breaks down?
It gets toad!
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
* Horses may get into the movies, but they're usually saddled with the bit parts.
* "Try some of my Marathon Chili." "Why do you call it Marathon Chili?" "After you eat it you run all day." (Crock: Rechin & Wilder)
* College bred is a four-year loaf made out of the old man's dough.
* "Waiter, I'm just wondering, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.
* I named my racehorse " Raspberry Ice" because he's a sherbet.
* When a fully loaded tractor trailer overturned near our small city, the local newspaper ran a photo of the rig and 48,000 pounds of lumber strewn across the roadway. The caption read: "How much wood can a wood truck chuck?"
++++++++++++++++

PUN SERIES - JOBS
* I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.
* I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.
* I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
* I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
* I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.
* I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.
++++++++++++++++

GROANERS & LONG JOKES
Mary had a little lamb
She fed it kerosene
The little lamb sat near a fire
Since then she's not benzene
(Lederer & Ertner)

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Message: 9
Date: Thu, 21 Aug 2014 06:33:16 -0500
From: Topolski, Leonard P.
Subject: Tactics

Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."

"No," replied Tommy, "but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without me asking."

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Message: 10
Date: Thu, 21 Aug 2014 14:20:41 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: New to America

Maury is new to America. On a weekend, he decided to go and see the Statue of Liberty. Driving carefully on his rented car, he finally sees a sign that reads, "Statue of Liberty Left."

So he turns his car around and goes home.

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