The Humor List
 

Digest for Sunday, August 18, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Sons in College (George Matyjewicz)
2. Assorted Humor (Mickey)
3. The Waitress <gross> (Maurizio Mariotti)
4. Pickles (Paul Benoit)
5. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Mon, 18 Aug 2014 12:24:45 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Sons in College

Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet"?

"Two days ago."

"Hmm. Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be an engineer. What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college"?

"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."

"No, I mean what's he taking in college"?

"He's taking every penny I make."

"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough"?

"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."

"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all"?

"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him!"

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Message: 2
Date: Mon, 18 Aug 2014 10:47:45 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Assorted Humor

An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.

Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free.

After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.

All of them gave the same reply, "What trip?"
++++++++++++++++

Dear Mother-in-law,
"Don't teach me how to handle my children. I'm living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement."
++++++++++++++++

Husband was throwing knives at his wife's picture. All the knives were missing the target!

Suddenly he received a call from her, "Hi, what are you doing?"

His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."
++++++++++++++++

A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?

Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.
++++++++++++++++

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife. Natural disasters just happen.

++++++++++++++++

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you !
++++++++++++++++

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

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Message: 3
Date: Tue, 19 Aug 2014 12:36:50 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: The Waitress <gross>

A married couple go to a fast food joint. A waitress takes their order and returns several minutes later, carrying a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it.

The man asks, "Where's the burger?"

The waitress lifts her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit. "I was keeping it warm," she replies.

The wife says, "Please cancel my hot dog order."

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Message: 4
Date: Tue, 19 Aug 2014 07:37:38 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Pickles

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,
Pickles are just perfectly good cucumbers soaked in evil.

- The Old Perfesser

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Message: 5
Date: Tue, 19 Aug 2014 05:47:12 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

RIDDLES
Why did the hunter stop hunting grizzly bears with his club?
The club membership fees got too high.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because he felt crummy.

What did the policeman say to his chest?
"You are under a vest."

How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
In blood vessels

What did the scarf say to the hat?
"You go on a head, I'll hang around for a while."
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
* A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor, I think I'm shrinking." The doctor answered, "Be a little patient."
* Tubeless is a product of tireless effort! (Mike Bull)
* My suitcase has a projection by which it may be carried or fixed in place, but I can't discern how old it is -- No, I do not know the lug age. (Cynthia MacGregor}
* Swimmers have to be careful not to get into deep trouble
* For Halloween I carved the face of a wild animal in my pumpkin to make a jackal lantern. (Gary Hallock)
++++++++++++++++

WORDPLAY-ANAGRAMS (Rearrange the first capitalized words to get the second)
* My son in college is a slob. His DORMITORY is always such a DIRTY ROOM.
* When the ELECTION RESULTS come in, people on the losing side often cry out, "LIES! LET'S RECOUNT!"
* Every morning I use the SNOOZE ALARMS. And every morning it's always the same: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S.
* My son wants to be an ASTRONOMER. Every night he's looking up at the sky. He's a MOON STARER.
* The people who head up the PRESBYTERIAN church claim their house of worship is BEST IN PRAYER.
++++++++++++++++

GROANERS & LONG JOKES
There was a farmer named, Charlie
Who tilled the ground on his Harley.
His dig was a flop
Yielding no crop
'Cept for some grain, but just barley.
(Doug Spector)

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