The Humor List

Digest for Saturday, August 17, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Correction (George Matyjewicz)
2. Who's Afraid of the Devil? (Lanny Julian)
3. Aptronyms (Stan Kegel)
4. It's Almost "Schools Open" Time Again!! (Paul Benoit)
5. Q&A du jour <adult> (Maurizio Mariotti)

Message: 1
Date: Sun, 17 Aug 2014 12:20:09 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Correction

On the first day back in school, the English teacher wrote on the blackboard. "I ain't had no fun all summer."

"Now Paul." she said to a student. "What shall I do to correct this?"

"Get a boyfriend." Paul replied.

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Message: 2
Date: Sun, 17 Aug 2014 21:22:38 -0400
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: Who's Afraid of the Devil?

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?' The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't,' said the cowboy.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan. 'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan. 'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan. 'Nope,' said the old cowboy.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?' The old cowboy calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

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Message: 3
Date: Mon, 18 Aug 2014 01:35:40 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject:  Aptronyms

Bolt. The fastest man in the world at the time this book was published is the electrifying Usain Bolt. Louis Jean and Auguste Marie Lumiere created the first movies that told stories. In French, Lumiere means "light."

Names such as Bolt and Lumiere that are especially suited to the profession or a characteristic of their owners are called aptronyms. Believe it or not, Daniel Druff is a barber, C. Sharpe Minor a church organist, and James Bugg an exterminator.

Some aptronymic personages are famous:
Champion tennis player Margaret Court;
Football star Jim Kiick;
Baseball stars Early Wynn, Herb Score, Johnny Bench, and Cecil and Prince Fielder;
Golf stars Gary Player and Tiger Woods (woods are golf clubs);
Long-distance swimmer Diana Nyad (a naiad is a water nymph);
Astronaut Sally Ride;
Presidential spokesperson Larry Speakes;
Romantic poet William Wordsworth;
World Series of Poker champions Jamie Gold and Chris Moneymaker;
American judge Learned Hand;
Manufacturer of toilets Thomas Crapper;
and (joke alert!) Spouse snipper Lorena Bobbitt (Get it? "Bob it").

While we're on the topic of spot-on appropriate surnames, it wasn't that long ago that Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope were alive. But now we have no Jobs, no Cash, and no Hope.

Here's a cute game that employs aptronymic first names: These days, we often attend conferences, parties, and other gatherings where we are asked to wear name tags that say, "Hello, I'm _____." The object of our game is to match a real first name with a real profession to spark a punny connection, as in "My name is Homer, and I'm a ballplayer," "My name is Jimmy, and I'm a safecracker," and "My name is Mary, and I'm a justice of the peace."

Even more spectacular are serial puns on names and professions. Hello, our names are:
Alexis, Carmen, Chevy, Jack, Mercedes, Otto, Phillip, & Rusty, & we work on cars.
Annette, Bob, Brooke, Eddie, Gil, Rod, and Tad, and we're fishermen.
Beech, Sandy, Shelly, and Wade, and we're lifeguards.
Bill, Buck, and Penny, and we work at the mint.
Bud, Daisy, Holly, Iris, Lily, Pansy, Petunia, Rose, & Violet, and we sell flowers.
Case, Courtney, Sue, and Will, and we're lawyers.
Charity, Chastity, Faith, Grace, Hope, Mercy, & Neal, and we're ministers.
"Bolt" from "Amazing Words" by Richard Lederer ((c) 2012)

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Message: 4
Date: Mon, 18 Aug 2014 07:32:11 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: It's Almost "School's Open" Time Again!!

For teachers, the month of August is just one long Sunday night.

Teaching: The only profession where you have to do more work to call in sick than if you just suffered through it.

Students: If you ever want to know what a Teacher's mind feels like, imagine a web browser with 2,879 tabs open. All. The. Time.

Teacher: "All right! Nobody leaves this classroom until we find the top to this glue stick!"

Those who can, teach.
Those who cannot, pass laws about teaching.

Raise your hand if you've ever seriously considered retiring from teaching because you can't keep the annual acronym changes straight.

Doctor 1: She's a teacher.
Doctor 2: How can you tell?
Doctor 1: Look at the size of that bladder!

How the seven days of the week feel:
Monday, Monday, Monday, Monday, Friday, Saturday, Pre-Monday

You know you're a teacher when the thought of laminating something makes you feel all warm and tingly inside.

Back To School Sales

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Message: 5
Date: Mon, 18 Aug 2014 15:58:41 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Q&A du jour <adult>

Q: What's 72?
A: 69 with three people watching.

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert