The Humor List
 

Digest for Saturday, August 16, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE <adultish> (Mickey)
2. The Texan (George Matyjewicz)
3. PRAYER (Paul Benoit)
4. Bad accident (Lee Bradley)
5. Pauly and Maury (Maurizio Mariotti)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Sat, 16 Aug 2014 07:45:24 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE <adultish>

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

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Message: 2
Date: Sat, 16 Aug 2014 21:55:31 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: The Texan

A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney's larger constructions.

First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What's that!" In reply the Australian said, "That's the Gladesville Bridge."

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?"

The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men."

The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men."

Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What's that" said the Texan. "That's the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?"

The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men."

The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 100 men."

By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan's attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.

Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What's that?"

The Australian Engineer replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."

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Message: 3
Date: Sun, 17 Aug 2014 07:51:16 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: PRAYER

An elderly gentleman passed his granddaughter's room and overheard her repeating the alphabet in an oddly reverent way.

"What on earth are you up to?" he asked.

"I'm saying my prayers," explained the little girl, "but I can't think of exactly the right words tonight, so I'm just saying all the letters. God will put them together for me, because He knows what I'm thinking."

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Message: 4
Date: Sun, 17 Aug 2014 08:51:28 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Bad accident

Pauly had a bad wreck and was in a coma for over a month. We're all very happy he pulled through. When he was coming out of the coma, the first thing he asked was "Am I in heaven?"

MrsPauly was sitting right beside the bed and answered, "No! I'm still here!"

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Message: 5
Date: Sun, 17 Aug 2014 15:15:38 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Pauly and Maury <adult>

Maury is new to America and one day he goes with his coworker Pauly to a very busy restaurant.

While they are waiting in line to be shown to an empty table, Maury starts masturbating.

Pauly says, "Stop that! What the hell do you think you're doing?!?"

Maury replies, "Didn't you see the sign? It says 'First Come, First Served.'"

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