The Humor List
 

Digest for Thursday, August 14, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Sweetheart (George Matyjewicz)
2. Religion is Following the Times (Lanny Julian)
3. Dear Diary <adultish> (Maurizio Mariotti)
4. Birthday Etiquette (Paul Benoit)
5. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)
6. The value of a Catholic education and a pencil <language> (Grady Lacy)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Thu, 14 Aug 2014 12:20:33 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Sweetheart

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc...

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That's really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."

Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"

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Message: 2
Date: Thu, 14 Aug 2014 21:54:26 -0400
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: Religion is Following the Times

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, ''You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.''

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ''And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.''

''Thank you, Father,'' answered the young priest. ''I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.''

''All of these ideas have been well and good,'' said the elderly priest, ''But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.''

''But, Father,'' protested the young priest, ''my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!''

''Yes,'' replied the elderly priest, ''and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!"

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Message: 3
Date: Fri, 15 Aug 2014 12:00:12 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary <adultish>

[Excerpted from The Old Perfesser's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
I don't think I should have taken Viagra and a laxative at the same time. Now I don't know if I'm coming or going.

T.O.P.

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 15 Aug 2014 07:40:26 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Birthday Etiquette

If you're given a birthday card with no money in it and no present attached to it, good manners dictate that the minimum length of time you should act like you're actually reading it is eleven seconds.

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 15 Aug 2014 04:44:33 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

RIDDLES
Where's a good place to keep a noisy dog?
In a barking lot.

What do you get if you cross a horse with Sir Lancelot?
A knight-mare (Lederer & Ertner)

What is the difference between a squeeze and a louse?
One is a bear hug, the other a hair bug.

What happened when the red ship and the blue ship collided?
The survivors were marooned.

What government department finds lost cats?
The Bureau of Missing Purrsians. (Jim Ertner)
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
* When a grape is stepped on, it will let out a little wine.
* Our cows were always telling each other jokes, They were the laughing stock of our community.
* A bite on the neck may be quite sacramental, but demons are a ghoul's best friend.
* Math teachers and architects usually want to be buried in a symmetry.
* The fungi couldn't have friends over because there wasn't mushroom.
++++++++++++++++

PUN SERIES - OGDEN NASH POEMS
The trouble with a kitten is that
Eventually it becomes a cat.

Candy is dandy
But liquor is quicker.

I think that I shall never see
A billboard as lovely as a tree.
Perhaps unless the billboards fall,
I'll never see a tree at all.

God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.

The cow is of the bovine ilk
One end is moo, the other, milk.

Beneath this slab
John Brown is stowed.
He watched the ads
And not the road.
++++++++++++++++

GROANERS & LONG JOKES
Please allow me the chance to unveil,
The real truth behind Dorothy Gale.
There's no place like home,
For a young girl who roams,
And hangs out with three characters, male!
(Chris Gross)

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Message: 6
Date: Fri, 15 Aug 2014 09:24:59 -0400
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: The value of a Catholic education and a pencil <language>

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Susie, who created the universe?"

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Susie.

The Nun said, "Very good," and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Susie didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Susie fell back asleeep. The Nun asked her a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted!

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