The Humor List
 

Digest for Sunday, August 10, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. The Night Watchman (George Matyjewicz)
2. Thanks (Lee Bradley)
3. There's always good news! (Topolski, Leonard P.)
4. THE BOOGIEMAN'S FAVORITES (Stan Kegel)
5. Summers Not Over Yet (Paul Benoit)
6. Dear Diary <adultish> (Maurizio Mariotti)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Sun, 10 Aug 2014 13:46:00 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: The Night Watchman

Renee was passing an office building late one night and saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at her, "what do you want?"

"I just wanted to know why you can't ring the bell yourself?"

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Message: 2
Date: Sun, 10 Aug 2014 21:17:51 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Thanks

The Old Perfesser, as he and his wife were approaching their 50th wedding anniversary, said to her, "Honey, I can't thank you enough for all you've done for me over the years."

She responded, "Still, you should keep trying."

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Message: 3
Date: Sun, 10 Aug 2014 21:24:17 -0500
From: Topolski, Leonard P.
Subject: There's always good news!

"I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told his client.

"First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is only 180."

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Message: 4
Date: Sun, 10 Aug 2014 22:45:15 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: THE BOOGIEMAN'S FAVORITES

* Favorite foods: hamboogers, fettuccini Afraid-o, scream of wheat, scarrots, creep suzettes, and terror-misu.
* Favorite candy bar: Baby Ruthless.
* Favorite drink: demonade.
* Favorite children's book: The Pukey Little Puppy.
* Favorite poem: "The Fright Before Christmas."
* Favorite section of the newspaper: the horrorscope.
* Favorite actor: Robert Dreadford.
* Favorite amusement park rides: the scare-o-sel and the scary-go-round.
* Favorite musical: My Fear Lady.
* Favorite game show host: Drew Scary.
* Favorite vice president: Al Gore.
* Favorite appliance: the scare conditioner.
* Favorite university: Villainova.
* Favorite day of the week: Frightday.
* Favorite letter in the alphabet: S. It turns care into scare, car into scar, cream into scream, hock into shock, lime into slime, lay into slay, and laughter into slaughter.

Excerpted from Richard Lederer's Monsters Unchained! (Marion Street Press 2014)

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Message: 5
Date: Mon, 11 Aug 2014 07:56:21 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Summer's Not Over Yet

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU SHOULD PROBABLY INVEST IN AN AIR CONDITIONER
- Tim Hunter, wackyweek.com

1. Last night while sleeping, you found out you have a pop-up timer
2. You need a pot holder to open the bathroom door
3. You can actually bake a cake while holding the batter in your living room
4. Your cactus just burst into flame
5. The can of corn in the cupboard just popped

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Message: 6
Date: Mon, 11 Aug 2014 14:44:44 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Dear Diary <adultish>

[Excerpted from Pauly's secret diary]

Dear Diary,
This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand.

Now I'm afraid to pee.

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