The Humor List

Digest for Thursday, August 07, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Muslim Brotherhood warning <political> (George Matyjewicz)
2. The Bronze Rat (Anna Welander)
3. A European Union Directive (Mickey)
4. Even the ancient Romans! (Anna Welander)
5. The promise (Anna Welander)
6. Mick and Paddy <stereotypical> (Maurizio Mariotti)
8. Remember The Soviet Union? (Paul Benoit)

Message: 1
Date: Thu, 7 Aug 2014 12:36:11 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Muslim Brotherhood warning <political>

This morning, the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the United States continued meddling in Syria, Egypt, Libya, and other potential hot spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and AOL customer service reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to not send us any more presidents.

It's gonna get ugly, people.

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Message: 2
Date: Thu, 7 Aug 2014 22:12:53 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: The Bronze Rat

A tourist wandered into a dimly-lit old San Francisco antiques shop, down in china town. Perusing the shelves, he discovered an amazingly life-sized and life-like bronze sculpture of a rat. He had to have it and asked the shopkeeper how much it cost.

"$12 for the rat," said the shopkeeper, "and $500 more for the fascinating story behind it."

"Old man, you can keep the story," the tourist replied, "but I`ll take the rat."

As he left the store with the bronze rat, two live rats emerged from the sewer and started following him. The tourist looked over his shoulder and began walking faster, but more and more rats started following him. As people pointed and shouted the tourist was in a panic.

Walking faster and faster he soon began to run as the rats started appearing from old abandoned cars, basements and sewers. He ran as fast as he could to the waterfront as millions of squealing rats kept up with him. With his last bastion of strength he scrambled up a lampost and with all his might hurled the bronze rat far out into the bay, whereupon the squealing rats surged over the breakwater into the sea and drowned.

Gathering himself together, he trundled back to the shop, "Ah, so you`ve come back for the rest of the story," said the shop owner with a wise grin.

"No," replied the tourist, "But I was wondering whether you carried bronze lawyers?"

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 7 Aug 2014 20:16:44 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: A European Union Directive

The British Penny European Union Directive No. 456179

In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase, "Spending a Penny" is not to be used after 31 December 2014.

From this date onwards, the correct term will be: "Euronating."

It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone.

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 8 Aug 2014 10:17:36 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Even the ancient Romans!

Good News / Bad News
The slave driver of the Roman ship stared down at his slaves and yelled, "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that you'll be getting double rations tonight."

The mumbling of the happy slaves was interrupted by the bellowing of the slave driver. "The bad news is that the commander's son wants to water ski."

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 8 Aug 2014 12:14:32 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: The promise

A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.

A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for you."

"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine." With that the physician left.

The doctor didn't hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire.

"Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools, and I didn't think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now!"

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Message: 6
Date: Fri, 08 Aug 2014 12:34:53 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Mick and Paddy <stereotypical>

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says, "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says, "What's his name?"

Mick replies, "Miles, from London!"

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Message: 7
Date: Fri, 8 Aug 2014 04:06:27 -0700
From: Stan Kegel

Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
To keep his wigwam

What did the hen say to the rooster?
Nothing. She just egged him on. (Jim Ertner)

What's worse than find a worm in an apple?
Finding half a worm.

Why did the lady drive her SUV into the art museum?
Because she wanted to see the Van Gogh

What is the difference between a diet for someone very thin and one for someone very fat?
The thin: "Don't eat fast!" The fat: "Don't eat! Fast!" (Stan Kegel)

* My mother told me not to yell through the screen door. She did not want me to strain my voice.
* To learn a new jump can take a figure skater hours on end.
* A goose grows down as it grows up.
* "When you were in the army, did they give you a commission?" "Nah, just a straight salary like everybody else."
* Violinists are often fiddling around.

* Blessed are those who cook, for they shall be at home on the range
* Blessed are those who have their heads in the clouds, for they shall be able to predict the weather.
* Blessed are those who ride bicycles, for they shall have balance.
* Blessed is the chicken that crossed the road, for she shall be poultry in motion.
* Blessed are the brief, for they shall have lower phone bills.
* Blessed are the dictators, for they shall keep stenographers employed

We all know from the nursery rhyme 'drill',
That two kids tumbled down the big hill;
Are you taken aback,
That you didn't know Jack,
Had never really fallen for Jill!
(Chris Gross)

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Message: 8
Date: Fri, 8 Aug 2014 07:44:12 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Remember The Soviet Union?

There was a man who used to see his neighbor in the subway station every day. His neighbor would buy a copy of Pravda, scan the first page, and then throw it away.

After observing this routine for many weeks, he decided to ask his neighbor why he wasted his 20 kopeks every day only to read the front page. "Comrade, why do you waste your money on the newspaper every day only to read the first page?"

"Comrade neighbor, I am looking for the obituaries."

"But Comrade, the obituaries are always on page five!"

"Trust me, Comrade, the obituary *I'm* looking for will be on the front page."

Russian Doctor: "This medicine is for insomnia, this one is for nervous disorder, and also take this one for depression."

Russian Patient: "Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides vodka?"

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert