The Humor List
 

Digest for Tuesday, August 05, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. The Diner (George Matyjewicz)
2. Little Red Riding Hood <adult> (Maurizio Mariotti)
3. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)
4. Doritos Flavored Mouthwash (Paul Benoit)
5. More about Marge (Lee Bradley)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Tue, 5 Aug 2014 15:05:09 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: The Diner

A scruffy old man was eating at a truck stop, when three bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up, spit into the old man's milk, and then took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up, turned over the old man's plate, and then took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 06 Aug 2014 12:45:14 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti'
Subject: Little Red Riding Hood <adult>

Little Red Riding Hood went to her grandma's house and found her laying in bed.

Little Red Riding Hood said, ''Grandma, what big eyes you have!''

Grandma: ''The better to see you with, my dear.''

Little Red Riding Hood: ''Grandma, what big ears you have!''

Grandma: "The better to hear you with, my dear.''

Little Red Riding Hood: ''Grandma, what a big mouth you have!''

Grandma: ''Of course I do, have you seen Grandpa's penis?''

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 6 Aug 2014 04:04:57 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

RIDDLES
Why was the broom late for school?
Because it overswept

Why do people usually go the movies at night?
Because they want to see the stars.

What did the fish say when he posted bail?
"I'm off the hook."

What do you get when you mix beans and onions?
Tear gas.

Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone. There were many sudden deaths in bed. Why?
Pillow fights.
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
* He met the woman of his dreams on a balloon ride. Love was in the air.
* People might think I'm a bit of a square, but that just means I'm exactly right on every angle
* Musicians in a stormy sea experienced "rock and roll"
* When two trucks carrying soft drinks collided, there was a pepsi-dent.
* Customer: "Waiter, Will my pizza be long?" Waiter: "No sir, it will be round."
++++++++++++++++

PUN SERIES - DIFFERENCES
What's the difference between a bombastic punster and a car-chasing canine on a hot day?
One puns and rants, and the other runs and pants.

What's the difference between a good dog and a poor student?
One rarely bites, and the other barely writes.

What's the difference between a flea-infested dog and a bored houseguest?
One is going to itch, and the other is itching to go.

What's the difference between a Rodin statue and a starving dog?
One's a Thinker, and the other's a thin cur.

What's the difference between a hairy dog and a painter?
One sheds his coat, and the other coats his shed.

What's the difference between a pet canary and one from Louisiana?
'One's a canary encaged, and the other's a Cajun canary.
(All from James Ertner)
++++++++++++++++

GROANERS & LONG JOKES
Ocean waves have a natural grace.
They are soothing, a thing I embrace.
It is easy to sea
Why they're calming to me.
I like oceans, a really swell place.
(Kirk Miller)

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Message: 4
Date: Wed, 6 Aug 2014 07:15:43 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Doritos Flavored Mouthwash

Scope Announces It Will Offer Doritos Flavored Mouthwash
http://www.mouthfrog.com/2014/scope-announces-it-will-offer-doritos-flavored-mouthwash/

The days of rinsing your mouth out with a burning and poor tasting wash are over. That's what the executives at Scope would like for you to believe. After 5 long years of research, development, and testing with the widely popular chip maker, the time has arrived. Doritos flavored mouthwash will debut sometime in the 4th quarter of 2014.

"We're expecting this to basically put all other mouthwashes out of business," says a confident Scope spokesperson. "Customers have been asking for a mouthwash that fights cavities but also tastes fantastic. We believe that we have achieved that formula and now all we have to do is produce enough bottles to be ready for release. This thing is going to be nuts. It's going to make Apple product releases look like some local circus act. Our biggest challenge was to lower the alcohol content just enough to fight cavities but still taste great. Many of our test subjects tried to ingest the entire bottle at one time. That's not healthy and we don't condone such behavior. We're going to start things with just the original Doritos flavor but ranch and spicy buffalo flavors will not be far behind."

"The biggest hurdle we anticipate is getting customers over the long held ideas they have about both products," adds a Doritos spokesperson. "There's going to have to be a major paradigm shift that takes place. We don't want people thinking about tooth decay when they think about Doritos. We want them to realize that Doritos flavors will keep their enamel strong and their gums healthy. Some will pick it up right away but it will take others some time to break their long held beliefs. We realize that. We couldn't be more pleased to be part of this cavity fighting revolution. Yes, we will make billions of dollars from this but the real victory will be every time we see someone with a healthy smile and happy taste buds."

One reason for the delay in release is to bulk up on inventory. The other reason is to get 3 out of every 4 dentists to recommend this new product. The makers are currently sitting at 1 out of every 4 dentists but strong arm tactics and bribes are expected to take care of that problem and make for a seamless release later this year.

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Message: 5
Date: Wed, 06 Aug 2014 10:20:39 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: More about Marge <adult>

It seems I impregnated Marge,
So I do feel ... by and large,
Some cash should be tendered
For services rendered,
But I can't yet decide what to charge.
-Anon.

Dear Anon, the solution's a cinch.
You should charge dear Ms. Marge by the inch,
with additional measure
for gratuitous pleasure
you provided the ungrateful wench.
-Bro. Jon

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