The Humor List

Digest for Friday, August 01, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Football Funnies (George Matyjewicz)
2. I have a job for you (adult & language) (Mickey)
3. Life with a teacher (Anna Welander)
4. Walter and Obama (political) (Mickey)
6. The Carrot <adult> (Maurizio Mariotti)
7. Drinking Again?? (Paul Benoit)

Message: 1
Date: Fri, 1 Aug 2014 12:55:17 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Football Funnies

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for25 cents," she said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.

"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."

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Message: 2
Date: Fri, 1 Aug 2014 07:20:51 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: I have a job for you (adult & language)

A young man with his pants hanging half off his butt, two gold front teeth and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi, you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the System, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... you started it."

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Message: 3
Date: Fri, 1 Aug 2014 19:59:18 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Life with a teacher

My wife is a teacher; it's really weird to live with a teacher. I'd be on the phone, doodling on a piece of paper, leave the house, come back in two hours and that same piece of paper is now on the refrigerator with the words "Good work!" and a big smiley face on it.

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 1 Aug 2014 11:00:56 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Walter and Obama (political)

President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.

" Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have eight questions"

First, "Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?"

Second, "Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?"

Third, "Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you ? knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?"

Fourth, "Why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

"Fifth, "Why do you continue to cover up the Benghazi scandal?"

"Sixth, "Why did you spy on your own U.S. citizens?"

"Seventh, "Why did the IRS target Republicans?"

And lastly, "How could you justify the Bergdahl trade?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess.

Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have two questions.

First, "Why did the recess bell ring 40 minutes early?"

Second, "What the hell happened to Walter?"

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 1 Aug 2014 16:39:26 -0700
From: Stan Kegel

What kind of news do you find in the 'Energy Weekly Magazine'?"
Current events

Why are traffic cops the strongest men in the world?
Because each of them can hold up a ten-ton truck with one hand.

Why did Joe Camel carry a razor blade to the rave?
He wanted to nick a teen. (Cynthia MacGregor)

What did the track star love most about owning his own store?
Running it.

Where did the seaweed find a job?
In the "Kelp Wanted" section of the want-ads

* People like California despite its faults, (Barbara Noel)
* "If Mississippi gave Missouri a New Jersey, then what did Delaware?" "I don't know. Alaska."
* My elderly aunt loves telling jokes while she knits. She is a real knitwit. (Mike Bull)
* If you play around with a guillotine, you'll be headed for an accident.
* An experienced waiter can give a lot of good tips.

* Blessed are the candy-makers, for they shalt make a mint.
* Blessed are those who make perfect bread, for they shalt rise to the occasion to become a fine roll model.
* Blessed are those who meet their mate on the internet, for it shall be love at first site.
* Blessed are those who drink orange juice, for they shalt be able to concentrate.
* Blessed are the race car drivers, for they shalt always do good turns.
* Blessed are the watchmakers, for they shalt work over time.

The optimist says, "This glass is half full."
The pessimist says, "This glass is half empty."
The pragmatist says, "This glass is twice as large as it needs to be."

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Message: 6
Date: Sat, 02 Aug 2014 11:45:15 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: The Carrot <adult>

Two women are digging in the garden. One pulls out a foot-long carrot and says, "This one reminds me of my husband."

The second woman asks, "Your husband's penis is that long???"

"No -- that dirty."

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Message: 7
Date: Sat, 2 Aug 2014 07:46:38 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Drinking Again??

Part of me says I need to quit drinking like this.
The other parts of me say, "Don't listen to him, he's drunk.'

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert