The Humor List
 

Digest for Thursday, July 31, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. My Summer Vacation (George Matyjewicz)
2. A Little Chicago Humor <political> (Richard Nehrbass)
3. Moribund (Lee Bradley)
4. Ashes to Ashes <adult & macabre> (Maurizio Mariotti)
5. Defining men (Topolski, Leonard P.)
6. Psssst ... They Can See You! <adult> (Paul Benoit)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Thu, 31 Jul 2014 12:34:31 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: My Summer Vacation

Summer was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations.

She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the Summer. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota," he said.

"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said, "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"

Little Johnny thought about it and said, "Come to think of it, she lives in Ohio."

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Message: 2
Date: Thu, 31 Jul 2014 15:48:58 -0700
From: Richard Nehrbass
Subject: A Little Chicago Humor <political>

I was driving through northern Illinois last night listening to a call-in program on WGN in Chicago. People were calling in all upset about the goat's head sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field.

Some guy called in from Indiana and said, "Why are you all so upset cause someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley Field? Aren't you the guys that sent a horse's ass to the White House?"

I almost ran off the road!

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Message: 3
Date: Thu, 31 Jul 2014 20:39:02 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Moribund

Maury wasn't feeling too well, what with his advanced age and all, so he takes a trip to a nearby funeral parlour: "I'd like to see some models of your coffins, please."

"Certainly, sir. Come with me. This is our Jacob's Ladder model; it's only $2,000. And this one here is our Sweet Chariot model, priced
at $10,000."

"Well," said Maury, "I don't see much difference between them except the price."

"Oh, yeah?" said the funeral director, "you just lie down in that cheaper job and try to spread your elbows!"

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 01 Aug 2014 11:17:54 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Ashes to Ashes <adult & macabre>

A man dies, and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and starts talking to them.

"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."

Then she whispers, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes."

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Message: 5
Date: Fri, 1 Aug 2014 07:07:32 -0500
From: Topolski, Leonard P.
Subject: Defining men

There are three kinds of men: ones that learn by reading, ones that learn by observation and the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.

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Message: 6
Date: Fri, 1 Aug 2014 09:00:53 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Psssst ... They Can See You! <adult>

Researchers Using Drones to Watch You Masturbate
http://www.newsmutiny.com/pages/Drone-Masturbation-Study.html

If you hear a buzzing outside your window that sounds like a swarm of bees, don't worry. It's likely just a surveillance drone attempting to record you while you masturbate.

Part of a nationwide study of masturbation habits, hundreds of drones have taken flight in cities and towns across the country to collect demographic-based data on which, how and how often Americans are masturbating.

"You might be surprised how many ladies enjoy pleasuring themselves," remarked one drone pilot purportedly associated with the study, "When they're all alone, in their living rooms or bedrooms with their favorite soap on or a little soft porn... oh yeah. We can only imagine what goes on in the bathroom - it's harder to see."

According to the study's initial findings, 58% of women between the ages of 18-35 with healthy physiques and nice breasts masturbate. The study has not yet compiled any data on old ladies or fat chicks.

Data collected from the drones also shows that an extrapolated 108% of males between the ages of 12-16 whack off, and do it to some pretty fucked up shit.

It is not clear who is conducting the study or why.  " " '

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