The Humor List
 

Digest for Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Appointment Book (George Matyjewicz)
2. Dining At Cannibal's (political/language) (Mickey)
3. ATM Nightmares (Anna Welander)
4. PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS (Stan Kegel)
5. Fund Raiser (Paul Benoit)
6. Via George Wills Column <political> (Phil G)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Wed, 30 Jul 2014 13:28:11 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Appointment Book

A tomcat was heard running up and down the alley for hours.

A neighbor called his owner and asked what was happening.

The owner said, 'Well, I had him fixed today, and he's going around cancelling all his engagements.'

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Message: 2
Date: Wed, 30 Jul 2014 08:03:33 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: Dining At Cannibal's (political/language)

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.

Tourist: $ 5.00
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked LIBERAL, Grilled CONSERVATIVE or Sauteed NDP: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

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Message: 3
Date: Wed, 30 Jul 2014 22:16:11 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: ATM Nightmares

Things You Do Not Want to Happen at Your ATM
- You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper", and ejects your card.
- You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card.
- You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.
- You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.
- You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.
- You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well."

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Message: 4
Date: Thu, 31 Jul 2014 03:48:54 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: PROFUSION OF PUNS GAGGLES OF GROANERS

RIDDLES
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slowpoke

What made the dogcatcher wealthy?
He was paid by the pound.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who hangs on the wall?
Art

What would you have if you put three ducks into a container?
A box of quackers!

Why is the longest human nose on record only 11 inches long?
Because if it were 12 inches long it would be a foot.
++++++++++++++++

PUNS & SHORT JOKES
* We're expecting fallout from the recent layoffs at the nuclear plant. (Mike Bull)
* He was accused of being hobo-phobic when he wouldn't go near the bum.
* Some power saws are a cut above the rest.
* Did you hear about the horse that is missing a bit? I got it from the horse's mouth!
* Compare a prisoner in shackles to one unshackled. It's the difference of a pinion
++++++++++++++++

PUN SERIES - RULES OF WRITING
* In a letter themes reports articles and stuff like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.
* Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
* Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
* Its very important that you use apostrophe's right.
* Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
* It is important to never ever under any circumstances split an infinitive.
++++++++++++++++

GROANERS & LONG JOKES
At the fair, all his money was pried
From his wallet, a fact he can't hide.
Rode wild mouse, Ferris Wheel,
And tall 'coasters of steel.
He was broke. He got took for a ride.
(Kirk Miller)

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Message: 5
Date: Thu, 31 Jul 2014 08:59:39 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Fund Raiser

"I'm going to a fund-raising concert for Orgasmic Dysfunction Awareness tonight," said Rudy. "Are you interested?"

"I'm interested," said Mikey, "but I can't come."

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Message: 6
Date: Thu, 31 Jul 2014 09:41:06 -0400
From: Phil G
Subject: Via George Will's Column

When British Prime Minister Harold Macmillan was asked what caused him the most trouble, he supposedly replied, "Events, dear boy, events."

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