The Humor List

Digest for Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Sounds too good, doesn't it? (Anna Welander)
2. 14 Things You Shouldn't Say To Your Pastor (Anna Welander)
3. Trip to Mars (Richard Nehrbass)
4. Onion Headline <political> (Phil G)
5. 10 cent short <racist, sexist> (Lee Bradley)
7. Bring Your Daughter to Work Day <adultish> (Maurizio Mariotti)
8. Oh, Harry ... (Paul Benoit)

Message: 1
Date: Tue, 29 Jul 2014 19:43:05 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Sounds too good, doesn't it?

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible man alive.

No wait ... sorry. I am thinking of scotch. It's scotch that does all that.

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Message: 2
Date: Tue, 29 Jul 2014 19:50:10 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: 14 Things You Shouldn't Say To Your Pastor

The list is meant to be both humorous and serious. And I bet almost every pastor has heard all of these in the course of a ministry. Enjoy. But do not repeat (at least to your pastor).

1. I wish I had a job like yours, where I would work only one day a week.
2. What do you do with all the free time you have?
3. Can I have a couple of minutes before you preach?
4. I love you pastor, but ________________________ (fill in the blank).
5. I like your preaching, pastor, but I really like __________________ (fill in the blank with television or podcast preacher).
6. Can your wife play piano?
7. Your kids shouldn't behave that way. After all, they are pastor's kids.
8. Your low salary is good for you. It keeps you humble and dependent on the Lord.
9. I bet you don't spend any time preparing your sermons.
10. Pastor ________________ (predecessor pastor) didn't do it that way.
11. You don't have a real degree. You went to seminary.
12. How much longer do you think you'll be at our church?
13. Did I wake you up pastor? It's only 1:00 am.
14. Did you hear what they are saying about you?

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Message: 3
Date: Tue, 29 Jul 2014 15:34:04 -0700
From: Richard Nehrbass
Subject: Trip to Mars

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars."

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Message: 4
Date: Tue, 29 Jul 2014 18:39:42 -0400
From: Phil G
Subject: Onion Headline <political>

By way of James Taranto.
"Man Who Couldn't Defeat George W. Bush Attempting to Resolve Israel-Palestine Conflict."

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Message: 5
Date: Wed, 30 Jul 2014 05:28:30 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: 10 cent short <racist, sexist>

A young handsome Jewish guy goes into a whore house in New York City during the 40s and asks the a madame, "What do you have to select from?"

"Everything," says the madam, "The French girls are $10; local girls can show you a good time for $6; Puerto Ricans are at $4; it'll cost you $2 for Asian Indian women, and you can have the Negress for a dollar. "

"Well," he says, "I've got only 90 cents...."

"Ha!" she says, "then you've gt some nerve coming in here!"

"How's about the Negress for 90 cents?" he asks, "Come on now, how's about doing me a favor?"

"If it's a favor you want, and since you're a good-looking guy down on his luck, you can come back at closing time and I'll give it to you for free myself."

Twenty years go by; the boy has become a captain of industry, and for old times' sake, he visits the same brothel again. "Do you remember me?" he asks the madame who had been so kind to him. "I was the kid who had only 90 cents at the time."

"Siddown!" says the madame, "Have I got a surprise for you! Pauly, come in here and meet Mr. Cohen, your father!"

"What?!?" says the lad, "my father is a Jew, and you never told me?"

"Listen, my boy," says the now-rich industrialist, "it could be different; if I'd had one thin dime more 20 years ago, you'd be cafe' au lait."

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Message: 6
Date: Wed, 30 Jul 2014 04:16:14 -0700
From: Stan Kegel

What's a broom?
Witch craft.

When is a car full of water?
When it's in a carpool.

In what part of a ballpark do you find the whitest clothes?
In the bleachers.

Why did the window pane blush?
It saw the weather-strip.

What kind of award does the "Dentist of the Year" get?
A little plaque.

* Raising tropical fish is a small scale operation. (Barbara Noel)
* I recently completed one leg of a journey. My other leg is still back home. I forgot to bring it. (Cynthia MacGregor}
* A true friend thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked.
* Does the moon have an eating problem since it is only full once a month? (Donna Ayers)
* Headline: Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan.

* We spent most of our time sitting on the back watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.
* Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears
* Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
* The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
* The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.
* Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.

Every vegetable has the power
To converse with a rose. Just how're
They going to talk?
This isn't a shock.
Use a cell phone and cauliflower.
(Kirk Miller)

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Message: 7
Date: Wed, 30 Jul 2014 14:17:54 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Bring Your Daughter to Work Day <adultish>

A man and his little girl arrive home after Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. The little girl asks, "Daddy, why do you call your assistant a doll?"

His wife glares at him. He explains, "Well, honey, it's a term of affection. She's very hard-working, and Daddy appreciates her efficiency."

"Oh," replies the little girl. "I thought it was because she closes her eyes when you lay her across your desk."

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Message: 8
Date: Wed, 30 Jul 2014 08:17:58 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Oh, Harry ...

So it seems J.K. Rowling isn't quite done with Harry Potter. She has a few new projects in the works, including a movie franchise about some of the peripheral characters in her original series, and a short story about middle-aged Harry.

And now, we bring you:

Other Middle-Aged Harry Potter Books J.K. Rowling Has Planned

- Harry Potter And The Financial Sorcery Needed To Put Two Kids Through Hogwarts And Still Retire At 65

- Harry Potter And The Wingardium Leviosa Spell That's Lasted More Than 4 Hours

- Harry Potter And The Pensieve That Allows You To See Whether A Reverse Mortgage Is Right For You

- Harry Potter And The Regular Mirror That Doesn't Give Him Hope From His Dead Parents But Just Reflects His Sad Face

- Harry Potter And The Hopefully Benign Colon Polyp

- Harry Potter And The Clumsy Effort To Reconnect With Cho Chang On Facebook

- Harry Potter And The Unshakable Feeling That He Could Have Gone Pro At Quidditch If He Hadn't Gotten Married And Had Kids

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert