The Humor List

Digest for Monday, July 28, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Has This Ever Happened To You? <gross> (Paul Benoit)
2. Threats (George Matyjewicz)
4. The Dreaded Phone Call from the Boss (Lanny Julian)
5. Workplace Farting: Options Explored <gross/long> (Maurizio Mariotti)

Message: 1
Date: Tue, 29 Jul 2014 06:17:03 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: Has This Ever Happened To You?

[excerpted from The Old Perfesser's diary]

Dear Diary,
I hate when there's no toilet paper left and I have to ask the guy in the next stall to come wipe me.

- The Old Perfesser

Message: 2
Date: Tue, 29 Jul 2014 07:16:32 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Threats

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?

They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.

Message: 3
Date: Tue, 29 Jul 2014 05:04:55 -0700
From: Stan Kegel

What do you get if you shoot a bullet into a tree with no leaves?
A cartridge in a bare tree.

Why did the banana peal?
It didn't have any suntan lotion on!

What is the difference between a unicorn and lettuce?
One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.

What kind of dog did the vampire have?
A bloodhound

What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark?
"Now I herd everything."

* Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."
* If you think I'm a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt.
* Show me the first president's dentures, and I'll show you the George Washington Bridge.
* My wife just performed an act of plastic surgery. She cut up all her credit cards.
* Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

1. A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
2. Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
3. Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
4. Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
5. Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.609 kilometers.
6. Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

When I went to the Scarborough Fair,
I saw horses that just couldn't bear
That their manes had been cut.
They looked bad and somewhat
Like Sir Lancelot's horse, a knight mare.
(Kirk Miller)

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Message: 4
Date: Tue, 29 Jul 2014 08:43:36 -0400
From: Lanny Julian
Subject: The Dreaded Phone Call from the Boss

My boss phoned me today. He said, "Is everything OK at the office?"

I said, "It's all under control. It's been a very busy day. I haven't stopped to take a break all day."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"

"Pick up the pace a little - I'm in the foursome behind you."

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Message: 5
Date: Tue, 29 Jul 2014 15:19:59 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Workplace Farting: Options Explored <gross/long>

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts.

Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions.

Holders - The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk.

Desk Jockey - When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider: - Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females.

- Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event.

Meetings: - Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like.

Aisle Walker: - Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice.

Broom Closet: - One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky.

And remember, if you're workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert