The Humor List

Digest for Sunday, July 27, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Gambling (Lee Bradley)
2. What do you drink? (Grady Lacy)
3. A great story (Richard Nehrbass)
4. Pauly and Maury (Maurizio Mariotti)
5. Walking To Kindergarten (Stan Kegel)
6. This Is A Vacation?? (Paul Benoit)
7. Budget Cuts (Emko Witteveen)

Message: 1
Date: Sun, 27 Jul 2014 12:39:00 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Gambling

This guy is in Las Vegas and loses everything he has. He goes out the casino, turns down a dark alley, pulls out a gun, puts it to his temple, and suddenly a Fortune Teller pops up beside him and whispers, "A hundred bucks, and I'll predict your future for you."

Two guys were at the bar in Las Vegas. "Believe me, if you stick with just one number and play it every time, it'll come up eventually. For example, yesterday, I played 13 for three hours..."

"And it finally came up?" asked his eager friend.

"Yep, just thirty seconds after I had given up for the day."

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Message: 2
Date: Sun, 27 Jul 2014 19:45:24 -0400
From: Grady Lacy
Subject: What do you drink?

Interview with 101 year old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky

"For better digestion I drink beer, in the case of appetite loss I drink white wine, in the case of low blood pressure I drink red wine, in the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch, and when I have a cold I drink schnapps."

"When do you drink water?"

"I've never been that sick!"

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Message: 3
Date: Sun, 27 Jul 2014 17:52:56 -0700
From: Richard Nehrbass
Subject: A great story

I have a friend who is president of his homeowners association in the Dallas, Texas suburbs. They were having a terrible problem with litter near some of his association's homes. The reason, according to my friend, is that six very large, luxurious new houses are being built right next to their community.

The trash was coming from the Mexican laborers working at the construction sites and included bags from McDonald's, Burger King and 7-11, plus coffee cups, napkins, cigarette butts, coke cans, empty bottles, etc.

He went to see the site supervisor and even the general contractor, politely urging them to get their workers not to litter the neighborhood, to no avail. He called the city, the county, and police and got no help there either.

So here's what his community did. They organized about twenty folks, named themselves the "Inner Neighborhood Services" group, and arranged to go out at lunch time and "police" the trash themselves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is so hilarious.

They bought navy blue baseball caps and had the initials "INS" embroidered in gold on the caps.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand what they hoped people might mistakenly think the letters really stand for.

After the Inner Neighborhood Services group's first lunch time pickup detail, with all of them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras, 46 out of the total of 68 construction workers did not show up for work the next morning ... and haven't come back yet.

It has been ten days now.

The General Contractor, I'm told, is madder than hell, but can't say anything publicly because he could be busted for hiring illegal aliens. My friend and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating federal personnel, because they have the official name of the group recorded in their homeowner association minutes along with a notation about the vote to approve formation of the new subcommittee ... and besides, they informed the INS in advance of their plans, and according to my friend, the INS said basically, "Have at it!"

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Message: 4
Date: Mon, 28 Jul 2014 11:38:28 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti
Subject: Pauly and Maury

It's Monday morning and Maury asks his coworker Pauly, "How was your weekend?"

"I played a little golf on Saturday," replies Pauly. "How about you?"

"I hit a couple of balls myself," says Maury.

"Tell me more about it," says Pauly.

Maury: "I stepped on a rake."

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Message: 5
Date: Mon, 28 Jul 2014 04:04:46 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: Walking To Kindergarten

A mom was concerned about her Kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but yet know that he was safe.

So, she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.

Her friend said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.

Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her"?

Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."

The friend said, "Well, who is she"?

"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied. "And her daughter Marcy."

"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us"?

"Well," Timmy explained. "Every night, my mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, because she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"

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Message: 6
Date: Mon, 28 Jul 2014 07:20:03 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: This Is A Vacation??

- Tim Hunter,

1. They stole your towels
2. The room didn't have any extras, like a bed
3. The mini-bar is a beer in a bag of ice
4. You thought you saw the bedspread move
5. Well, for starters, the name of the place is the One Star Hotel

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Message: 7
Date: Mon, 28 Jul 2014 09:51:56 -0600
From: Emko Witteveen
Subject: Budget Cuts

A janitor at a zoo gets called into the managers office. The manager tells him they have to let him go due to budget issues. The janitor is set back and cries, "Please, please let me keep my job! My mother is in the hospital and I have to pay her medical bills!"

The manager scratches his chin for a few moments then replies, "You know ... there is something you can do. Our prized gorilla is sick and we need to ship him away for a few weeks so he can recover, but he is one of our most popular exhibits and we will lose tremendous revenue if he is gone. Come in tomorrow and I will have a gorilla suit for you to dress up in so you can pretend to be the gorilla. If we don't lose attendance during this time perhaps we can give you your old job back after."

The janitor is unsure, but with no other options, decides to accept the offer. He comes in early the next day, puts on his gorilla suit, and is instructed by the manager to stay in the corner of the animal pen all day and hold still so as not to give himself away. He does as he is told and to his surprise, no one notices that he is a fake.

After a few days of this, the janitor becomes bored of sitting around and holding still all day. That night he watches some videos of gorillas and starts practicing how they walk. The next day, he works up the courage to try it out, and starts walking around on his fists. The crowd gets excited which encourages the janitor to study some more the next night, and he practices beating his chest and grunting.

The next day he tries out his new moves and the crowd gets very excited at the sudden life that has come in to the gorilla. More and more people start to gather to watch as the gorilla starts beating his chest, grunting and running around. The janitor gets so encouraged by the crowd that he decides to climb up a tree and swing around on a vine. Lost in the excitement, he loses control and flies over into the next animal pen. A lion walks up into his face and lets out a loud, "ROAARRRR!!"

The janitor loses character and starts freaking out yelling, "Help! Help! Someone get me out here!"

Then the lion says to him, "Shut up you fool, you'll get us all fired!"

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

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Douglas Harter
Sandy Sibert