The Humor List

Digest for Saturday, July 26, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Beethoven's Ninth Symphony (Stan Kegel)
2. Ten Dollars (George Matyjewicz)
3. No, That's Not Right (Paul Benoit)

Message: 1
Date: Sat, 26 Jul 2014 14:49:41 -0700
From: Stan Kegel
Subject: Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

Several years ago, the Los Angeles Philharmonic Orchestra had scheduled Beethoven's Ninth Symphony under the baton of Zubha Mehta at the Dorothy Chandler Pavillon. At the last moment Mehta became ill and it was necessary to find a substitute. They were able to convince Professor Theodore (Thee) Bader, an authority on Beethoven from the Music Department at U. C. L. A. to step in.

The Fourth Movement of Beethoven's Choral Symphony, as it is better known, is unusual in several ways. First, it uses not only a chorus but several soloists as instruments during the famous "Ode to Joy" movement. Second, the bass players hate playing Beethoven's 9th. There's a long segment in this movement where the bass viols don't have a thing to do ... not a single note for page after page!

It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the fourth movement that they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they have a few brews.

They had quickly downed the first couple beers when one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back to our seats? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."

Another (presumably the one who suggested drinking in the first place) replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the pages of the conductor's score. Bader has had to slow the tempo way down, while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

So they had another round, and when they finally returned to their chairs a little tipsy one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble.

And if you thought things couldn't get worse, both first stand players soon passed out right in their chairs!

Bader was furious and on the verge of completely losing it, as he began making gestures at the musicians while trying to finish the piece while flipping the pages.

After all, it was the last of the Ninth. Thee Bader was a pinch-hitter. The score was tied. The basses were loaded, and two men were out. (Stan Kegel)

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Message: 2
Date: Sat, 26 Jul 2014 22:09:01 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Ten Dollars

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "You know, Martha, I'd like to get a ride in airplane."

And every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars and ten dollars is ten dollars."

So one year Stumpy says, "By Jeebers, Martha, I'm 71 years old, and if I don't go this time I may never go."

Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride is ten dollars ... and ten dollars is ten dollars."

So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE WORD and it's ten dollars."

They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word ... so he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."

And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out ... but ten dollars is ten dollars."

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Message: 3
Date: Sun, 27 Jul 2014 08:16:47 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: No, That's Not Right

My friend opened a ministry, using a snippet from the Bible as the name, but he soon regretted his decision to order office supplies over the phone.

When his stationery arrived, it bore the letterhead, "That Nun Should Perish."

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