The Humor List
 

Digest for Friday, July 25, 2014

Topics of the day:
1. Extra! Extra! (George Matyjewicz)
2. My Favourites (Mickey)
3. Everything On It (Anna Welander)
4. Wrong answer (Topolski, Leonard P.)
5. Cooking with MrsPerfesser (Lee Bradley)
6. I Told You, I Was *NOT* Drunk!! <language> (Paul Benoit)

________________________________________
Message: 1
Date: Fri, 25 Jul 2014 12:44:56 -0400
From: George Matyjewicz
Subject: Extra! Extra!

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey kid, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?"

The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!"

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Message: 2
Date: Fri, 25 Jul 2014 07:02:13 -1000
From: Mickey
Subject: My Favourites

Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken". She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now.

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Message: 3
Date: Fri, 25 Jul 2014 19:55:32 +0200
From: Anna Welander
Subject: Everything On It

I asked for a hot dog
With everything on it
And that was my big mistake.
'Cause it came with a parrot,
A bee in a bonnet,
A wristwatch and a rake.

It came with a goldfish,
A flag, and a fiddle
A frog, and a front porch swing,
And a mouse in a mask--
That's the last time I ask
For a hot dog with everything.
By Shel Silverstein

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Message: 4
Date: Fri, 25 Jul 2014 21:53:49 -0500
From: Topolski, Leonard P.
Subject: Wrong answer

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will.'"

"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"

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Message: 5
Date: Sat, 26 Jul 2014 07:10:38 -0400
From: Lee Bradley
Subject: Cooking with MrsPerfesser

MrsPerfesser put the roast chicken on the table and stood back, smiling, to receive The Old Perfesser's compliments.

"MY!!" exclaimed T.O.P., "this chicken smells great. What did you stuff it with?"

"Oh, nothing," said MrsPerfesser, "It was already full."

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Message: 6
Date: Sat, 26 Jul 2014 07:38:54 -0400
From: Paul Benoit
Subject: I Told You, I Was *NOT* Drunk!! <language>

Dude, I wasn't drunk last night....
Then why were you in my closet yelling, "Where the fuck is Narnia?"

Dude, I wasn't drunk last night....
So why was your car in the lake with you on top of it screaming, "Ahoy, mateys, we've reached land!"?

Dude, I wasn't drunk last night....
So why did you run after the thief who stole your TV, screaming, "YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!"?

Dude, I wasn't drunk last night....
Then why did you call a taxi to take you home, when the party was at your house?

Dude, I wasn't drunk last night....
Then why were you giving sexual advice to my garden gnome?

Dude, I wasn't drunk last night....
Then why did you congratulate a potato for getting a part in Toy Story?

Dude, I wasn't drunk last night....
Really? Then why were you "steering" with a paper plate while I was driving you home?

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